Lost a friendship with a real good friend I have feelings for (and it was mutual!)
Need to let this out (again but on here for the 1st time) and hope I might get some words of help.
A real good friend of mine ended our friendship 2 months ago. We were like partners in crime. Our friendship to me was special, something that has happened to me once in my life. She was very accepting, open and trusting of me early and I felt we connected well. We had loads of fun.
It turned out my friend had feelings for me. She distanced herself for a few weeks and when I expressed my disappointment she revealed these feelings. During the few weeks I knew she was a dating a new guy. By the time I spoke to her they were already in a r/s and thus, she wanted to end our friendship. I tried saving it thrice. The first time, I met her in person and she said she wouldn't leave and hugged me. The second time time I meant for us to talk, for me to apologise, for us to clear things up and move forth. She changed her mind, saying it will not work. I pleaded but in the end she stood up and walked away. The third time was over text, and she said she wanted to end the friendship immediately. She blocked me on facebook, everywhere and said she would not respond to my texts. She would not even pick her things up from my place. She gave many reasons all through out - from not wanting to hurt me by distancing more to not wanting to have feelings for me anymore to being sick of me/our friendship. I don't know what to make of this.
Our friendship was not perfect, but each time it got better. She many times validated our friendship, more so than I did - writing me stuff on how important I was, her being grateful I was around. And I felt I was always there for her, always ensuring her safety, well-being, that we were doing what she liked and was comfy with. She confided in me sometimes exclusviely, many times the 1st person she went to.
All this devastates me. I feel like a part of me is missing. Like a part of my life is missing. I feel handicapped almost, and so many things and places remind me of her. I miss her like I have never missed anyone before and lately have been so absolutely tempted to text her that I miss her. Should I?
Her telling me of her feelings and what I felt after made me realise my feelings for her too... that I mostly surpressed. I put respect for her high and felt lust was wrong and while almost never rejecting her holds and touches, only returned them after she initiates. I wanted her to feel comfy and safe but she took this as me being uninterested. I did feel quite protective of her too.
My anxiety is way up, she speaks so well of her bf and new bff(?) openly, like she never did with me. The contrast of this and the private validations I don't know what to make off.
I also think so much of my mistakes, my blindness in her cues, my shortcomings as a friend and what not.
I don't know what to do, what to feel. I love her, just for who she is. No movie love crap. The way it ended, so bitterly with her being so mean to me for the first time and telling me she was sick of me, outgrowing me (despite her being younger) hurts so bad. But I think of our memories, we were so good just before her distancing + new bf. She was making plans for us and all. How can things be destroyed so fast? So good to nothing.
I sometimes feel like there is hope, like deep down she knows I'm the one sort of, like she's again displaying avoidance behaviour, that she will return as some of my friends say. But ya, she speaks well of her bf, saying shes lucky. This with the bitterness makes me think otherwise. I fear the good we had as friends was only there because of her feelings. But early on as friends, we were so good too. So ya... Can't stop wanting her and thinking of her.
I just don't know what to think, feel or do.
Help.
and so sorry it's so long.
@alicanyo, I feel for you buddy. Im not an expert on this but it sounds like one of two things to me. Either she wasnt getting you caring for her like you said and didnt give it enough time to get to know the real you and how you truly felt about you or she lied and moved on to some other guy who she will say the same things to until she finds someone else she likes and dump him for the new one. Its hard to say without knowing either of you. I know with how you feel , you might not like hearing this but if it was the second reason, you might be lucky you found this out before yall got further along. Thats just my dumb opinion though. Hang in there buddy, the right one will come along.
Hey thanks for the reply.
She definitely did tell me she felt like I would reject her etc. I guess she got me as a friend for the most part but nothing else. And it's kinda unfair, like I had no opinions or whatever. I couldn't say yes or no, you know? But then I can't help but blame meself for being so blind and not sensitive enough, esp to her cues. She also seems to like this guy A LOT but I don't know. They only dated for barely 2 weeks and I may well be so wrong but he's like a 'me' only attainable, esp since he went after her and well her cousin doesn't like me soo... oh well. Hope the right one comes real soon or she comes back. She does feel right that's such a barrier in moving on.
