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Hello! I wouldn't be too open at least for now because I'm new but I struggle to forget/ heal past traumas and bad incidents.
Trigger: abuse, depression, friendships, heartbreak, self hate, suicide attempt.
I have never been the type of person to; seek therapy, be quiet, shy, a self hater or insecure but there are certain things from my past that quietly mess with me to this day.
Growing up, I did not have the best company of friends or cousins. I am not blaming anyone entirely but I grew up in a not so great environment. I was involved in wrong sexual acts with my cousin who is also a girl and soon enough our families found out because we live in a joint family (I am from the middle east). Then things got implemented on my name because my cousin was once in the bathroom and I was outside. I saw a laser light and flashed it on the bathroom floor, there was a gap between the bottom of the door and the floor but I did not look and I had completely gotten over all the dirty things. However, my cousin got all mad started yelling and told everyone that she was peaking. I was so angry and even cried alone because that just portrayed me as the bad person. Them everyone started giving me weird looks and still do, to this day. Me and that cousin are still really good friends but we never talk about anything related to those times or years.
Fast forward to 4 years ago, I fell down from the stairs and the entire family rushed to pick me up and my two cousins (the previous girl and her sister) were quietly laughing in the room, that is what my grandmother told me. I got really embarrassed and whenever I think of the entire thing, I just hide my face in the pillow. It is really weird and bothers me.
I have had childhood incidents where I did not know how to tell my dreams apart (some of them I thought were reality) so I would tell my dad in the sense that it was real life but it would turn out that the situation got way worse. Once I told my dad, Oh this certain things happened that my cousins were doing something bad amd he asked them and they went bonkers saying that I always lie. I did lie when I was younger on ALOT of things because they all did too and everyone would believe them over me/ against me. No joke, I am so guilty of it all. These incidents and certain ones like this ruined my parent's love and expression towards me, it reflected hate and bizarreness.
When my youngest sister was born, they adored her and because she did not grow up doing anything wrong, they loved her but I hated the fact that they create a difference between me and her in terms of treatment. So, I hated my sister. I would do anything to put her in a bad situation, but never got crazy enough to hurt her insanely.
Then, 2 years ago, I had ALOT of friends in school and it was the best year of my life, in terms of being accompanied and heard. However, I hated myself. I hated everything about me severly. My looks, my voice, skin tone (only mine not a racist), height, ethnicity, features, parents, siblings everything. But my friends kept me from doing anything wrong for most of it. I did make an attempt but it went unsuccessful fortunately. The entire year went like this.
Then last year, my class section was separated to a different one fromy friends because I got bad grades. I did not know anyone personally or as friends from that class. I really wanted to get out and move to the class of friends which I could if I got great grades. I was working very hard getting all A's to go to the other section. However, I came across this girl hat was amazing and just like me at first. Then as time went on, we started hooking up. It was a very big identity crisis for me as I am straight and this was the second person I started physically interacting with. It threw me in depression. I made more than 5 attempts amd one almost went really successful. Also because this girl was very manipulative, gaslighter and a huge huge liar. I would never say anything bad to someone that I used to be friends with or knew even if they were bad not because I want to portray myself as an angel but because when I am not satisfied with myself I have no right to judge anyone else no matter what but this girl deserves it. I lost my real friends because of her.
I started praying and started following my religion. I gave up the self hate completely. I started watching new shows, discovering things I liked and started enjoying study. I am looking forward to help my family with financial support considering I am the oldest (along with my studies). I sometimes do get anxiety attacks and never want to be seen or talked by anyone. But it's a phase and is over within a short span of time. I have healed ALOT and the most in this year than I previously ever have in my life but those experiences and traumas are still stuck with me to this day.
I know someone that reads this would say that it's not that extreme to be called a trauma but it is. There's a lot more to it that I can't share. It's an insane build of all these little teeny tiny bad experiences and incidents that have made it almost impossible for me to look back.
Another thing, the girl from last year that I was physically involved with, I have come to terms with the fact that I never loved her nor did she but it was the physical touch and intimacy that made us stay together, it was not over from any way.
I would love to see what people have to say about this. But for most, I would absolutely love if somebody out there tells me any method or way to escape from this and get rid of it all at once mentally forever 🤍.
