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049
1 160 M Embraced 1
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts38 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes26 Current upvotes26 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2026 Member sinceJuly 3, 2026
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I wish I was a normal boy
Newbie Hub / by 049
Last post
 July 8th
...See more I’m young, I recently turned 18, but I feel like I’m old and withering. I have a childhood friend who I consider my soul. we both grew up in bad homes and only had each other. we promised to move out together once I turned 19 and she turned 20. my only goal for all my life has been to take care of her and get her out of our home state. that’s the problem. my mental health is very on-and-off and things never look good for me. I ended up dropping out junior year, leaving all my friends, and working full-time for her after spiraling again. I didn’t give myself time to heal. I have no regard for myself, my only motivation and the reason I get up is to help us make our dream come true. but I recently started to realize it’s all been her dream and not mine. I just want to live normally. she’s moving away from our childhood neighborhood this year because her mom can’t stand to see us together anymore and she knows what I’m trying to do. I used to cry and panic whenever she would leave my house when we were younger because I was scared of the idea of her being alone. now it’s happening and I can’t find it in myself to care or feel anything. I don’t know. I think I’ve used all my tears on her already. I still love her and I will love her forever, but I’m just confused right now. whenever I think of what comes after all this, what happens when we move out of state together, I don’t see myself there. I don’t know who I am outside of loving her, but it’s been like this my whole life that it feels like it’s too late for me to become myself. I get headaches and I want to throw up when I think of being away from her, but I also feel sick when I think of her sometimes. some part of me thinks it’s because of my cptsd and I’m fawning. I don’t know. I think I just want to be seen and treated as a little boy again, not a tool. but I don’t have the time to rest and let myself be a kid, this was the only chance at childhood I got and I’ll never get to try again. It’s a very long story but I thank whoever might read this. I don’t need a grand response or any at all, I just had nowhere else to go and I was feeling lost. It’s hard to understand
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