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zer0107
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts25 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2026 Member sinceSeptember 29, 2024
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Just rambling, because that's all I know
Newbie Hub / by zer0107
Last post
 October 10th, 2024
...See more Hello, firstly thank you for anyone reading this and sorry for all the rambling. I am new here and this is my first post so I apologize for some mistakes in it. I just had to say it out loud since I have kept it in long enough and don't know what to do anymore. I was diagnosed with C-PTSD, severe OCD and mild schizophrenia about 3 years ago. I was quite paranoid and suicidal too at that time, atleast I am better now in this regard.  Backstory --> These issues arise from more than 2 decades of brutal physical and mental abuse by my parents and even other close relatives. I was a great student and wanted to study physics, got into one of the best colleges in the world by scoring top 0.1% in the country in 2nd most difficult examination in the world but chose a major I had no interest in due to parental pressure (maybe the Asian parents stereotype is real), I mean what would a 18 year old know and do when you know the consequences would be severe beatings and eventually the same decision so I accepted it and went with it anyway. Now more than 8 years later I am nearly 27 barely completed a 4 year (3 actually passed with exit degree option to complete the degree with less credits) old degree in 6.5 years, unemployed with mental health issues, no money, barely get a one time meal at home and that too because I do all the household work, have nothing going on in academics or job prospects, my brain doesn't feel like it works anymore, I cannot retain basic information and can't even speak coherently many times. And the worst part is I don't feel anything no pain, anger, joy, etc just pure frustration and boredom. Now --> I was taking counselling sessions (both guidance counsellor and psychiatrist as it was free in college) and my father took me to a top psychiatrist when I was suicidal, when she explained everything to him after 4-5 sessions he stopped he sessions as he claims he has never done anything wrong (I guess beating your kid repeatedly on the head with a steel rod is normal and that too the day I scored rank 2 in the entire state). But today I don't care about him or what he has done all I car about is I am not able to do anything, I had lots of dreams and I am basically a shell, after tests the psychiatrist said that my brain secrets very minimal amount of dopamine and serotonin hence I barely feel motivation and joy. I cannot do the things I used to enjoy and have no friends. I try to study or do household work all day (as my mother is bed ridden due to slip disc and cervical spondylitis) and am stuck inside 1 room for 90% of my day. I want to do things but jus can't as much as I try, once on my counsellor asking me to draw a square I took 15+ minutes to lift the pencil and draw a line and I loved to draw when younger, My parents and younger bother say all these are excuses made by me to not do study. Now sometimes I think they are right, I am making excuses and when I push myself harder it takes a worse toll on my mental and physical health. I don't know what to do, I cannot even recognize myself by my name, I feel I have lost  my identity and don't know who I was 8 years ago, I feel I am turning 27 when I should be turning 19, I feel immature when I say these things I don't act like a 27 year old, I don't dress or do things like a 27 year old, I feel I somehow jumped 8 years into the future. At this point I have promised myself to try one last time till 31st dec 2024 or end it, I have given myself too many chances, I am too much a burden on myself to take any more chances. Thank you for reading, have a nice day.
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