My Hopefully Hopeful Journey

@Abracadabra9090

Hello! I hope the meeting goes well. Feeling like you have been misdiagnosed can be really frustrating, especially when you werent given chance to open up about yourself completely. Its really great that you are giving it a second chance. I hope you will be able to feel better and you have already taken a step in the recovery journey! Would love to hear how everything is going.

Also, I hope you dont mind me responding. Take care!

The meeting yesterday went well. I'm glad that the psychiatrist was very responsive. I didn't remember what kind of examination I had eight years ago back in my home country, but in Japan (where I live now), it seems like there's no written or controlled test to determine an illness. But I didn't hate his method of ruling out possible illness to reach conclusion. Bipolar and depression were ruled out (also the nervous personality one), and in the end we're going for treatment for BPD since I do show obvious symptoms of BPD.

My husband and I were worried that I'll be misdiagnosed because I don't drink, don't have access to drugs (so no substance abuse symptom), and won't go as far as dying for certain reasons. There are many cases of being misdiagnosed for not being in a severe enough condition and we don't want that. It's like driving people to the edge before lending them a hand.

Since I'm currently unemployed, I'm also not in a situation where I have to suppress my symptoms to perform, so the psychiatrist didn't recommend getting medication since it won't help me to focus anyway. I need to get there myself, face my fears rather than avoiding it. I do will react like a broken volume toggle. Therefore, I need to develop skills to cope, so he highly recommend therapy. The price is intimidating, but we'll find ways..

So, how do I feel right now? It's kind of a mixed of feelings actually. I am relieved that it seems like I was just overwhelmed because my mind space, my 'house' is just so messy that I don't know how to clean it up and organize. Because it is so messy I couldn't see the future of it, I couldn't even get out and get some fresh air.

On the other hand, I feel embarrassed for whining and exaggerating. I don't even have to take medication. I have a wonderful husband, supporting friends and family, a healthy body, yet I was acting like it's the end of the world. No wonder people think I'm so shameful for thinking that my life is hard.

But, hold on. If I have BPD, then it is a fact that I react extra. It happens not because I'm dramatic (although there is a possibility that it is my intrinsic personality trait), or want to be tragic, that's just how I feel and react. I remember that I react this way too with physical illness. Once, I thought I was having a stomach cancer and I'm going to leave the world, I lied down and cried in front of my husband, giving him my last words when ultimately, it was just a 'light' health problem (the doctor emphasize this several times, perhaps because I look dead) that doesn't even worth mentioning.

It's embarrassing, yes. But I should not hurt myself for feeling that way.

Perhaps because I only live within myself that I couldn't see. While my mom, who watch for me closesy since I was born and having all those crazy episodes, said, "it is not easy to be you." Why? Because I'm stressed out and could not handle it? But perhaps, when I'm stressed out, my body reacts ten times the stress of a healthy person. When I'm scared, I'm paranoid. When I think, I overthink to the abyss. When I feel, either it feels like my heart is going to explode or crushed. When I'm angry, I transformed into a monster.

It is frustrating to not be able to control. It is like I'm operating a giant robot but the control is broken and it destroys everything it walks past.

So maybe yes, it is embarrassing to tell everybody, "hey I'm sick I'm going to d i e!" when I just have to clean up my house. But everything that I felt were true to me. If it is just a feeling, it might still be okay. But I feel and then I act. I hurt myself, I lose motivation to live, I neglect my present and jeopardize my future.

The good news is, yes I just need to clean my house. It is that simple. It is doable. But yes, my house is so messy that help would be necessary. For some people (with severe health-affecting symptoms), the house itself might have worned-out, so they need more help to stop themselves destroying their house even further and help them to build it back.

Lately this issue has been very noticeable: Self-Sabotage.

I think it's a really huge part of my problems and I want to work on it as soon as I found therapist.

