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AdrenalizedChaos
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PathStep 1 Compassion hearts8 Forum posts6 Forum upvotes11 Current upvotes11 Age GroupAdult Last activeMay, 2022 Member sinceJune 3, 2020
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Co-parenting with a narcissist
Anxiety Support / by AdrenalizedChaos
Last post
 May 27th, 2022
...See more I'm not sure if I'll get any sort of help but it's worth a shot... My significant other and I have been together for a few years now. He has a 7 year old from a previous very short and what he describes as toxic relationship. And he's having trouble co-parenting with the mother of his child. She's pretty much what I'd describe as a narcissist. Nothing he's ever done has been "enough", she's constantly yelling regardless of where they might be or who might be around (their child included), she is constantly threatening to take him to court for full custody. She has been so verbally, emotionally and even psychically abusive towards him. She's super manipulative and will pretend to be nice one day and then throw her niceness in your face the next. He's been so worn down, he's tried everything, begged her to go to counseling with him, tried to do everything she asked and wanted to a T. She even wore him down to the point he dumped his whole life and tried to make things work in a relationship with her as a desperate effort to have some sort of peace in his life and be able to be with his son. That lasted like three days... He gets so torn down by her. He's been struggling with depression and anxiety to an extreme the last few years and he's made some great progress but he has days where he's so defeated, he just looks at me hopeless and teary eyed and says "I hate that this is my life..." Court won't do anything because she's the mother and legally has a clean record. She refuses therapy or anything of the sorts with him or alone. I've tried to be the buffer which only lead to her abusing me and him. Neither of us know how to navigate this anymore... Even if it's just meeting someone to drop off their child it can blow up into this huge thing where cops are called because some woman's screaming at a guy in a parking lot... It's starting to seem hopeless and I know it's not necessarily "my place" and I don't want to step on anyone's toes but maybe someone has a suggestion on how to handle this. :/
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Maybe I'm naive...
Anxiety Support / by AdrenalizedChaos
Last post
 December 14th, 2021
...See more Hello... This is long so buckle up... Or don't. I mostly just write my feelings to strangers on the internet as a sort of therapy; public diary if you will. I don't suspect I'll be able to fully represent "both sides" of what happened here... It's hard to shove feelings and a whole history with people or myself into a couple paragraphs for your peers to review... But here it goes anyway... I'm not feeling great, which isn't unusual for most of us, especially during the holidays... But the holidays are only the icing on the cake so to speak. I've always struggled with anxiety and depression for as long as I can recall... I've always been the type to "hide" it quite well; smiley, overly optimistic, always joking and laughing, trying my best be appear "okay". Which has gotten me this far (hello Thirty)... But this last few years it's really caught up to me, this one in particular. As with probably all of us, a slew of unpleasant things happened in my younger years. As a young adult I tried to be what I thought would make me happy by "Hallmarks" means; Married, with a house, job, and child. Though I found myself married to a wonderful person, just...not someone who wanted the same from life as me, someone who I loved more as a friend than partner. I ended up getting a divorce and moving to a larger city with more opportunities for myself. It was difficult and there are many, many layers that make me feel guilty and question if putting my child through splitting up was a good idea... Though the fact that he now has an amazing stepmom to also love him and a little sister to boot, does help... But also adds to my own insecurities as a mother.... Anyway, this isn't necessarily about that aspect of my life. It's about my most current situation; romantic love. Silly, stupid, tried-to-avoid-at-all-costs... Love. We met three almost four years ago and it was that super cheesy "feel like I've known you forever" type of thing. Something I didn't really think actually existed as I had spent far too many hours watching romantic comedies as a child. We both had our guards up from the start. Both recently out of failed marriages and kind of beaten down... Just wanting someone to occasionally laugh with and forget about life. But dang it, ya girl had to go and catch feelings... Or admit o caught them just around the time I accidentally drooled on myself mid conversation about String Theory and he looked at me and laughed saying "...I like you..." Stupid boys (okay they're not but man are feelings complicated). Neither of us grew up in households that modeled healthy relationships. He had grown a bit fast himself, and gone through a plethora of things. Neither of us were really sure how to communicate effectively or ... Really, be in a healthy relationship... So we avoided it for a long time. Calling each other friend, denying the obvious, unknowingly hurting one another through our selfish attempts at not getting "attached". Doesn't sound very healthy at this point, and it wasn't... Not to mention it was complicated by the mother of his own child (we'll call the child Sam and the mother Karen); who was still quite enamored by him and well... Hurt that he didn't feel the same. She'd bang on his door, call him repeatedly for literally hours on end, at one point she even tried to drive him off the road... Needless to say she was not and never has been fond of me... Which I kind of don't blame her, I can only imagine how much it must hurt watching someone you believe to love ... Love someone else. The gentleman I reluctantly fell in love with--we'll call him...Steve... As mentioned had his own mental health issues things that he hadn't quite dealt with like myself and it caught up to him. He was at the point of not necessarily offing himself but at least severely injuring himself to at