I wish I was a normal boy
I’m young, I recently turned 18, but I feel like I’m old and withering.
I have a childhood friend who I consider my soul. we both grew up in bad homes and only had each other. we promised to move out together once I turned 19 and she turned 20. my only goal for all my life has been to take care of her and get her out of our home state. that’s the problem. my mental health is very on-and-off and things never look good for me. I ended up dropping out junior year, leaving all my friends, and working full-time for her after spiraling again. I didn’t give myself time to heal. I have no regard for myself, my only motivation and the reason I get up is to help us make our dream come true. but I recently started to realize it’s all been her dream and not mine. I just want to live normally.
she’s moving away from our childhood neighborhood this year because her mom can’t stand to see us together anymore and she knows what I’m trying to do. I used to cry and panic whenever she would leave my house when we were younger because I was scared of the idea of her being alone. now it’s happening and I can’t find it in myself to care or feel anything. I don’t know. I think I’ve used all my tears on her already.
I still love her and I will love her forever, but I’m just confused right now. whenever I think of what comes after all this, what happens when we move out of state together, I don’t see myself there. I don’t know who I am outside of loving her, but it’s been like this my whole life that it feels like it’s too late for me to become myself. I get headaches and I want to throw up when I think of being away from her, but I also feel sick when I think of her sometimes.
some part of me thinks it’s because of my cptsd and I’m fawning. I don’t know. I think I just want to be seen and treated as a little boy again, not a tool. but I don’t have the time to rest and let myself be a kid, this was the only chance at childhood I got and I’ll never get to try again.
It’s a very long story but I thank whoever might read this. I don’t need a grand response or any at all, I just had nowhere else to go and I was feeling lost. It’s hard to understand
@049
I'm sorry you have been so frustrated about your life decisions.. I will say there is plenty of time to have a quality life, of course you can't recover your childhood, however the thing about your childhood is the first 5 years were your most important, whatever happened then made you who you are now and will always be. Your relationship with your friend is quite complex, you have a lot of issues to resolve with her..
I wish you the best..🌲
I don't think it's too late to discover who you are outside of taking care of other people. You're only 18, even if it doesn't feel that way right now. You deserved a childhood too, and it's pretty heartbreaking that you feel like you had to give that up.
You can love your friend deeply and still want a life that belongs to you. Those two things can exist at the same time. Whatever you're feeling right now doesn't make your love any less real.
Please take care of yourself, and I hope you feel better soon ❤️
@049 ❤️❤️
Hi
As you mentioned, you are 19 or 20 years old. You stated at the end that you didn't need a long answer, but the truth is, you actually do—because I have read your story, and this kind of issue often arises in this age group. At this stage of life, we tend to take things seriously that perhaps shouldn't be treated with such gravity. The struggle is often greater for those who limit their social horizons—keeping their circle restricted to just a handful of people, like parents, a few relatives, and the few friends you mentioned. It is truly painful when we are separated from them, but you have only just begun your life's journey. You must be prepared to face such challenges and train your mind to accept that you can make new friends. You will find that, in time, you won't take many of the things you are currently stressing over quite so seriously.
Hey
I turned 18 too
But things have not been quite good for me as i struggle to make decisions
But trust i know you must have struggled
I know how much it hurts
But trust me you will find a way
I am finding it too even it's a little late
For me and maybe for you too
But it's never too late
And trust me
You can only love someone else when you love yourself first.
I wish you find your way for life.
It might not feel like it. However, I will tell you that this feeling is a good thing. It is pointing you in the direction of self-awareness and it is the beginning of a cleaner and clearer path for your life if you proactively work on it.
You have learned to erase yourself from childhood and you have lived in another person's shadows. Step out of it now. Look inwards, intentionally seek to find who you are and what you want to be outside another person's shadow.
You might not want to hear this but, I see her leaving and her mother's steps to make her leave as a blessing in disguise for you. If only you can let yourself separate from the life you have known and lived with her, try to find yourself, what you want for your future and work towards it, then you'll see a healthy version of yourself that you didn't know exist.
You've been through so much in life, you have survived and it is time to come out of other people's shadows. You can do it.
Sending you love and light from here.
We can figure it out together....
@049
I can feel your pain and just want to give you a hug. You've endured so much at a young age. You are strong and you deserve to be happy. It's not too late for you to be what you want to be.
Be gentle to yourself. We are here to listen and support you. 🤗💜🫶
