I give up
I'm just so done with people, with my brain, with life.
Nobody understands what is happening to me.. Not even me. I feel like I'm being whirled around in the vortex of black and grey spaces that is my mind. I can't get out.. I can't make it stop.. I can't will myself to be better. At this point, I almost don't care if I do.
I keep trying to make sense of this; of why my brain decided to break in this way. It was just sex. I don't remember if it was consensual or not.. Judging by the injuries I received, I'm willing to guess that it wasn't. But.. when I break it down to the cold, hard analytical approach.. it was JUST SEX. Why would something like this cause my mind to break so hard, so fast, and so unrelentlessly. I told myself that I didn't care for weeks, months.. And now I care about nothing at all.
I haven't heard from my friends in months, and my teammates even longer. Its like the second I stopped wearing cleats and stepping out on that field, I became invisible to them. Nobody understands, and nobody cares to even try to understand. Nobody will touch me with a 10 foot pole.
12 days ago I reached out to my friends and told them of my crushing loneliness.. of my fears of self harm/suicide.. that all I wanted was to feel like somebody cared if I lived or die. They all apologized and told me that they had incorrectly assumed that I needed space.. yet since then there has still been no word from them.
I am alone.
I am scared.
I am losing my mind.
And I give up.
@52Hertz0 I don't completely understand, and I'm not very qualified to give a good answer to this, but please, please, know that there is always someone there to listen. If you are having suicidal thoughts, please contact the crisis sources. It's hard to reach out to people, and I can only imagine the courage it took to post this, but talking with someone trained to deal with the situation you are going through can help, even if it's a little. And a little can go a long way. You don't have to go through this alone. Please don't go through this alone.
@blargy238 I just don't know what anyone can really do to help. I feel like a suicide hotline will just tell me all the cliche things.. "you have people who care", "it gets better" etc. At the same time though, I don't know what they could possibly say that would help, so I suppose I can't blame them for trying.
I feel like I have two people in the world who I feel that I can spend time with, because at least they somewhat understand. But other than that, I'm not close with my family.. My sports team was my family. They became my core.. my foundation.. and now they couldn't care less if I ever played again.
I feel as though I have lost everything. I've lost the ability to sleep, I've lost my memory, I've lost my family, I've lost my friends, I've lost my self worth, I've lost my happiness.. I've lost my freaking sanity. I've dealt with depression before in the past, so when this all happened I was unconcerned.. Depression was a beast that I was all too familiar with, and so i knew that it would soon pass. Then things started going downhill - fast, and I knew that this was a different beast entirely. I'm told that it's PTSD.. and I am terrified of what that means. I spend 90% of the time in a numb haze, or dissociating.. the other 10% is spent between crushing sadness and blind rage. I feel like depression was a cute little bugger in comparison to this. I feel like, if I don't die, this will end up ruining my life.
Case in point.. I shattered my hand this weekend. I just couldn't handle the rage that I felt. I clenched my teeth so hard that I thought they would break.. I ripped at my hair.. and finally, I punched a concrete wall - over and over and over again. I knew that it hurt, and I felt my bones breaking, but I just couldn't stop myself. When my friend jumped on me to make me stop, I started punching the floor because I needed the feeling to continue.
I feel as though I'm losing my mind.
@52Hertz0
Hi there. I just wanted you to know that I hear your pain. You are not alone. You may not see this at this time, and I can relate to that too, but you have within you all the resources to get better. Reaching out for help - as you did by writing here - is the very first step and I am proud of you.
Please have a look at this page if you are considering suicide: https://help.7cups.com/hc/en-us/articles/360026238093-Crisis. Crisis hotlines do help. If you find yourself in immediate danger or with increasing suicidal thoughts, please reach out for help.
As for selfharm, you may have noticed that there is a subcommunity here and you are very welcome to join us. It would be nice to see you around! https://www.7cups.com/home/selfharm/?rid=234586175
Finally, I want to remember you that 7cups offers a service of therapy online, which you may benefit from. I will try to make a referral for that too.
