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Need to let this out (again but on here for the 1st time) and hope I might get some words of help.
A real good friend of mine ended our friendship 2 months ago. We were like partners in crime. Our friendship to me was special, something that has happened to me once in my life. She was very accepting, open and trusting of me early and I felt we connected well. We had loads of fun.
It turned out my friend had feelings for me. She distanced herself for a few weeks and when I expressed my disappointment she revealed these feelings. During the few weeks I knew she was a dating a new guy. By the time I spoke to her they were already in a r/s and thus, she wanted to end our friendship. I tried saving it thrice. The first time, I met her in person and she said she wouldn't leave and hugged me. The second time time I meant for us to talk, for me to apologise, for us to clear things up and move forth. She changed her mind, saying it will not work. I pleaded but in the end she stood up and walked away. The third time was over text, and she said she wanted to end the friendship immediately. She blocked me on facebook, everywhere and said she would not respond to my texts. She would not even pick her things up from my place. She gave many reasons all through out - from not wanting to hurt me by distancing more to not wanting to have feelings for me anymore to being sick of me/our friendship. I don't know what to make of this.
Our friendship was not perfect, but each time it got better. She many times validated our friendship, more so than I did - writing me stuff on how important I was, her being grateful I was around. And I felt I was always there for her, always ensuring her safety, well-being, that we were doing what she liked and was comfy with. She confided in me sometimes exclusviely, many times the 1st person she went to.
All this devastates me. I feel like a part of me is missing. Like a part of my life is missing. I feel handicapped almost, and so many things and places remind me of her. I miss her like I have never missed anyone before and lately have been so absolutely tempted to text her that I miss her. Should I?
Her telling me of her feelings and what I felt after made me realise my feelings for her too... that I mostly surpressed. I put respect for her high and felt lust was wrong and while almost never rejecting her holds and touches, only returned them after she initiates. I wanted her to feel comfy and safe but she took this as me being uninterested. I did feel quite protective of her too.
My anxiety is way up, she speaks so well of her bf and new bff(?) openly, like she never did with me. The contrast of this and the private validations I don't know what to make off.
I also think so much of my mistakes, my blindness in her cues, my shortcomings as a friend and what not.
I don't know what to do, what to feel. I love her, just for who she is. No movie love crap. The way it ended, so bitterly with her being so mean to me for the first time and telling me she was sick of me, outgrowing me (despite her being younger) hurts so bad. But I think of our memories, we were so good just before her distancing + new bf. She was making plans for us and all. How can things be destroyed so fast? So good to nothing.
I sometimes feel like there is hope, like deep down she knows I'm the one sort of, like she's again displaying avoidance behaviour, that she will return as some of my friends say. But ya, she speaks well of her bf, saying shes lucky. This with the bitterness makes me think otherwise. I fear the good we had as friends was only there because of her feelings. But early on as friends, we were so good too. So ya... Can't stop wanting her and thinking of her.
I just don't know what to think, feel or do.
Help.
and so sorry it's so long.
