Skip to main content Skip to bottom nav
xoLula
61 M Embraced
PathStep 3 Compassion hearts5 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeDecember, 2021 Member sinceDecember 6, 2021
Bio
Recent forum posts
xoLula profile picture
Relationship (feat. Money Problems)
Relationship Stress / by xoLula
Last post
 December 11th, 2021
...See more Hi, So this problem starts when I was 16 and found myself in a manipulative and abusive relationship with an older woman. I stupidly allowed her to use my details to obtain short-term/pay-day loans to fuel her drug habit and, although I knew I was being made a fool of at the time, I was young, stupid, struggling with my own sexuality, thought I was in love and, frankly, had no self-worth so it didn't cross my mind that I might have deserved better. It took me 8 years to finally leave and cut all ties with her and a further 2 years to gain the mental strength to begin rebuilding my life, although it's left me riddled in debt with a terrible credit score to boot. I still have just under £9k to pay back at ridiculously high interest rates due to neither her nor myself being able to keep up with the repayments, thus driving down my credit score. Most of my monthly repayments go to paying back the interest, rather than the loan itself so it's so frustrating. But I'm getting there! I'm now 31 and have been paying off the debts regularly but my credit score isn't improving enough for the next step of my life (next paragraph!), with having so much bad history and a good chunk of borrowing already on my file. I'm in a relationship with the absolute love of my life now and we've lived together for 2 years but getting our own place has always been the end goal. It's always been in our plans but recently we have been seriously discussing taking the plunge and getting a mortgage on a house of our own. I have been open with her about my past and the shadow it carries on my finances and how it'll be very unlikely for us to be offered a good mortgage deal until I've paid off the remainder of my debts, which will take me a lot longer than what is ideal for our plans. She's 3 years younger than me and has just completed her uni degree and started a job as a part-time teacher, which she is incredible at I'd like to add! She is from a wealthy family so.. how do I say this in the nicest way... she's not so used to paying her own way for things, as her parents take care of her very well. The thought of obtaining credit from a bank has never crossed her mind so she's very much new to the whole thing. She's looked into her own credit score and found that her rating is excellent (literally 1 point off the top score!) so she said we could look to get the mortgage in her name if it will work out better that way with the borrowing etc. Now trust isn't an issue here for me but of course there is a part of me that knows I need to cover my own back as an individual no matter what... plus my own pride and independence begs for me to have everything split down the middle... so that is the only way I can move forward on it. I then suggested her taking out a loan in her name for the equivalent of the debt I owe because, with her credit rating, she is very likely to be offered the best interest rates on the market therefore the monthly repayments will be much less yet take less time to pay off as my repayments will go to paying off the actual loan itself rather than just the interest. Then I can clear the debt much quicker so we can look to get the mortgage together eventually. I know this is a big thing to ask someone to do so I told her we would only do it if she felt 100% comfortable and we ran through all the details so she completely understood everything before agreeing to it. She got really spooked by the idea and I could tell by her face that she didn't want to, so I dropped the idea immediately. I would never push anyone to do something like this, it's a big thing to do for someone else, but I just thought it made the most sense and is the best answer to our current predicament (also a much smaller commitment than getting a mortgage alone for us!). But now I just feel completely rubbish about the whole thing and feel as though I'm dragging us back as a couple because of my past issues still haunting me financially. A part of me also feels a little resentment towards her for not helping me when she has the ability to, but then I scold myself for daring to feel that way when I have no right to expect such a thing from her. I'm just all mixed up about the whole thing and I'm not sure how we can approach the topic again.
Search more from @xoLula
Talk to an expert therapist
Sharing your depressive thoughts and feelings may be scary and overwhelming, so...
Talk to Johanna Now
Badges & Awards
4 total badges
Hand Shake First Post Reaching out First Compassion
Report an issue