0nox1rr Member Profile

...See more Hi! I am a 16-year-old with anemia. (This will come in handy later.) Please treat this as a warning as this topic is not faint for the heart as this may be too deep. So I suggest be cautious when reading my story. Thank you! But, recently or 3 months ago. I have been experiencing these mood swings. Its like, in a week I am happy for 3 days, and then there will be a shift in my mood that it makes me angry for a day. And after that day, the rest of the week I am depressed or sad, confused, and my brain seems hazy whenever I do my activities at school, or just thinking in general. I also found out that, I am getting more forgetful. I keep forgetting important things like my phone, my bag, anything that is valuable. And it's not just for a day. I forget these things at least 3 or 4 times a week. Okay, going back to my question. I have this story to tell, on why or how I made that question. One monday morning, I suddenly woke up really well, I had a good sleep, a good breakfeast, everything. And when I got to school, I also had the best time with my friends, we hanged out, talked, and helped each other on our academics. The next tuesday morning, I still feel happy, though it is not that much, but my day is still on track, I am doing my leader-duties, and I was still able to socialize with others, yet I felt somewhat tired? Then, the next wednesday morning, I feel like I did not get enough sleep? Though my answer was, maybe I was just stressed with my duties as a leader, or as someone people kept depending on. So I moved on, went back to my tasks and activities, though, I was starting to question myself once again, I usually question myself "Am I okay?" "Am I stressed?" "Should I stop?" Unanswered. And I am usually angry or I am easily angered whenever someone talks to me too much, I did not socialize with people. They approached me, yet I talked to them, but for academic reasons only. The next thursday morning, I feel tired as ever, I feel like I did not get sleep, I feel like I was going crazy, I tried everything that makes me happy, yet none of them worked, I felt angry, I felt sad, I cannot understand what I'm doing, I just cannot do what I like. Why? I know that I don't feel stress because, I am organized, my groupmates and classmates are doing well, they are all contributing, and we are almost done, "There is no way I am stressed." I said. And then on the night of thursday, while I was doing reviewers, I suddenly, self-sabotaged myself. "You can't do anything right." "You have anemia, because you are not for this world." "You are dying because of your anemia." "You are doing your worst. This is your best?" And it keeps going on until, I have suicidal thoughts. I don't have friends to talk to about this nor I do not trust my parents to talk about this. On the next friday morning, I've never felt so empty, I've never felt so worthless, I've never felt so limited. I sometimes stop talking my Iron Supplements, I sometimes do not take them on time, hoping that it will decrease my life line. I never felt so irritated by myself. I feel like the whole world is spiraling around me, though I try to do the things that makes me happy again, but it doesn't work, it doesn't. I even tried to harm myself physically, I saw this sharp scissor and I tried to... You know what I mean. I cried, and I asked myself "Do I need someone to talk too?" "Do I just talk to myself and fix this by myself?" This was my lowest peak of my life. On the next saturday morning, I feel like I was climbing to the top again, I feel like I was starting to be myself again, I started to do the things that made me happy, I started to feel more happy? Though, I still feel tired, yet somewhat distracted. On the last sunday morning, I feel euphoric as ever, I can do everything, I joked myself as to "Why did I do that? I am me. Nothing can stop me." And I started to take my Iron Supplements on time and everyday. And I feel like I am unstoppable. I thank you everyone for reading or listening to my thread. I really much appreciate to be seen and heard, yet I am sorry for such a deep and personal talk. I hope you guys have a good day.

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