Skip to main content Skip to bottom nav
Alwaysundecided29
97 M Embraced 1
PathStep 4 Compassion hearts6 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeAugust, 2017 Member sinceMarch 2, 2017
Bio
Recent forum posts
Alwaysundecided29 profile picture
The man of my nightmares is getting married. *PTSD triggers of sexual abuse*
Trauma Support / by Alwaysundecided29
Last post
 March 18th, 2017
...See more I don't know the exact age; but I'm assuming I was somewhere between the ages of 3 and 5. He was the babysitter my parents hired (a boy in highschool, and the son of an extremely close family friend).He would put me to bed first, then my older brother.When he was sure that my brother was asleep, he would sneak back into my room and wake me up. He always told me to be quiet and that this was our little secret. He told me that we were special friends and that I couldnt tell anybody because then we wouldn't be a "secret club" anymore. He would take me into the bathroom,undress me, wrap me in his jacket and place me on the counter. He never officially raped me per se. He would finger me and touch me a lot. He would go as long as he could until I told him it hurt at which point he would stop ,and put me back to bed before my parents got home. I'm almost 20 years old now, and ive long since lost contact with him, but I know his mother and talk to her often. I didn't remember anything until the memories came back to me around the age of twelve ; and then everthing came back in a flood. That's when my anxiety became very apparent. I blamed myself for everything (and some days I still do). They teach you in school - "dont let anyone touch you when you are naked except for your doctor" but I didnt understand what that meant and he seemed to care so much about our secret club that it seemed like it must have been ok. I didnt know to say no. I just wanted to make him happy, I thought he was my friend and that it was normal. I didn't tell a single person until last year. I confided in my best friend of 12 years, and then later I confided in my boyfriend. They have both been amazing , my boyfriend has been so patient with me (both sexually, and otherwise). I never thought that someone would be able to accept me, i thought that men would always see me as damaged goods - but he never sees me that way. But recently, I had a conversation with this mans mother, and she updated me on her life as per usual. It turns out that he is getting married this summer, and will most likely be starting their own little family soon. I cant help but feel responsible for the safety of his future children, and his future wife. She likely has no idea what he did, and though in the past I thought I had forgiven him, I know now that is not true. And that I could not forgive him for doing this to anyone else. The thing is that I have no proof. I have no evidence that it ever happened, I have never told my parents , nor do I want to (they would only blame themselves), and I dont want to ruin my family's relationship with his mother. I dont want to go through the court-system only to be blamed and victimized further, to relive the experiences all over again. So either way I feel like an awful human being and I sit up most nights feeling this way so I thought it was time to get it off my chest. As lovely as my boyfriend is, He just doesn't get it. He doesnt understand why I think everything is my fault and he doesnt understand why Im so caught up in this mans marriage. He says its not my responsibility to protect anyone but myself. Anyways... thats a whole lot of stuff and Im sorry if I've burdened anybody with it. Any advice or just support would be incredible. I hope you are all having much better days/ nights than I am.
Search more from @Alwaysundecided29
Community updates
Considering Therapy?
Talk to an expert therapist
Badges & Awards
5 total badges
Hand Shake Linked First Post Reaching out First Compassion
Report an issue