I am here for you. Take care and be gentle with yourself.
@52Hertz0
Hi there, just thought I would check up on you and see how you are doing...
@52Hertz0 I agree with you—what's been happening sounds much worse then depression. If it's PTSD, that means it can be treated successfully. There are a couple of very good treatments. A doctor will know what to do to get this treated.
I also agree with you that hearing clichés from a hotline is useless when you have a serious medical condition like this.
If you'd like to chat to me about the situation, feel free to click on my profile image and message me. I'm not an expert, so I can't give you medical advice, but I don't do clichés either.
Charlie
@RarelyCharlie
I have to disagree about crisis hotlines. My experience was positive, no clichées as 'life is beautiful'. I did talk with a professional, so that may have made the difference.
@52Hertz0 Hey - You made a first great step reaching out here. I know you feel so alone and abandoned by everyone. It doesn't seem fair that with what you went through - you feel abandoned by your friends as well. Unfortunately - I've found that it happens because they don't know what to say or do. It may make them uncomfortable. It doesn't mean it's right and it certainly isn't helpful to you.
I can understand you're feeling scared and alone. And it does feel like you're losing your mind. At least it does for me. But please don't give up - you found your way here. There are alot of people who have been through similar things - you are not alone here. We're all here to listen and help.
Please try to be gentle with yourself and your thoughts. It can get better - you don't have to go through this alone.
So this might be jumbled..
@mytwistedsoul, thank you to you and everyone else who reached out. I read all of your replies, I just couldn't bring myself to reply. I tend to withdraw after being vulnerable.. I either feeling stupid for saying anything in the first place, or the act of replying just feels like too much, so I avoid for a few days
I feel like I was doing so much better a couple months ago. I did something out of character and went out of my comfort zone (I travelled to the US for a tournament with girls from another team.. girls that I only casually know). I don't usually like to be alone, but I did it. Not only did I go alone, but I thrived. I made new friends, I was "adopted" by teams from all over the US and Canada. I was on such a high. But now, even my counsellor has said that she feels that I have taken a bit of a nosedive since.
Its been a year of taking two different medications, and weekly/twice weekly talk therapy appoinments and EMDR. I am now trying a new schedule of alternating between talk therapy and neurofeedback. I'm also seeing my doctor in 2 weeks to talk about switching my meds, since I feel like they have made me feel dead inside. If this doesn't work, I don't know what to do anymore
I'm not sure if its worth mentioning, but this weekend is the one year anniversary of my assault. I'll be attending the very same tournament where it occurred... If I can bring myself to leave my bed. I haven't decided.. It doesn't feel real.
@52Hertz0
I hear you. It makes sense to me that with the anniversary of your assault approaching, you went on this nosedive as your therapist says. However, there may be an important message between the lines when you describe how you felt a couple of months ago. You say you did something out of character, and you thrived. This may be your path towards healing…
You don't have to reply if you don't feel like doing it. We all understand. This is your space and you are free to use it as you want : )
@52Hertz0 Hey No worries. Don't ever feel as though you have to reply. As a few others said, this is your space. You don't have to reply and you don't need to justify it.
The anniversary is a big thing - unfortunately it does have a way of stirring things back up. Plus with attending the same place where it happened in the first place. There's bound to be a lot of overwhelming emotions. I know you said that it's been a year - chances are there are times when it feels so much longer. Try to be patient with yourself. There is no time limits to healing. It isn't something you just get over.
@52Hertz0
Everything I read was the opposite of not caring. You do care. Desperatly. If you didn't you would not post this here with some hope of finding a solution.
Reality is you don't understand your mind, you're right. But others can. I will sound cliche but this is 100% true: a psychatrist would do wonders. Would understand the layers of reasons why you're feeling that way, give you tools to understand yourself and change.
@52Hertz0 I'm here for you dear. I've had a somewhat similar experience. You are never, ever as alone as you feel. If you want to message me I would love to talk to you and hopefully help you feel a little better, at least for a little while