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apologies in advance for the very long explanation:
My Gf and I are thinking about breaking up (I M19)(Her F18)
We’ve been in a ldr since March but now things are reaching a breaking point mostly because I’ve been quite argumentative the past few months due to our rough start.
The first few weeks of the relationship were pretty great. Both of us were deeply in love, I told everyone in my family and all my friends about her, but soon after things went down the drain.
She started making me jealous on purpose; I.e, saying she would hook up with my friends, always complimenting and commenting how ‘hot’ other guys were, sending me tiktoks and posts throughout the days of dudes on the internet with her adding how she wishes she could sleep with them, going into great detail about dreams she had where she had sex with other men (one of the dreams was a threesome she had that I still vividly remember almost a year later because of how much it hurt), things like that with the sole intention of getting me jealous on purpose. She told me she thought it was ‘cute’ when my feelings were hurt and when I got jealous. Even so, I was extremely patient. I never insulted her or raised my voice at her and I never went down to her level even though I was desperate to get her to stop. I still was lovey dovey and romantic with her, constantly showing her how much I love her.
But no matter how many times I told her how bad it made me feel and how many times she promised she would stop, she didn’t stop until 7 months later. It took me breaking down into tears begging for her to stop for her to stop. But since then she’s told me a few times she thinks making me jealous wasn’t ‘that big of a deal’. Or she says she was immature back then even though this was less than 6 months ago.
Back then she would also insult me and belittle me in front of my friends and her friends. She would name call me and flip me off, and she would get mad at me for getting upset at her so at the end of the day it was me who would end up apologising. I cared more about keeping the relationship happy than about being right, so I would apologize. (I’m not a pushover anymore which is where I think a lot of our current problems arise).
Soon after I would find out she lied and hid things from me and that was the final straw for me.
After that I became dry and emotionally distant. It took about 7 months of me being absolutely patient with her and basically coddling her to reach this point. I’m not going to downplay what I did, I did become an ***. I was pretty cold to her and gave her the cold shoulder, I still never stooped down to how she treated me, but I was still bad in my own right. I also developed trust issues where multiple times a week I would think she was cheating. I even found out she was still answering an ex months after she agreed she would cut contact with him completely. To her credit she’s the one who told me about this, however, it doesn’t make it any better. At least in my opinion.
I’m not proud of it but I even insulted her one time by calling her immature and I saying she had an ego due to her inability to properly apologize. I regret it and I’ve apologized many times to her. But now we keep having the same back and forth argument.
I keep trying to explain to her that the reason I’m so argumentative as of late is because I tried the loving and patient way for a long time and it just caused her to walk all over me, now almost a year later I’m just fed up with the fact that she doesn’t take accountability for her past and current issues (she has a problem where she ghosts me and leaves whenever an argument comes up) and she doesn’t apologize and take the steps to change/improve. I’ve improved. My trust issues have gotten way better the past two months and I even started therapy about 3 months ago in order to better myself for her. But she doesn’t do the same. She doesn’t make an attempt to improve or even apologize. She said she does but her actions have always contradicted her words. She acts like the things she did to me were years in the past when she barely stopped less than 6 months ago. Getting over emotional abuse and trust issues like that doesn’t take a couple months but she doesn’t grasp that concept. Especially when she refuses to improve. She thinks that her past actions don’t affect our relationship today.
She doesn’t understand when I tell her that the issues I have, like with me having trust issues and being cold/emotionally distant is a result of the many months of emotional abuse she treated me with the beginning of the relationship.
For example: I trusted her completely at the beginning. I was never a jealous type of person. Only when she broke my trust and gave me every reason to doubt her loyalty is when I developed these issues.
Another example: I was extremely lovey dovey, even though I’ve never been before but I did it because I wanted to make her feel special, yet being emotionally vulnerable with her just caused her to walk all over me and take advantage of how forgiving I was.
I’m not going to say she hasn’t improved at all. She stopped getting me jealous on purpose and she doesn’t insult me anymore, but she is very emotionally neglectful. She shows little to no love or care and she barely puts in effort to making us work. At this point it’s surprising that she even answers my texts. She even has told me (rough quotations) ‘how can I show you love when I’m tired and I have problems with my family?’
She justifies her actions by saying it’s due to my cold behavior and my argumentative attitude as well as my trust issues that made her lose the ‘spark’ in our relationship. She said she tried showing me love for a while but I was too dry, too argumentative, and too emotionally distant (keep in mind I was in that cold state of mind due to how she treated me in the first place as this was after she emotionally abused me) and because of that she gave up trying to show me love and trying to talk to me.
I’ve tried for quite a long time to explain to her that the reason why I became emotionally distant, argumentative, and gained trust issues is because of her treatment towards me but she just doesn’t get it and instead chooses to ghost me for days whenever we argue about this. Even now I still think I am being incredibly patient. Anyone in these conditions would’ve left this relationship a long time ago, but I genuinely love her a lot and want to fix things with her.
I even told her I’m willing to forgive everything she’s ever done if she would just take accountability, sincerely apologize, and take the steps to change and improve.
All I’m asking at this point is the bare minimum: for her to show love and care, to put effort into our relationship, not to ghost me, and to apologize and improve her toxic behaviours.
Instead she’s still refusing to do so in favor of her trying to justify her current behaviors by saying it’s a result of my mean attitude.
Idk maybe I’m the one messing up here :/
If I am please tell me. I prefer the cold hard truth
I’m at my breaking point and idk what to do