least get a break from his labor intensive job... Some sort of down time, time to think things through. Rather than jumping off a roof in an attempt to break something, I convinced him to go to therapy... Which I always thought was a good idea up until recently... Last December he started therapy and took a leave of absence from work, filing for disability and took some time to focus on his mental health. Which was great and honestly amazing as he was always the one to "foo foo" therapy... But he went and eventually joined a daily group treatment/therapy which he loved... He learned so much and was so excited about the future for himself and life and...it was so so nice to see his face light up... He was finding his passion and rolling with it. We were great, I introduced him to my son after waiting three years...because I didn't want my son to get attached to someone who I wasn't sure was going to be in my life permanently. My son and Sam despite a two year age difference had a good time together... The group was a couple months long... Daily; Monday through Friday... He was hopeful for the first time and I was so happy to see him like that. Then he "graduated"... ... Just like that, daily group was done... Ya he had therapy but it was only once a month at best... Jolted back to "reality" which unfortunately had zero room for self improvement... He shut down. I saw it happen slowly like a giant assembly machine turning off it's functions one by one... Each time distancing himself from me more and more. I saw his eyes grow glassy with fear, anxiety, depression and eventually emptiness... I tried to nudge him... Keep him going. However, the time all this happened was also a very difficult time for myself ... The anniversary of my brothers passing, my son going back to school where his father lived and only seeing him on the weekends. I, myself, was a mess and so desperate for someone to just hold me and tell me it was going to be okay... But the person I wanted to do that didn't believe it himself... I slowly broke down and we both turned to old coping skills... Myself, drinking... Him...... Women... He found that flirting was an escape from his reality... A "friend" of his would call repeatedly (we'll call her Ashley). I questioned it but he assured me it was just a friend, a mother of one of Sam's friends. At one point Ashley sent me a message about how toxic I was for Steven and I should leave him alone...it was all a giant cluster... Cue Karen. She was probably one of the larger stressors in his life, constantly beating him down, yelling, harassing... She was verbally abusive and sometimes physically on all levels... But she saw a tear in our relationship and she went for it. Instead of talking to me, he spoke to her about our problems... She pried her way back in and eventually convinced him he didn't actually have feelings for me... He was lost and confused and looking for anything to elevate some stressor from his life so he rolled with it...while I grew more and more unstable. Eventually I got to the point I admitted myself... At this point I was fairly certain Karen had him wrapped around her finger... It didn't help that I disappeared for three days with little to no communication in the mental health unit... I got out and just like that he was gone... He was a whole other person, so cold and distant.. telling me I needed to gather the things from his apartment and just forget about him... literally hours after I got out from wanting to off myself... It was the most painful thing I've gone through... I was so angry and hurt and ... I just wanted to yell at him to snap out of it... I probably did. I don't remember... After I left his house with my bags of things I went to my own house, packed a bag and drove three hours to be with one of my closest friends... She's probably the only reason I'm around today. She didn't judge, she didn't roll her eyes and say how much of a jerk he was. She just listened and when I asked for advice she said "I think he cares...but I think he feels bad he's not able to help you and I think he's settling for someone he thinks he deserves and someone he can read." As the week passed Karen does her best to essentially erase me from his life... Demanding he block my number and everything else. She sent me degrading messages about how "she won" and I should "just go back to the loony bin."... It was rough... Though Steven still checked in on me, "you can't block a number you memorized by heart..", he was still distant and trying to make things work with Karen though he admitted it was exhausting... It lasted a week...him and Karen lasted one week before he was done with all her......"Karen-ness". Still, he was a bit distant...depressed and I myself was equally so. I should mention, after I got out Ashley attempted to befriend me saying how sorry she was that Steven did that to me... Myself, being myself and in desperate need of a friend in the area tried to befriend her as well. But it was strange... She asked a lot about myself and Steve as the weeks and month passed. She'd call him all the time and at one point asked me why Steve always answered me when he was with her, Sam and sam's friend but he'd never answer her when Steve was with me... I just got weird over the boundary clingy vibes and eventually concluded she was only being nice to me to figure out where Steve and I stood in our relationship... Couple weeks pass I find out essentially towards the end of our relationship before I admitted myself he had slept with Ashley. Thus I blocked her and distanced myself more... I did my own thing for a few months. Pulled all my focus on myself, trying to better myself before returning to work. Despite all the chaos... I missed my best friend... I always said I'm not afraid of being alone but I'm afraid of losing my best friend... Eventually Steven and I started hanging out again. Just as friends for a couple months but... You know it's difficult... Now he wants to try to make things work. He's apologized profusely for everything, stated it was just a last ditch attempt to make something in his life less stressful... Beat himself up, everything. I love him... My son loves him... I'd love so much to just throw the last few months behind me and move forward but ... Is that even possible? Am I naive? Has he just been using me to have something the last x amount of years??... Am I crazy?
