wednesdaygirl Member Profile

...See more This is a bit of a long one. There is a tl;dr at the end. So, for context, I've lived with my flatmate for 2 years. We quickly became good friends and I would consider her to be my best friend, definitely the most significant relationship I've ever had. A few months ago, we moved out of the house we shared with others into a 2 bedroom flat. In that time, we've got a lot closer. We sit very close to each other, touch a lot more, she has slept in my bed a few times, she referred to me as her partner, she mentioned she would like to keep living with me and would even like to buy a house with me. I've been feeling quite confused about all of this and have developed romantic feelings for her. I'm not sure if they're necessarily sexual, but I definitely think about her a lot, want to hug her and touch her, and feel committed to her in a way I haven't felt for my other friends. These feelings have been building over the last couple of months, but I didn't want to say anything in case it jeopardised the friendship. She's so important to me and the thought of losing her is a really difficult thought. Her friendship has always meant more to me than anything else. Last week, I explained to her that as we're so close, it sometimes feels like we're in a relationship and I forget she's not actually my girlfriend. She said to me, "Are you asking me to be?" I wasn't sure if she was joking, so I just laughed and replied, "the timing doesn't seem right." She then said, "Yeah, ask me again in a few weeks." This confused me because her tone of voice and facial expression didn't make it seem like she was joking. A few days ago, we went out and both got very drunk. When we got home, she invited me to sleep in her bed and then invited me to cuddle her. We began spooning and I felt some chemistry between us. I then stupidly asked her if she was feeling it too. She laughed awkwardly and left the room. When she came back, I asked her again. I said, "Look, tell me if I'm wrong, but is there something between us?" She just told me that nothing could happen as we live together but that things might be different if we didn't. I apologised and went back to my room. The next morning, we had a chat and I explained I'd been feeling confused about our friendship as we have got so close and we aren't like this with any of our other friends. She said she wasn't sure what she was feeling, but that nothing could happen between us. We both agreed that we wanted to go back to normal, but I told her we needed to enforce more boundaries like not getting so close or sharing a bed, because that was confusing for me. She was upset as she said she liked things how they were, but she agreed. We spent the morning together and just acted like things were normal, but when we got home, she started acting very distant and avoiding me. In the evening, just before I went to see my other friends, she told me she was feeling confused and that she was a bit angry at me. I told her we should talk about things the next morning. The next morning, she avoided me a lot again. We would usually spend a lot of time together, but she stayed in her room. Eventually, she came out to reschedule plans we had together this week so she could see her other friends, which was fine with me, but I told her I was really upset by how things were between us. I said that I didn't want my feelings to get in the way of our friendship and that I was happy to return to normal. She said she was annoyed at me for saying anything because my feelings probably would have faded and things could have stayed the same. I asked her if she wanted me to go stay with my family for the week to give her some space and she agreed that was a good idea. She said she still wanted to talk to me while I was away and that when I get back, she wants to pretend nothing ever happened. I've been away for 3 days and we've barely spoken. We usually message all day until late at night, but we've only sent a few messages a day and it's been a bit stilted and overly polite. I understand that things are likely to be a bit awkward, but I'm also confused because until I told her how I was feeling, she had always been very openly affectionate towards me. When we spent time apart, she would message me to tell me she was missing me and she always told me how much I meant to her and how much she cared for me. She has always been a lot more emotionally open with me than I am with her and now I feel completely frozen out. I'm hurt because I know that if the roles were reversed, then I would treat her with a lot more kindness and I would do more to reassure her that I still care about her and her friendship is still important to me. I also feel annoyed because I feel like there were a lot of mixed signals from her and that comment about me asking her to be my girlfriend really confused me. She said it was just a joke, but she also told me she'd suspected for a while that I had feelings for her, so why would she make a joke like that?? That's not funny to me. It's just hurtful and confusing. I won't see her until this weekend and I'm worried that when I do, things will still feel awkward and that just really upsets me because her friendship has meant so much to me over the last couple of years and I'm worried that I've screwed things up. I wish she would talk to me more but she's being so icy at the moment. I just don't know what to do. tl;dr I told my best friend (who I live with) that I have feelings for her and now things are super awkward, and I'm worried I've ruined our friendship.

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