Before I get into it, I want to throw away any uncomfortable feelings I have regarding this topic. So I have a dear friend who often have problems with relationship. She's so sweet but could be so extreme, very easily misunderstood. People talking behind her back is not a rare sight. I dislike those people. Once, a very respected person from our expat community said this about her, "she's throwing away opportunities." When I heard that from my other friend, I realized that she's like me, we're self-sabotaging. Perhaps because we only could afford swimming in a pond that is warm and comfortable for us, because otherwise change will makes us very anxious. We're scared, terrified, of uncertainty. Or at least I am. I know I have to face it at some point, but I'm scared of my reaction. (I'm reading a—business—book about facing Uncertainty. I don't like business book aiming for those who is crazed by success, but I hope it'll help).

What makes me uncomfortable is to see people's reactions to us. "Oh, so for 'healthy' people (despite they're really healthy or not because this is just in my mind, and I'm aware it was not about me. But still..) people like me is foolish because we're throwing away opportunities." Ha. Fair enough. But when they say it without any ounce of empathy or consideration for our condition, it bothers me. If she has that idea and really care about my friend, she will talk with her, not saying it to other people for them to judge her. People are not hardwired to be wise, I guess.

I will write about how I self-sabotage myself (and how it's often unnoticeable) to map it out so I could bring it up consicely when talking to therapist. Ugh this will be long, I wonder if I could finish it. And I'm procrastinating, but I need to do this before I change my attention to something else.

My therapist gives me a lot of homework. We are using IFS (Internal Family System) approach and I found it easy to do. I mean, the concept is easy. Then she asked if it is okay with me and I said yes. Ive been analyzing myself for years and I like it, I didnt get her concern.

Last night, after another breakdown, my husband asked me whether I would like to do the homework together. I told him Ill try to do it by myself today and talk with him after he came home. I was still wondering, why were they worry?

And now Im in distress. Ha.

In my IFS, Ive told my Managers that Ill need to do this so she has to let the Exiles in for interview. Ive asked my Firefighters to stay calm and practice few skills weve learned together recently from the Dialectical Behavior Therapy workbook (still, they have been giving me headaches. My Firefighters really need drill training). And the Exiles are surrounding the city. Theyre all hold their own grudges and problems. Its quite intimidating to be honest, I found myself avoiding them many times.

But today I have to (I played a lot and made myself happy all weekends). And since I open my eyes this morning, my Firefighters have been in panick state. I kept thinking, maybe if I keep sleeping like this I will never wake up again just as I wish, or, I want to *ugh its too graphic I couldnt say* Since last night Ive lost my will to live again. I made my husband cry, poor him. I guess my favorite word to the people who loved me whenever Im sad literally mean what it says, let me go.

Right now I couldnt contact anyone since all my friends and family members are at work. And I couldnt call my mom because one of the Exiles lining up for interview today has something against her. Im scared, I want to cry (thankfully I did though, finally water is running again in Firefighters HQ). I guess this is why my therapist and husband worry about whether I could do this on my own.

I wish I could postpone doing this until my husband come home but theres so much work, the Exiles are too many, and Im running out of time.

Im writing here to buy myself some time to gather courage. Ugh I couldnt believe that we use our time to do this, just to battle illness to be alive. I dont even want to be alive in this pile of sht full of human. What am I doing, really?

Please tell me that this will worth it. Please tell me that something good is waiting for me.

I've done my IFS homework. They're ready to be discussed with my husband and brought up to my Therapist next Saturday.

I was planning to read books today, and do something-that-I-should-keep-secret-from-myself tomorrow (or else she will sabotage it again).

But first I think I need to write thoughts that have been circulating in my head since I start doing this homework. It's about my family.

While reading Chapter 2 of the DBT workbook, I came accross question about my safe place. I immediately thought, "my family!" But I couldn't write it down.

Last Monday, when I was so in ditraught from doing my homework, I could finally call my sister. I told her my problems, I told her I need some companion while facing my homework. But she starts to talk about herself and her problems, again. I'm so disappointed and desperate because last month when she had a lot of emotions I've told her, "both of us aren't healthy right now, I don't think we should rely on each other." It broke my heart saying that but it's true, you couldn't help others when you're not strong enough yourself. She understood though. And funny thing is both of us entrusted each other to mom hahaha. But here we are, flooding each other again.

I also asked for help that they agree with but not doing. They just keep telling me all these annoying stories that happened back in my home country, which is the very reason why I have to deal with this illness.

