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AmorphousBalloon
1 55 M Embraced
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts4 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeJanuary, 2016 Member sinceJanuary 8, 2016
Bio

I love sci-fi and video games. I love music. I love plants. I try to be fit and eat well. I struggle with anxiety and low self esteem and depression. My best friend is my cat. I'm genderqueer. Not too interested in labels though I guess. Message me if you would like to be friends on steam. Or just say hi. Im pretty undersocialized, even by Internet standards.

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I blame my dad. Maybe I'm to blame.
Trauma Support / by AmorphousBalloon
Last post
 January 8th, 2016
...See more I used to cry almost every day when I was a kid because I had to watch my dad abuse my mom verbally and physically. Psychologically and sexually. I used to be afraid all the time for her and I wanted the screaming to stop. I was scared to go to sleep and scared to leave her alone. I hated coming home. I hated the sight of her in tears.. He hit her and called her a worthless piece of shit and kicked her and dragged her by her hair and pinched her and and held a loaded gun to her and raped her in front of me over and over again. He was definitely drunk most of the time but probably coked out too. I feel like I could kill him sometimes. I feel like I was raped into existence. I feel like he ruined her life. After they divorced she began to abuse me physically and verbally. She whipped me with her belt and slapped me and cut random bits of my hair as punishment and told me I was ugly and went to all my friends houses and told them to stay away from me, cursing and calling them names.. I used to hate her for it but now i think she doesnt know how else to behave. She has a lot of health problems and is emotionally dependent and doesn't work and I feel like I can't leave her. I have before. I'm 25 now. I want to move out (again) but she tries to guilt trip me into staying or coming back usually. I don't know what to do. I just want to move and not say anything to anyone. I don't really have friends. I isolate myself when I can. I feel like I shouldn't exist and being with her takes away my motivation. She mooches off my stepdadad who can afford it I guess but he isn't happy with his life either. He just can't stand up for himself or he likes to be submissive. It's depressing. I thinking leaving will make me feel better. I have some money saved (about 2k) but no job yet. Though I just got a license for a skilled trade to practice in my state. I am also an Uber driver occasionally. I could survive if I move out I think.. I just don't know where to go. Should I get a job and then move? I was thinking about starting community college again but I don't want to be here anymore. I enrolled in 3 classes but I want to drop them now. I can just start working. I think I do want to go back and get my bachelors eventually but I'm not even really sure.. I feel so lost. I feel stupid for complaining knowing others have it much worse. I just feel like lying in bed forever and I know that's not right. I should be enjoying my life but I feel trapped. It's getting to the point where I feel I'll do something drastic like sell all my belongings and disappear to a new city. I just don't have anyone to talk to about this. I think I realized today I'm the only one really holding me back but I feel really guilty when I think about leaving or doing anything besides what she wants me to. I feel like its my responsibility to help her but i dont know how and i am sad that nobody else wants to. I just want to be free. I feel like my heart is locked away somewhere..I don't have a good sense of who I am anymore.
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