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wiintersoldier
55 M Embraced
PathStep 8 Compassion hearts5 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2015 Member sinceNovember 29, 2015
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I don't know what to do anymore?
Depression Support / by wiintersoldier
Last post
 November 30th, 2015
...See more Hello! I've been battling depression for about 5 years now. I turned 18 in October and there's been up and downs in the last few years but I pretty much reached my low over the last half a year. I changed schools last year and I was in a good place and things were working out but i started to get panic attacks before school and I stopped sleeping and barely went to school anymore (which happened before when I was about 13) but I still pushed myself really hard because I didn't want to fail. I completely stressed myself out which led to one hell of a breakdown one morning. I decided to take a break which turned into the rest of the year. During that time everything was kinda 'quiet', I didn't get panic attacks, was barely anxious and very convinced I would get my life together at some point. At the end of the year I decided that going to a regular school wasn't much of an option so I started distance learning which works out fine. About half a year ago I started to get extremely bad panic attacks which often lasted hours and my mom had to sit with me because I couldn't calm down. That was the first time I ever 'confronted' her with my anxiety. Everything just went downhill from there. Over 4 months I had daily panic attacks so bad I couldn't even fall asleep and I often stayed awake for 3 days or more. I was too anxious to eat and I lost quite some weight. The panic subsided, and I didn't have an attack for about 2 months now and I'm able to sleep and eat again. So, that's good, but my depression decided that now would be a great time to make a move. I'm trying to not oversleep, I'm sleeping about 7 hours every night, but I'm dead tired all day and often on the verge of falling asleep. I can't get anything done. The simplest tasks are too much and I can't even get myself out of bed. I'm sitting at my laptop all day, watching movies, listening to music and mostly excessive daydreaming. I don't have any motivation at all. I'm completely behind with all my school work but I can't get myself to even care. So what? I won't graduate. I don't want to live anyway so why does it matter? I'm actually a very determined person, I had a lot of dreams throughout my life and had a lot of plans, I always did my best for good grades because I wanted to succeed and do my best to fulfil my dreams. But there's nothing left from that motivation. Nothing get's me excited anymore, seriously nothing. I don't leave the house much, only when I'm going somewhere with my mom, grocery shopping for example or buying Christmas stuff like last week, or when I'm having a doctor's appointment from time to time. So all in all sometimes once a week, sometimes every two weeks, sometimes only once a month. I'm not seeing anyone but my parents all day and they're at work until late afternoon. I have a best friend, who I'm endlessly grateful for, and a few other people who I'd consider friends but I'm not really that close to. About 2 months ago the memory issues started. I was pretty forgetful, the last couple days were a little foggy. But one day I got up and didn't remember going to bed the night before. It got really bad from there. I don't really remember the last couple months. They're just gone. Some major events like my birthday or dying my hair a different color are still there but nothing else. I don't remember yesterday, at all. If I sit down and concentrate really hard I remember bits an pieces, like watching a movie in the evening, but that's all. I can't tell you what happened in the movie either I just know that I watched it. I'm already struggling with this morning. It's all blurry. Another thing is that everything feels really strange, a bit like being drunk but without the fun. My head feels really foggy and when I'm looking at one point for a bit I feel like the whole room starts moving and spinning and I start to feel faint. I sometimes just sit there and look down at my hands and just wonder is this happening? Because it doesn't feel real. It feels strange. I'm not sure how to exactly describe it. I think those two aspects are the worst part of it all. I don't want to leave the house because when I'm somewhere else everything feels and looks strange and wrong and I just want to go home because it scares me. I tried to explain this to my parents several times and I had a really bad argument with my mom today who told me that she can't handle this anymore. I feel bad because I'm such a burden to them. I honestly feel like I'm going crazy and I don't know what to do anymore. I'm terrified. I went to therapy for a couple months (an hour every two weeks) but I don't feel like it helped me at all. Does anyone have any advice? I'm so scared because I've never felt like this before and I can't function anymore and I'm simply terrified that maybe I'm finally losing it.
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