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wittyShade7169
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts24 Forum posts6 Forum upvotes10 Current upvotes10 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2026 Member sinceJanuary 25, 2021
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Depression is ruining my life.
Depression Support / by wittyShade7169
Last post
 January 25th
...See more Hi, I am 21F and I am severely depressed and it's ruining my life. I've been depressed for a while now, years. I've always known I need help but I can't afford therapy and I don't have health insurance. This is my attempt at trying something new because bedrotting doesn't work and I keep losing friends because I don't have the mental capacity to maintain those relationships and myself right now. I hate that because I love my friends. If I could give them all the world on diamond plated platter I would, but right now I'm struggling to see the good in the world. I experienced a lot of big trauma's in a short period of time as a child. When I was 12 my stepdad left and I started taking care of my sick (lupus) mom. 2 months after I turned 13 she died. She really was my best friend and one of the last people on this Earth that I felt like really loved me. Less than a week later my siblings and I got evicted (by our own aunt) and I was split up from not only my siblings but also everything I'd ever known. Most of my things got thrown out because I was moving in with my dad and there was no space. I was living out of trash bags and 1 drawer, the rest of the dresser was filled with my dad and brothers items. There were about 10 of us in a 2 bedroom apartment, it was dirty and uncomfortable. I never had a space to call my own and there was no AC in the summer time. After we got evicted from there I bounced around a lot. I was always grateful to have a roof over my head but at the same time the lack of stability gravely affected my mental health. I started being very active in school, captain of the cheer team, student body president, planning dances and protests, anything you can think of I was doing it. And at the end of the day, after school ended and practice was over I was still facing the cold harsh truth that was my reality. My family was broken, poor, and I felt like I wasn't seen or cared about the way they cared for each other. So I graduated high school and immediately went to college hoping for better. When I left, my family didn't reach out or try to support me so I was broke and lonely 7 hours away. The school was terrible, I kept having housing issues, there was mold EVERYWHERE,  and everyone just acted like it was normal. I felt like I was going crazy but I was persistent about my degree. I had to drop out of school last semester because it keeps getting more expensive and I'm paying for it out of pocket alone. I feel like a burden. A disgrace or an accident of some sort. I can't figure out why nobody cares enough to help me, and every attempt I make to help myself falls through. For years I've been trying to figure out why nobody cares about my struggle or will help me. For years my mental health has been steadily crumbling and it hurts so much. I'm at a point where I don't want to meet new people or make new friends. I don't want to go out to events or even answer the phone. I don't WANT to be alone, but everyone I've ever needed has left me when I needed them most, so now I don't trust anyone to truly be there for me. I feel like there's a time bomb on all my relationships; it's only a matter of time before everyone decides I'm too broken and I require too much support or love or whatever it is I need. My brain keeps telling me I'm broken beyond repair, nobody cares about me, no one would miss me if I was gone. I don't want to believe these things but it's such a battle. And explaining how my depression works to people who have never experienced it is almost pointless at this stage. I fear I will be lonely and depressed forever.
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