52Hertz0 Member Profile

...See more I'm just so done with people, with my brain, with life. Nobody understands what is happening to me.. Not even me. I feel like I'm being whirled around in the vortex of black and grey spaces that is my mind. I can't get out.. I can't make it stop.. I can't will myself to be better. At this point, I almost don't care if I do. I keep trying to make sense of this; of why my brain decided to break in this way. It was just sex. I don't remember if it was consensual or not.. Judging by the injuries I received, I'm willing to guess that it wasn't. But.. when I break it down to the cold, hard analytical approach.. it was JUST SEX. Why would something like this cause my mind to break so hard, so fast, and so unrelentlessly. I told myself that I didn't care for weeks, months.. And now I care about nothing at all. I haven't heard from my friends in months, and my teammates even longer. Its like the second I stopped wearing cleats and stepping out on that field, I became invisible to them. Nobody understands, and nobody cares to even try to understand. Nobody will touch me with a 10 foot pole. 12 days ago I reached out to my friends and told them of my crushing loneliness.. of my fears of self harm/suicide.. that all I wanted was to feel like somebody cared if I lived or die. They all apologized and told me that they had incorrectly assumed that I needed space.. yet since then there has still been no word from them. I am alone. I am scared. I am losing my mind. And I give up.

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