zamirre Member Profile

...See more Right now, we just started classes, but I'm already overwhelmed. Before the start of the class, I thought I'll do just fine... but I didn't. In fact, it worsened. Meeting other people just worsened my anxiety. I mean, people also get anxiety before meeting people because, like, who knows what they are thinking? I socialised even just a little bit, but it worsened. Everything worsened. I don't want to do anything school-related stuff. I feel like I'm pushing myself further if I do those. I would likely become more miserable if I forced myself. I don't have any motivation or any care if I fail... I want to rest. Even if I would just lay all day, I would still be exhausted. I hate myself for it. My mother would accuse me as lazy, she's right, I am. But... I can't tell them what I'm feeling... history will just repeat. Back then, I told my mother I wanted to commit... she gave me a knife and said, "Do it." No one really helped me back then. I mean, I isolated myself. My classmates are asking about my situation or how am I... I don't want anyone to know what I'm going through. I don't want to be a burden... they're already stressed enough. They might say, "Everyone feels that way." Maybe... but doesn't mean that I'm going to be alright after someone told me that. In fact, it's the opposite. People just ignore the problem until it's too late. That's what I'm afraid for. I'm already misunderstood and ignored. No one will take me seriously. Not even my parents. They would just tell me their whole life history... that they went through worse situations than I am. That I shouldn't think of those things. I wish it's that easy. I can't just turn on or off my mind about negative thoughts. Even for no reason, I felt down and sometimes empty. The only things that kept me going are through writing and music. I'm afraid that everything will repeat again. My parents would forcefully tell me to go to school through verbal and by pulling me towards the doorway. I hope they won't see this... I still care for them... but they don't just help. "You literally do nothing aside from going to school. That's the only thing you'll do, and you can't even do it? What about your future? You'll just be abused when you're an adult. You don't know anything... we'll just leave you alone. You did this to yourself. It's such a small thing, and you're thinking those? How would you survive without us?" They're right. But these feelings just came when you least expect it. You can't focus. You lose interest. Everything felt dull. People would ignore your problems... because you're the problem. No, it's the mind between me and my mind. I wish I could eat without anyone telling me, "You're all bones... you should eat more." Do they really want me to be unhealthy? I can manage myself. But when it's about these feelings... they can't help me at all. Due to that, I don't easily tell anyone what I'm feeling. Isolation made me a little better with no expectations. Now that it's all returning... I'm afraid of what will happen again. For anyone who's suffering the same, you're not alone. You're a human, and it's valid to feel those. People ignore what they can't understand. You're already strong enough to get through this far. Darkness will go soon. And if that happened, be proud of yourself. You're brave and worthy. Don't forget that.

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