From Monday to today, my sister has been fueling my Exiles. I don't know about mom because I kind of avoding her because well, apparently the Exiles now is still in the city, and I'm doing my best to keep the situation calm. So yeah, as much as I had decided that I don't want to throw away my family and want to keep on loving them, they're not my safe place.

I know that my big family have a group without me in it.

Logically I would think, "well it's because I don't use WhatsApp", or, "maybe they just want to protect me from some aunts and uncles that could be toxic to me." But what about my cousins? From my mom and my sister's stories, the group is pretty active, there are many news that I don't get. Don't they realize I wasn't there? Don't they think I need to know when I got a nephew, when my grandfather is sick? Don't they want to share funny stories with me too?

I know if I confronted this with mom she'll just simply ask, "oh so you want to be in the group?" And I'll say, "nah." But what about my cousins, really. I'm the only cousin living abroad, I'm the only one who is absence during holidays and family gatherings. Why don't they miss me. I contact them when I miss them, but they rarely contact me first. Maybe because I'm not in the group. Maybe go to another chat provider and say hi to me needs too much effort. Wow.

I don't want to go back.

And I don't understand why I should feel guilty for throwing away my family when they're the one who did it first.

They're the one who nonchalantly ignored my desperate screams from inside the cupboard. I don't understand why I have to take them back. Because I don't want to disappoint mom? Okay, but what about me?

Maybe the psychiatrist was right, I went abroad, it's a good riddance of my mom. But not (only) my mom, my family.

Getting to know more about the IFS.

Apparently, in the previous post about my family, the Firefighters was at work. So it's like this:

Exile: "I feel abandoned by my family."

Firefighters: "Eh. Let's just throw them away!"

So I'm not saying that it is wrong that I feel that way neither it is wrong for the Firefighters to take that decision. But it seems like better decision could've been made.

Let's say I do hate my extended family, and in order to not make it bigger problem, my Managers learned acting. I act to love them, to care about them, to laugh in front of them. No big deal. But I think I mistook it as, "oh, I forgave my family." When, maybe it is okay not to forgive? The Exile is exist, I don't want to pretend that she's not there (anymore).

I don't think my family will have the capacity, ever, to understand what I'm going through because of them. I don't think we could be close to understanding. So, my better system would be:

Manager: I don't want to make a scene. We could just treat them casually, keep doing what we're doing. Since it works without hurting anyone anyway.

Exile: They hurted me, and I acknowledge it. I could never be at peace with them, it is okay.

This way, I could make peace with my Exile and the pain she brings with her, without having to call my Firefighter: hate on or abandon my family. As throwing my family away will call another Exile (I don't want to disappoint my parents).

What I like about the IFS is: Separating them into parts like this, and the 'Self' as the leader, I feel I'm in charge of all the emotions and reaction within me. This is quite the easy part though, so finger crossed with all my other Exiles. But I'm so blessed that I got a therapist whom I can trust. I hope I could work things out with her.

Not sure if these days are good days. I'm scared of good days, scared that I'll jinx it if I say and it will not last long. Or scared that it will never come back. So I'll say these days are the days when my thoughts are not trying to kill me, hahahah.

And I need to record what I'm thinking and feeling during these days, or else I'll forget them and back to square one.

My last counseling session was pretty hard. I was attacked hard by my exiles, and as usual, my firefighters were in chaotic mode. It tries its best recalling every learned skills, I know, I should appreciate. The damage that the exiles caused was just too big.

Today my therapist email me. She made it clear that there is two big parts that we need to work with:

1. Parts that are pushing me to be succesful because that's the only way it knows to feel worthy and validated.

2. Parts that are yearning for validation/compassion for everything that we've been through.

The one that wants me dead is the first parts (it is a group, by the way). And the second one says, "can we start trying to work together if I get what I need?"

It wasn't healthy how I got my peace. My firefighter was calling friends to cut them away and asking forgiveness. Then a friend offered to visit me and listened to my stories with full compassion and understanding. I didn't expect it at all because (1) I don't have many friends (by choice); (2) If I do, I don't share; (3) If I share, only to friends who also have mental issues and unfortunately, could be less empathetical when I need them to.

