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willingVase6170
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts5 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2021 Member sinceFebruary 26, 2021
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How to talk to boyfriend about potential early alcohol abuse signs
Addiction Support / by willingVase6170
Last post
 March 8th, 2021
...See more Hi all, For a brief backstory: I (29F) have been dating my boyfriend (30M) for 6 months. We lived in the same city for the first 3 months but are now on month 3 of 15 months where we're doing long-distance (across the US). Things are going wonderfully so far, but our biggest issue is our differing relationships with alcohol. I don't drink very much any more, maybe 1-3 drinks per week. My BF used to use pretty much any drug you can imagine, and was a very habitual cigarette/weed smoker and drank very heavily as well; he stopped using everything except alcohol (including cigarettes) 2+ years ago, and has significantly cut down on his alcohol usage since then. However, he still drinks much more than I am used to, and I am concerned by the amount. When I met him, a regular weeknight was to drink 4-6 strong IPAs. On weekends he would do the same, with the addition of gin (which he likes straight on ice, so 2 drinks ends up being about 6 shots of gin). We've had a couple of talks about alcohol in the last few months, and I know I'm not doing the best job at communicating on the subject, since I'm trying to be overly sensitive to him, but he is a great partner and listens and hears me. He knows that I don't like it when he's already tipsy if I come over for dinner or something, so he's stopped drinking before he sees me (or will limit himself to just 1 beer; then he will have more drinks once I'm there). He cut out alcohol completely for the first 2 weeks of January this year, which was very hard for him and the longest he's gone without alcohol in many years; he did this partially to prove to himself and to me that he can go without alcohol. Now, he is drinking again but primarily limits himself to Friday and Saturday nights, although lately I've noticed there have been some Thursdays and Mondays thrown in. He also really struggles to drink in moderation; he can't have just one beer, especially if he has a 6-pack sitting in his fridge. I personally struggle with binge-eating, and for me if I restrict too severely I end up overcompensating and binging; I wonder if he is experiencing a similar thing with alcohol. He says that our relationship is more important to him than alcohol, so I know he's willing to put in the effort, but at the same time has said that he is not making the changes for himself; he wouldn't be changing anything if it weren't for me. The fact that he is making the changes for me concerns me a bit that they won't stick, or he'll resent me for them, because he's not being true to himself. He still stays the same sweet, funny, kind guy when he's drinking, so it's hard for me to verbalize to him why the alcohol is an issue for me (at this time in our lives). He understands that alcohol isn't a big part of my life now, and I expect it to be an even smaller part of my life going forward, especially once I start having a family, and he seems to be on board with all of that. When we Facetime and I see him drinking, it makes me feel anxious, even though it's not impacting me directly (since we are living on opposite sides of the country right now). I'm not sure how to communicate this with him, so the conversation always ends up going something like this: Me - "What beer did you get?"..."Yum! That sounds delicious. How many have you enjoyed so far this evening?"..."How are you feeling?" Basically, just dancing around the subject when instead I want to be like "you've had 5 very strong IPAs in 3 hours??" I would love some tips on how I should approach this topic with him. He finds these conversations frustrating because I don't have a specific "outcome" in mind; I think he would prefer that I set specific boundaries, such as "no weeknight drinking" or "4 drink limit on weekend nights". But like I mentioned earlier, I don't necessarily think that this type of restriction is healthy, nor do I want to be responsible for setting the restrictions for him. When we're together, he often asks my permission before having a drink, which I also don't love. For him, it's coming from a place of thoughtfulness and respect, but for me, it feels like I'm his mother or something, and that it's not really realistic for me to tell him no. So, what do people think? Is this concerning behavior? How can I best encourage him to seek help while being supportive?
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