Hi! I am
a 16-year-old with anemia. (This will come in handy later.) Please treat this
as a warning as this topic is not faint for the heart as this may be too deep.
So I suggest be cautious when reading my story. Thank you!
But, recently or 3 months ago. I have been experiencing these mood swings. Its
like, in a week I am happy for 3 days, and then there will be a shift in my
mood that it makes me angry for a day. And after that day, the rest of the week
I am depressed or sad, confused, and my brain seems hazy whenever I do my
activities at school, or just thinking in general.
I also found out that, I am getting more forgetful. I keep forgetting important
things like my phone, my bag, anything that is valuable. And it's not just for
a day. I forget these things at least 3 or 4 times a week.
Okay, going back to my question. I have this story to tell, on why or how I
made that question.
One monday morning, I suddenly woke up really well, I had a good sleep, a good
breakfeast, everything. And when I got to school, I also had the best time with
my friends, we hanged out, talked, and helped each other on our academics.
The next tuesday morning, I still feel happy, though it is not that much, but
my day is still on track, I am doing my leader-duties, and I was still able to
socialize with others, yet I felt somewhat tired?
Then, the next wednesday morning, I feel like I did not get enough sleep?
Though my answer was, maybe I was just stressed with my duties as a leader, or
as someone people kept depending on. So I moved on, went back to my tasks and
activities, though, I was starting to question myself once again, I usually
question myself "Am I okay?" "Am I stressed?" "Should
I stop?" Unanswered. And I am usually angry or I am easily angered
whenever someone talks to me too much, I did not socialize with people. They
approached me, yet I talked to them, but for academic reasons only.
The next
thursday morning, I feel tired as ever, I feel like I did not get sleep, I feel
like I was going crazy, I tried everything that makes me happy, yet none of
them worked, I felt angry, I felt sad, I cannot understand what I'm doing, I
just cannot do what I like. Why? I know that I don't feel stress because, I am
organized, my groupmates and classmates are doing well, they are all
contributing, and we are almost done, "There is no way I am
stressed." I said. And then on the night of thursday, while I was doing
reviewers, I suddenly, self-sabotaged myself. "You can't do anything
right." "You have anemia, because you are not for this world."
"You are dying because of your anemia." "You are doing your
worst. This is your best?" And it keeps going on until, I have suicidal
thoughts. I don't have friends to talk to about this nor I do not trust my
parents to talk about this.
On the next friday morning, I've never felt so empty, I've never felt so
worthless, I've never felt so limited. I sometimes stop talking my Iron
Supplements, I sometimes do not take them on time, hoping that it will decrease
my life line. I never felt so irritated by myself. I feel like the whole world
is spiraling around me, though I try to do the things that makes me happy
again, but it doesn't work, it doesn't. I even tried to harm myself physically,
I saw this sharp scissor and I tried to... You know what I mean. I cried, and I
asked myself "Do I need someone to talk too?" "Do I just talk to
myself and fix this by myself?" This was my lowest peak of my life.
On the next saturday morning, I feel like I was climbing to the top again, I
feel like I was starting to be myself again, I started to do the things that
made me happy, I started to feel more happy? Though, I still feel tired, yet
somewhat distracted.
On the
last sunday morning, I feel euphoric as ever, I can do everything, I joked
myself as to "Why did I do that? I am me. Nothing can stop me." And I
started to take my Iron Supplements on time and everyday. And I feel like I am
unstoppable.
I thank you everyone for reading or listening to my thread. I really much appreciate to be seen and heard, yet I am sorry for such a deep and personal talk. I hope you guys have a good day.