So that's how the second parts of my IFS got its peace. For now. Finger crossed. And now after talking with my friend and my sister the next day, I'm in the middle of organizing my thoughts to, hopefully, finally accept my life.

After talking to them I got validation that yes, everything that happened until now, everything that caused me to be like this happened because, unfortunately, there's no way out of it. I was born with a condition, that's our first and fixed cue. I calculated every scenarios possible with different parameters to get out of this situation. Everything, such as, what if I were born in different country but same family system, what if in different country with different family system. I ruled out being born in a chaotic country because there's no way I would survive, and I didn't include life choices, because I realized that it's not the problem. The initial parameters does matter.

Each simulations resulted the same, there's no butterfly effect. The whole world is hurting anyway, the only chance I might have is if I change almost all parameters about my family. But asian countries still sucks because either it's chaotic, or have a very judgmental society. Best chance of surviving if I were born within a completely different family in the happiest country. Huh, then that wouldn't be me?? lol this whole simulation is so ridiculously hilarious, so does its result. But it's good to have something to laugh at, no? My life is just destined to be sucks. Funny because I was born with everything one would need to survive life. But no, it doesn't work because I'm part of the equation.

So what do we do now?

1. Try to Accept The Past and Appreciate Myself

First of all I want to appreciate myself who initially is very rebellious, for being selfless, sacrificing myself in order to not make my mom sad. There's no history of violence in my house, I just have it in me. When I was a kid I had temper tantrum where I couldn't stop myself from hitting her. I am really sorry but I couldn't control it, let alone managing my emotion. The experience itself still very traumatizing for me. Her scared, sad, and disappointed face will always haunt me. I was just a little girl, born from her own womb, but I brought horror to her life. So I was never able to bring myself to consciously do something that will disappoint her despite she was giving me no room to move at all, not until I bleed and broken. My therapist said I have to learn to see things with different lenses. So I'm okay if no one would agree with me. Most of the people perhaps will have different opinion, perhaps they will say, "it's on you if you couldn't stand for yourself. Be strong, if you have to rebel, you should've been able to do it," just like I used to say to myself. But this time I will say this instead: you were strong and selfless for protecting the happiness of someone you love. To the point of stupidity, yes, that's true too. But regardless, I have something worthy of validation too.

2. Determine Good Environment for Me to Grow/to Be Myself by Myself: Be In Control of My Life

Next, I would like to address about my sheltered thinking. When I called lifeline last Friday, the operator said, "you always play by the rule." Oh yes, this isn't new to me. But remember Dear, 'Try Doing It Differently'. Those rules are not healthy for you. (1) When my friend came Friday night and listened to my story, I couldn't comprehend her understanding for my situation. It was so hard for me to accept that now my life is sucks, but she was like, "how sucks. Must be hard on you.." (2) Likewise with my friend back at home country, I was terrified to tell her things, only for her to accept it without confrontation. While I keep torturing myself for living my life the way I am. (3) Another friend asked me when I told her all I want is forgiveness for living like this (for me, it meas as a failure, because that's what I learned from living with my family and influenced much by social judgment), and she said, "to whom?" (4) And last Sunday I met friends, just casually talking about how they overcome life struggles and they understood very well when I said that I'm not that tough because my family provide everything for me and not letting me do things on my own.

Why does it seems like everyone already knows that life could be in any shape? Why am I the only one who thinks that my life is unacceptable, therefore I'm not worthy and will be hated by the society? I was a frog in the well. I didn't know how other people live their life. I didn't know that it is okay to be messy and to make mistakes. I thought if I don't live the way my family suggests me to, if I stray away from the path that mom agrees as 'the right one' and make a mess, I'm embarassing, a failure, a loser, my life is over, and that's how it's going to be for the rest of time. While in reality, it seems like everybody just make mistakes, or shit happened, and they keep living and growing. Sometimes life could be sucks, sometimes I sucks, but so what. Why am I not allowed to? I am not less of a human just because I have my own path with all its defects and dirts.

