Kindness #1: What is Kindness, Really?
Rabbi Shimon ben* Elazar, said: Do not try to calm your friend in the midst of his anger, do not try to comfort him when his deceased is lying before him...and do not strive to see him at his moment of failure - Mishnah, Tractate Avot**, 4:18
As we learned a bit about in the introduction to this section, kindness isn't just expressed through a series of actions. True kindness, in essence, is really a way of life, a set of beliefs and ideals by which everyone can conduct themselves. This idea is evidenced beautifully in the above source, which instructs everyone to avoid certain behaviors whose motivations may not stem from an attitude of kindness. I will explain the rationale for the above three tips (according to various commentators***) provided by Rabbi Shimon ben Elazar, and then describe how exactly they sum up the Jewish notion of universal kindness which anyone can adopt:
- Do not try to calm your friend in the midst of his anger - Anger is usually a fleeting emotion, and it doesn't last very long, at least not at peak intensity. While major life events can cause more long-lasting and slower-burning anger, most of the time, we feel angry when something frustrates us by refusing to conform to our will. Most everyone knows how it feels to be angry - our hearts beat faster, our nostrils flare with heated breaths, and our "mental temperature" keeps on rising. In moments like these, the last thing we need is to have someone unempathetically tell us to "just chill!" It's much like telling someone sad to "cheer up." It isn't helpful, and certainly not the kind thing to do in such a situation.
- Do not try to comfort him when his deceased is lying before him - Many who experience grief, especially those who haven't lost someone before or who have just recently learned of the death of a loved one, describe it as a sort of numbness. Numbness to the world around them, to the hustle and bustle of their daily routines, and to the suddenly muffled voices of those around them. It's confusing, it's intense, and generally, it's a time when people need some solitude to think about and process what has just happened. It's important, then, that others not intrude in their initial grieving period, even if they're well intentioned, such as if they're trying to comfort the mourner. That's not helpful either.
- ...and do not strive to see him at his moment of failure - Perhaps the most general of the three, this is an instruction relevant to all relationships and to every period in our lives. We all make mistakes. That's a guaranteed facet of human existence. While mistakes themselves shouldn't be a cause of deep shame, they generally are, and just as we want to "disappear" when we feel embarrassed, so too does someone who screws up not want to find themselves (and what they did) in the spotlight. This is so even if wanting to be with them comes out of a genuine care and concern for their well-being.
All three of these suggestions focus on what is perhaps the backbone of kindness: other people exist in this world aside from you. Without that guiding principle, no act of kindness could ever truly come about. Kindness practiced in an effort to make oneself feel better, which isn't formulated based on the guiding question of "What does this person need most right now and why?", isn't a real expression of kindness at all. Of course, though, that shouldn't discourage you or anyone else if you have done these or similar things before. It just means that the implementation needs some work - the intention, however, is pretty much just where it needs to be!
In the coming steps, we're going to examine some practical steps toward cultivating and expressing kindness which emanates from within - "living" kindness as a state of being, not just an impulse which pops in once or twice a day.
* - "Ben" is the Hebrew word for "son (of)," so this really means "Rabbi Shimon the son of Elazar"
** Tractate Avot features advice from the Tannaim (singular: Tanna - Aramaic for "teacher"), the generations of rabbis who lived in Israel and Babylon between c. 20 BCE and 200 CE.
*** Primarily those of Rabbi Ovadia of Bartenura.