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Abracadabra9090
3,262 M Seeking Light
PathStep 8 Compassion hearts43 Forum posts32 Forum upvotes33 Current upvotes33 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2020 Member sinceAugust 14, 2019
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My Hopefully Hopeful Journey
Journals & Diaries / by Abracadabra9090
Last post
 April 3rd, 2020
...See more Tomorrow I'll go to a psychiatrist. Hopefully I got thoroughly examined this time and get accurate diagnosis. I'm scared though because I'm positive that I have BPD (I had diagnosed with it eight years ago but we ignored it), but what if the doctor said no, again. It's been two months since my last visit where I didn't feel heard and most probable misdiagnosed. He didn't conduct any test and decided from a very poorly informed interview where he only pushes his own narrative on me, that I don't have BPD, just a very nervous personality. He gave me anti-anxiety that didn't work, and I don't want to go back because he suggest me to get rid of my mom. So it's been three months since me and my husband figure that my symptoms are that of BPD's, and two months since I've been misdiagnosed (supposedly, because I don't find his method credible) and felt really miserable after, and forever since I've been dealing with mental health problems and I see no improvement. So now I'm in a really bad and unstable condition and I'm really worried to be misdiagnosed again and losing my hope. I already have suicidal ideation which makes it's really hard to have the motivation to continue living. Sometimes I don't know what I'm fighting for, why I have to keep on living. For the people who love me? Though all I caused them is trouble and pain? I'm writing here because I want a journal that makes me feel I'm not alone in this battle. (And because my notes is as messy as my life, I would've lost my journal) I don't want to hide anymore so I've told my support system that I'm dealing with an illness, I'm going to undergo treatment, and I would need their support. I'm blessed that I'm surrounded by people with big hearts. Therefore I'm hopeful. So I think just because it is dark where I am right now, I should not disregard all the blessings I've got and lose hope. I want to believe that I could get better. I want to keep positive mindset during my process to get better, and keep reminding myself. So I'm planning to write any tips, learned skill (to cope), and anything, not only positive thoughts, but also worries, fears, in a hope that I could face them better if I organized them into words. I hope it is true what people are saying to me, that it is worthwhile to be alive. My biggest concerns are (1) harming my husband and self-harm (self-destructive behaviors); (2) my inability to focus on life goals and be productive (escapism); (3) my non-existent willpower to keep on living. I'm hoping to resolve those but time is ticking. I'll sign in again when I figured out what to write. For now this is it, I'm dropping a hint of hope.
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How to talk some sense to her without hurting her
Relationship Stress / by Abracadabra9090
Last post
 August 21st, 2019
...See more I have best friend who lost friends as fast as she gains them. Shes so friendly and lovable. Shes also very genuine about her feelings and compassion for others and I value that highly. However, when you get to know her further, shes somehow hard to deal with. She couldnt control her emotion in almost every situation, so she often makes people uncomfortable. She doesnt hesitate to pick fight with everyone she thinks is wrong, again without considering the situation. Her actions often make people puzzled. Everywhere she goes there will be drama. Despite her age shes not mature, she doesnt have the confidence to do her own things on her own. Because of this shell ask others for help even though she could do it by herself. Whenever she feel upset she will ask people to accompany her (stay at her place) and if they have to reject her because they have their own priority, she shows her disappointment blatantly. I mean, theyre sorry enough to turn her down, should her make them feel even more guilty? (I learned to coldly turned her requests down and made sure that my time alone is everything for me lol so I dont get this dilemma my other friends are having). Many times we found ourselves having trouble on how to talk to her because we don't want to make her upset (I guess this is normal in friendship but with her it's a different level, I could elaborate if needed). Shes been hurt a lot by people turning their back on her. Its not rare to hear people grow tired of her. Ive told her many times that not all people are ready for our shts so we need to respect their boundaries. But she doesnt seems to get it. It keeps happening, people grow tired of her, and shell be hurt. I love her, I dont want her to get hurt or get hated by her own actions. But then heres the dealbreaker, shes notorious for being a blabbermouth. I thought she learned her lesson when her crush got really angry at her. But she didnt. Recently I found out that she tells others about my mental issue which Ive been trying so hard to keep from others. I dont want to give up on her. Shes just too clueless. And I dont trust anybody to bear with her as much as I do. I do hope she finds someone whom she could talk with, who accepts all her antiques, who let her be whatever she is(?), but until that person come I dont think anyone could be as frank as I do with her while still giving her love that she deserves. But this time, because Im angry too, Im afraid shell get defensive and Ill dont know what to do with her anymore. Whenever Im tired and dont have the capacity to deal with her (I need to take care of myself too), Ill just distance myself from her for awhile. And then I thought she got better, but no, these things keep happening and Ill have to deal with seeing her sad because of herself, because she doesnt want to hear her friends. No matter how much her friends try to talk to her, theres only so much we could do, right? I wonder why she doesnt get it. I wonder how to talk to her. I wonder will she ever meet someone whose opinion finally manages to get into her head. I wonder if I, as her friend, will just have to bear with this role seeing her destroying her own world. What do you think I should do?
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Hi!
Newbie Hub / by Abracadabra9090
Last post
 August 14th, 2019
...See more Hello! I'm actually a returning user but I didn't like how I was being so vulnerable and was clueless about most features in this site, so I'm thinking to start anew. Not that anyone would notice but I'm doing this for myself...so I hope that is okay..! I'm getting better in real life. Still don't know what the future holds, but I think I'm still going to need everyone's insights and support to get through life since I only know so little. I have people with issues around me whole my life, including myself, but I lived in a country where we have no clue on how to deal with it, so people are in pain. A lot of my friends and my family members are in pain and I want to know how we could support each other, how I could support them. I have my own limit, so for that I would definitely need help from all of you^^ Thank you for letting me to be here, and may everyone have a great day.
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