Not gonna lie, I still not hope too much from the society, but in what kind of world do I want to live in? There are still many people who are open-minded and big enough to understand that life is not about perfection, and that it is okay to make mistakes and keep growing. Or maybe, just to be strong during hardships is enough. Heck even my family members' life aren't perfect, funny how they judge how others live their life. I should stop caring about those kind of people because I don't know, maybe, they're hard to others because they're hard to themselves. And I know very well that it is actually pathetic.

So I choose what kind of criticism is helpful for me. The rest shouldn't matter. Let others live, and let myself live.

There are too much things happened this week so I'm quite overwhelmed to keep track of everything. I'll write again if I remember anything. I hope even in my worse days, I could come back here and remind myself that now my life is completely mine.

3. Time to Stop Pity-Party, I'm Not The Only One Suffering

I don't know much about others or how they live their life. I don't even know much about my friends' life because I used to avoid talking about it (since it will make them want to know about me too and I didn't think anyone could accept how dark I actually am). After I feel heard last Friday, I tried to hear more and I feel my eyes just opened a bit. It felt like I was drowning in my own pond of sufferings, unable to see anything other than what surrounds me, afraid with all the uncertainty about my future. And then my friend helped me rise above the surface then I could see, that even she has her own pond, and everyone elses too.

I'm not the only one who is worrying about the future. I'm not the only one who thinks that the future looks bleak. If I want to bring up about my age, there are so many people older than me who is facing uncertainty. Some might be built to be able to endure it, some might even loving the challenge of being on the edge, but some might be scared like me too. Despite all that, they're all keep living. Because that's what we, unfortunately, have to do for this time being.

I used to hate when I said that life feels tiring, someone will say that it's tiring and hard for everyone. All I wanted was acceptance and understanding, when I didn't get that, I was just too angry to even question myself whether it was true what they're saying. Then my friend came and when I told her that I'm so tired, she didn't say the "I'm tired too", instead she just hugged me and said, "it's tiring isn't it? It's okay. You did well. You worked hard."

And I realized how much I yearned for that words. That's all I want.

Perhaps it does help that she's my childhood friend, so she could understand more in what kind of environment I was growing up. Therefore validation from her came much stronger because we could relate to each other. We have different personalities, but also very different family mechanism, so it's also reinforce the idea that though what we've been through might be similar, family background and my own personality indeed took part to the development of my illness. And seeing her, also still growing and facing all her own insecurities and problems, I finally be able to really think, "it's okay, I can do it too." Because she shows me that it is okay to grow up, that we're all just figuring out how to live. It's okay to feel clueless and figuring out about things, we don't have to know it all and be perfect.

It's okay to live with all our imperfections, and life's imperfections.

Just talked with my therapist today.

She was really surprised and appreciated all the good changes in me! Which is very much appreciated but at the same time, of course, I'm really scared what will be waiting for me ahead. I never know a life without this illness, so...if I got better, then that's it? I become normal and that's it? It will be over? It feels so weird.

I don't know I'm scared. It feels like this couldn't be possibly the end. I'm only one and a half month(?) since I started therapy, it's not possible if I just magically got better. Too good to be true. But really, don't anyone feel that it's terrifying (but at the same time exciting) the thoughts of living without what's been haunting us since childhood?

Last night I read a blog of a BPD sufferer. Three years ago she said she had graduated from her DBT treatment. She was like me, looks quite hopeful, learned a lot, and getting happier. But then slowly regressing and...I don't read all of her posts but now, three years later, she's not getting better. I don't know what's wrong and I'm too scared to find out. Perhaps I should talk about this with my therapist.

Well, my last exiles are pretty crazy so I think we still have a lot of work to do with it. Ugh that one.

I mean, some exiles make me want to protect them because they're hurting and sad, but how can I show as much compassion to those who keep being angry at me and want me dead??

Okay whatever. Now I think I want to sort out all the noisy sounds I have in my head right now. Let's put those crazy exiles at the back of the line because I'll have a lot of work with it this week as I had made it my homework. Be cooperative, you crazy shits!

(sorry, sometimes this is the way to handle them. You know, with the innocent, helpless, small and sad ones you feel the urge to protect, but with the intimidating and offensive ones, don't you want to appear brave and tougher? Although if I say it like this they will figure out my strategy so I shouldn't have. I guess)

Doubt: About accepting my past.