@Alicanyo, i know what its like to lose someone you care so much about. My sister set me up with a friend of hers. We hit it off and got serious enough that we were talking about getting married. when i met her her mom was dying from cancer. I was concerned that one day she might get it because she smoked. My dad told her i wanted to break up with her because of her smoking. I didnt like her smoking but in no way did i want to lose her. That was the beginning of the end of our relationship. We were kind of on and off after that. One day she came to my house with a girlfriend, they were both crying and asking me if i knew how much she cared for me. When she left i couldnt stop her. My counselor said part of the reason i couldnt stop her was because my dad sexually molested me when i was a kid. Something about i was scared of sex or something like that. Little did i know that that would be the last time i ever saw her. After a short while, i called her house to see if she was home so i could go and talk to her. He said he would get her to contact you. It didnt sound right. Two weeks later, i got a letter in the mail and she had a different last name and lived in a different part of the state. She said i waited too long. Three months ago i saw her brothers obituary in the newspaper and she wasnt listed as a survivor. I did some internet searching and found out she died 7 years ago. i was devastated. That is what set me in to my depression. I know what tough spot youre in and how you feel. Hang in there friend. I know you dont want to hear this and i know i probably felt this back then, but maybe it wasnt meant to be. I hope this statement doesnt piss you off because its not meant to. Dont give up, everything will be alright. bobby
That sounds like it's been a rollercoaster almost, Bobby, and I can see how great of a loss she was. Especially when you've made plans and all. Seems like she didn't see how much you felt for her? The friend I lost, she smoked too and at the end she sounded almost hateful of me when she said I acted like a mum, it had to partly because I encouraged her to stop smoking. But never forced her and even bought ciggs for her occassionaly (she's 17). I even said to another friend once that one of the things the kinda girl I want would not do is not smoke, in front of her. Probably will regret that all my life.
And no, your replies are great for me. And I thank you for them. Are you getting help for your depression?
@Alicanyo, yes she felt the same way. I dont know how long of a time frame it was between the last time I saw her and when I tried to call her. I was at the start of apprentice school in the shipyard and was very busy with that. When I met her, she had only been here for a year and her mom had the cancer. If you could have seen the difference between her junior and senior pictures, you would know how happy I made her. I was the only thing that changed for her in that time. She was 17 at first too. I see parallels between you and myself , our situations with our girls anyway. I have regretted losing her too. Yes im getting help theough a counselor and coming on here and posting with people like you and talking with the listeners on here has really helped.
I don't know about this, only you can say so, but you seem to have dealt with your regret? Been finding it easier to not think back but still find myself thinking of how stupid I was and how close things were to being so wonderfully different. And yea, I see parallels too. Just you know, confusion and misunderstanding and distancing... Nice to know you're getting help from a counselor! I am too, just wish my friends were more on broad but yea, counselors help a fair amount anyway.
This sounds like she might have borderline personality disorder. I say that because there's this thing called devaluation and elevation, which is basically swinging between "He never listens and he's bad for me" and "He's such a great person, he cares so much."
Don't! tell her this! I'm only saying it because realizing details like that helps me cope. If she does have any sort of mental illness, it needs to be worked out between her and a trusted therapist, and I am not experienced enough to diagnose. (It is also really hard to diagnose a person who's not here. :P)This is a guess based on my own experience.
Her being open about how good her other... friends... are may be her trying to be assertive for once, if she feels insecure or something. She could also be trying to get your attention--don't take my word on that one.
I hope things get better for you.
Hi, thanks for your reply! I don't know about the BPD but maybe? One thing's real clear to me is her tendency towards avoidance behaviour. And I won't and actually can't tell her. She refuses to speak to me. I mentioned above she blocked me on every website, every social media platform. I know about her openess on her new friends cause her profile is all public... hope I don't sound like a stalker right now but yea, doubt it's her wanting me to see it.
Hi, thanks for your reply! I don't know about the BPD but maybe? One thing's real clear to me is her tendency towards avoidance behaviour. And I won't and actually can't tell her. She refuses to speak to me. I mentioned above she blocked me on every website, every social media platform. I know about her openess on her new friends cause her profile is all public... hope I don't sound like a stalker right now but yea, doubt it's her wanting me to see it.
