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willingClementine8601
1 502 M Embraced 4
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts24 Forum posts13 Forum upvotes15 Current upvotes15 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2022 Member sinceJanuary 4, 2022
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Recovery downs
Eating Disorder Support / by willingClementine8601
Last post
 May 23rd, 2022
...See more Hi guys. I’ve been recovering for almost a year. Today is not a good day. Currently I’m struggling with self love and my body image. Today I feel like no one would ever love because of how much weight I gained. Thinking logically I know that there’s no correlation, but deep down it’s a different story. These thoughts of never being enough never leave my head, which worsens my depression. I'm scared that I will never stop thinking this way. I’m trying to love myself, but I feel so disgusting today. I don’t know what to do. Going to the gym just reinforces my old toxic patterns. Any suggestions?
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I just need to vent
Depression Support / by willingClementine8601
Last post
 January 26th, 2022
...See more Trigger warning: Sh, negative talk, su*c*d@1 ideations Hi guys, it’s been really hard to cope lately. I’ve been dealing with depression for almost 9 years now (I’m almost 20) I feel like the time stopped years ago and now I’m just imagining what it would be like if it never stopped, and this life that I keep living is all inside of my head and I can never find a way out. I keep dissociating, wondering constantly how real everything is, how real are my thoughts and my actions. This year has been one of the worst , I feel like I lost myself. I don’t care enough about living, my social life as well as my academic one are only getting worse. I’ve been drinking a lot, partying, and engaging in risky behavior. I thought that this year would be different, I restarted my medication 3 months ago, but stopped taking it because I wasn’t feeling good. Last week I just wanted to find something to live for, so I decided to go to London with my friends, the trip was great which made everything worse. I have caring parents (they don’t recognize depression as an illness, but they are trying at least), I have good friends (despite having a fall out with one some of them), I have a stable life, and I was supposedly majoring in something that I love (Video game development). Even though everything in my life is going well, I just kept feeling worse. And I am so exhausted, I am trying so so hard. But I just feel like I can’t even breathe. Self harming has been my plank of salvation, I don’t know what to do anymore.
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New year same old depression
Depression Support / by willingClementine8601
Last post
 January 4th, 2022
...See more Hey guys! I created this thread in hopes that some of you will relate so that we can feel less lonely. Lately I’ve been struggling with my treatment and my support system. I’ve been partying and drinking and engaging in risky behavior, and that made me think a lot… I started to wonder why I feel the need to be wild and do things that I normally wouldn’t. And I came to a conclusion that I’ve been chasing a kind of high, I’ve been chasing numbness and euphoria. My recovery journey has been bumpy, I got worse then I got a LOT better, then I got a Lot worse then I got to a point where I felt nothing and I felt like I was nothing, and so it was a never ending cycle, full of losses and wins. And I am tired, I am tired of being fake hopeful and strong, I grew tired of being everything that everyone else wanted me to be. And so this year I tried to be someone else, someone normal and healthy, confident and sexy, wild and happy. And let me tell you it had consequences. I can’t be someone that I am not, and I can’t fake something that I don’t feel. It’s okay to feel down, to feel happy, it’s okay to be depressed and have moments of happiness, you are valid and your depression is valid. It’s an exhausting journey, but I rather keep walking on this dreadful path full of ups and downs, than to live constantly on a never ending pit. I tried to be a little positive in the end, but oh well.
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