To be honest I also surprised myself. It's really like, "that's it???" But well, maybe it has been ruminated inside me for some while. From the DBT Skills Workbook, the parts about Living In The Present really resonates within me. I really had worried too much about the future (which I still am, if I could be honest, but I'll practice), and regret too much about the past. I'm forgetting myself now who could still be who I want to be, or who I thought I was, in the past. So I've been wanting to just forgive or accept and start over. But I didn't know how. Since the beginning of 2018, actually, after I graduated master program. Because I went to graduate school to be free (I was on scholarship. Just saying this to validate myself that no Dear, you weren't using your privilege. You earned it), but even after I graduated I didn't feel sure that I own my life.

And turned out it was all wrong anyway. What I have to forgive and accept weren't my life choices (though to be fair I wasn't the one who decide. Ugh, stop it! It happened), but myself, and everything she has gone through.

Last Friday I also reached out to a BPD subgroup at red**t. Just desperate measures, asking how others could be kind to themselves. I wrote in the end that I was sorry (because I couldn't not to) for ruining the day of anyone who read my post. And the reply came like this,

"you don't have to worry about ruining anyone's day because we already doing it to ourselves the moment we wake up this morning." And I was like, "Ha!" Yes, we did! He/she also said some other words that sounds to me like, "it's okay, we're just the way we are."

So yeah, it didn't happen in one week. I've been searching ways to accept my reality. And come on, it's tough. I've been practically pour all my time and energy to reach this conclusion. Well, because I have nothing else going on in my life. But anyway, that's a load of work. So it's okay, it has solid base this time (I hope).

Worries: I don't want to think that 'pushing myself to the edge' works, because I don't want to self-sabotage anymore.

Desperate times call for desperate measures. My condition is better now because I tried to cut my friends away. I was only lucky to have my childhood friend. What if I didn't? What if I successfully cut my friends away and losing my support system? Isn't this kind of impulsivity which starts the problems of people with BPD at the first place?

I really don't want to let my system believe that this is the way to get what we want or need.

Worries: In the past I've showed progress and also yielded positive thoughts, but I didn't turn into action. Why would now be any different?

I couldn't describe much about this because I haven't took a dive into it. I haven't talk about it with my therapist too. Maybe I should.

My assumption is that in the past, I didn't even know I'm dealing with BPD. I was treating myself as if I'm a mentally healthy person, and perhaps, push myself accordingly. So I'm wondering if I was still too hard on myself, or wasn't doing the right approach for me with all my specific needs? Now that we're exploring IFS, I wonder if there's a hope the outcome will be different?

Ugh! Finger crossed. I don't know, I'm scared. And I don't want to pretend that I'm not. I'll practice some skills today, or maybe sleeping helps. Don't want to sleep though.

TO WORK ON/TO DISCUSS:

- I don't believe in myself, everything that comes from it (maybe it'll get better as I talk with my therapist and getting validation or allowed to be myself and have my own opinion or conclusion?)

- Unburdening my crazy exiles (this will be a lot of work!!)

WHAT I'M WORKING ON:

- Building routines (I used to think that living with routines are boring. But apparently stability seems to be really important for everyone people with BPD, so recently I'm building some daily habits. My life was such a mess because I'm not used to do everything by myself, and soon after I learned to, before I had time to adjust myself with that new lifestyle, I (was forced to) got married! Well, 'forced' sounds bad. We did plan to get married, but not as fast as my family wished it to be. So yea, perhaps all of that contributes to how I don't feel I'm in control of my life.)

I've just realized that I gaslit my husband a lot..

I'm glad I found someone so strong. He could differentiate context well. Lately (after figuring out my problem), he will just say, "you don't have to worry about me. I know you, I know your illness. You just need to focus on your recovery and that will be enough for me." Even I couldn't differentiate which is me and which is my disorder.

He knows how much I'm in pain. He knows I will only hurt myself if I hurt him or if I think I'm hurting him. I really wish I don't. And now that I realized, I hope I could step back and think before saying unecessary things. REST.