2. Avoid the use of “always” and “never”

When you comment on another person’s behavior, avoid these two communication killers: always and never.

Rarely does someone “always” or “never” do or say anything. If you throw these two words into the conversation, you just added fuel to the fire and helped to escalate rather than to resolve the conflict.

Always and never are words that are part of the “all or nothing thinking” in cognitive distortion.

In all or nothing thinking, there is no grey area. There is no room for improvement or understanding. Therefore, using words like these lead to stifling growth and hindering innovation.One of the most sure-fire ways to make a difficult conversation instantly more difficult is to use a superlative  like 'always' or 'never' to describe the other person's behavior. It is guaranteed to make the conversation partner instantly defensive and offend their sense of justice, because it's probably certain to be a false statement. It's impossible for any human to be 100% consistent in any behavior or approach, positive or negative.

And we have a natural need to establish fairness and justice, so the moment someone describes us in this generalized way, we immediately begin to search our memory for contrary examples to prove it is a falsehood.

If you're trying to give feedback, or resolve conflict, the conversation is hard enough to have in the first place - why add difficulty? The person who is now preoccupied with proving you wrong is no longer listening to you or open to hearing your side of things. You've damaged your credibility in their eyes. You've taken them on a detour and now you must dig back from that detour to get back on track. A waste of time for all involved!

Therefore, be very careful to stay specific and factually correct. Instead of saying, "Pat, you're always late with your reports", say, "Pat, you turned in the last three reports late." Keep it objective and keep it constructive.