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Am I doing the right thing as a parent moving?
Anxiety Support / by AdrenalizedChaos
Last post
 July 10th, 2020
...See more Hey there... I'm a divorced mother of a six year old boy. His father and I currently live in the same town and have joint custody. I've always wanted to move to a larger, more diverse community with better career opportunities... Right now it's a struggle as a single parent to scrape by and make ends meat. It's a town where everyone knows me and everyone knows your business. I quite literally feel trapped in a hole here... And my depression has eaten me up. After a year or more of contemplating I decided to do what I believe is best for me and that is to move. I recently accepted a better paying job in a town a love. However, it's 2.5 hours away and I won't be moved down there by the time the new school year starts... After a lot of thinking my ex and I both decided it was best for our son that he continue his schooling here for this year. He would get our son Monday-Friday and proposed every other weekend.. which I'm still not 100% comfortable with. Anyway...I'm just really struggling with the thought of "is this worth it?" "Am I doing the right thing?" He's literally all I have, I don't have family near by or a significant other. It's always just been the two of us and it rips me apart to think I'll have to see him less...
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Depression, parenting, and changes
Depression Support / by AdrenalizedChaos
Last post
 June 9th, 2020
...See more Hello there, I'm a mother of a silly 6 year old and have been divorced a year in October, separated over a year before that. I've always struggled with depression and anxiety but life events of the last few years have worn me down. One of the major things that lead to my divorce was just wanting different things--I live in a small town that's beautiful but it's a struggle especially now being a parent with just a single income ... I finally have the opportunity to move to a larger city about 2.5 hours away, make a bit more money and hopefully struggle a little less, and maybe feel a little more at peace. However, I struggle with the fact I'm potentially uprooting my 6 year old... My family is pretty spread out and I don't have really any in this area, but his father's whole family lives here and is often getting together and doing things on a weekly basis. We have 50/50 custody and currently the schedule we have works for us. Since I've gotten divorced I've struggled a lot with feeling as though I'm good enough as a parent... I moved out and had to start my life over with little of anything which honestly was a challenge but I've adapted. I have a hard time trying not to compare myself with my son's dad. He kept the house and found someone more suited for him, they're engaged and expecting a child, I'm excited for them, I'm stoked for my son to have a sibling (Lord knows I wasn't about to give him that lol). But it's difficult when I go over to there and they have this large house with all the pets, my son's room is custom made to fit his Minecraft obsession like every kids dream, they have weekends at the lake with Nana and Papa... Then there's me, struggling to make it in a crummy two bedroom apartment, struggling to keep up with house work while working and running after a 6 year old, struggling to cope and process my brother's recent passing. Therapy would probably do me some good but again, that cost money and that's not something I can currently afford. That's why moving could be a large opportunity for me, to be someplace I feel more comfortable, have more opportunities, make more and can live maybe just a little better. But my son's dad thinks he should remain going to school here next fall. This isn't the best school district, and the town it rather small, closed minded, and lacking diversity... His dad claims it's because there's more people nearby if something were to happen to him at school, it's less change for him to go through that he already has, which I get and is fair... And part of me feels selfish to take him away from such a... Stable environment when I myself am struggling to keep it together. I guess I'm just hoping someone has been in a similar situation and takes the time to read my long rambles and maybe shead some light on the matter for me...
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