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wittyEyes6543
930 M Little Steps 1
PathStep 91 Compassion hearts27 Forum posts78 Forum upvotes119 Current upvotes119 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2022 Member sinceJuly 25, 2019
Bio

I knit and crochet (socks and blankets mostly). I sometimes play video games. I enjoy reading (fantasy and horror).

Recent forum posts
How long is too long?(RE: mourning)
Hobby Zone / by wittyEyes6543
Last post
 June 7th, 2022
...See more In the past month, I have lost 2 pet rats (the first I inherited so wasn't totally attached but did care for him, just didn't have him long enough for a true bond, the other I chose from a litter that was found abandoned on a hiking trail a little over a year ago). I know to some they were "just rats" but to me they were my friends. I work from home and they are in a large cage in my office space. Even my husband really only gave me 48 hours and now when I cry about missing my BB (the one I picked along with his 2 brothers who are still happy and healthy) I feel like he doesn't understand and I get the feeling that he is thinking "just get over it already". Honestly, I cried less after my mother died (but she is part of the reason I need a resource like 7cups). I don't know if it would have been easier if I had not tried to save him by getting meds for him instead of having the vet put him down when I took him there (vet was iffy on whether he'd pull through but my choice). I feel guilty and it hurts because I was holding him when he passed begging him to hold on until I could him the meds. I am at the point now where I know once the boys I have are gone I won't get more, they are sweet and affectionate, but just don't live long enough (no pet does). Thanks for the ears.
Hello....(possible trigger)
Self-Harm Recovery / by wittyEyes6543
Last post
 November 12th, 2019
...See more Hello all, I am a 47-year-old woman with a long list of issues that have lead me here. I am the adult child of a workaholic father and an alcoholic mother. Honestly I don't remember a time when I didn't deal with anger with a physical attack on myself. As a young child (4 or so) I would bang my head repeatedly on walls when I was overwhelmed. As I got older when I was in an intense emotinoal state (anger, sadness, confusion) I would claw my hands and scratch my arms and hands hard enough to draw blood. In high school I fractured my hands numerous times by punching walls, usually brick ones. At 16 I found myself a statistic (16 and pregnant), gave up the baby for adoption but 4 months later my sister gave birth to my niece who I basically raised while she was at work and after work she used to go drinking with her coworkers instead of coming home. Then she got married but still expected that I would be her free babysitter whenever they went out and of course our mother never asked if I had time it was just expected that I would go and look after the kids (she had 5 kids between the ages of 19 and 26) when she "needed" me (this was usually so her and her hubby could go out tot he bars and go dancing). I have gone years between self-harm incidents but on Monday felt so overwhelmed by it all I took one of my pins for blocking my knitting and scratched the hell out of my forearm with it. Don't really remember doing it but looking at some of the scatches it looks like I tried to write "DIE" and then scratch it off. Part of the issues are we have had an unplanned pregnancy announced (going to be a grandparent in the new year), my dad had a car accident and then was taken to hospital a couple of weeks later and diagnosed with bronchits and some of his other health issues are also flaring. He lives with my sister and I feel like I do nothing for him. I rarely see him as he still works and I hate to disturb his routine. I really don't know how to be close to anyone. My husband of 27 years has done his best to weather these storms with me but he doesn't really understand and I don't know how to explain it. It is a cycle of doing okay, to a bunch of small stresses coming up making me anxious and then I will be fine but it is like a snowball and about once every year or 2 it boils over and I become moody, broody, past focused and overall tank my own self-esteem by telling myself things I would NEVER say to another human being about my worth, my intelligence and my overall attractiveness to others. I have no real life friends, I have my husband and my children. I learned very young not to rely on my sister who is emotionally manipulative and also has her own mental disorders, or my father who is a kind man, was very stoic and I felt emotionless and wondered why I couldn't be like him. Calm, kind, focused, but wanted to be more available than he was (growing up if I wanted to see him I went to his workshop in the backyard as he worked from home and at another job 8 hours a day, later found out he was working so hard to support my mother's alcoholism as he didn't really clue in to where the money went just that they were always short). I am fairly new to 7cups and don't really know what to expect but I have to learn new coping mechanisms before I do something incredibly stupid or dangerous (in writing this I never realized I had been using pain as a way to express intense emotion for 90% of my life). I do not have a therapist (can't really afford one) and I have a brand new family doctor and I am not sure how to approach him about these issues without feeling like I am a complete and total mess. I have always felt that emotions were my enemy and always tried to hide/deny them. Even happiness seems like a useless thing to me. Thanks for listening.
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