I blame my dad. Maybe I'm to blame.
I used to cry almost every day when I was a kid because I had to watch my dad abuse my mom verbally and physically. Psychologically and sexually. I used to be afraid all the time for her and I wanted the screaming to stop. I was scared to go to sleep and scared to leave her alone. I hated coming home. I hated the sight of her in tears.. He hit her and called her a worthless piece of shit and kicked her and dragged her by her hair and pinched her and and held a loaded gun to her and raped her in front of me over and over again. He was definitely drunk most of the time but probably coked out too. I feel like I could kill him sometimes. I feel like I was raped into existence. I feel like he ruined her life. After they divorced she began to abuse me physically and verbally. She whipped me with her belt and slapped me and cut random bits of my hair as punishment and told me I was ugly and went to all my friends houses and told them to stay away from me, cursing and calling them names.. I used to hate her for it but now i think she doesnt know how else to behave. She has a lot of health problems and is emotionally dependent and doesn't work and I feel like I can't leave her. I have before. I'm 25 now. I want to move out (again) but she tries to guilt trip me into staying or coming back usually. I don't know what to do. I just want to move and not say anything to anyone. I don't really have friends. I isolate myself when I can. I feel like I shouldn't exist and being with her takes away my motivation. She mooches off my stepdadad who can afford it I guess but he isn't happy with his life either. He just can't stand up for himself or he likes to be submissive. It's depressing. I thinking leaving will make me feel better. I have some money saved (about 2k) but no job yet. Though I just got a license for a skilled trade to practice in my state. I am also an Uber driver occasionally. I could survive if I move out I think.. I just don't know where to go. Should I get a job and then move? I was thinking about starting community college again but I don't want to be here anymore. I enrolled in 3 classes but I want to drop them now. I can just start working. I think I do want to go back and get my bachelors eventually but I'm not even really sure.. I feel so lost. I feel stupid for complaining knowing others have it much worse. I just feel like lying in bed forever and I know that's not right. I should be enjoying my life but I feel trapped. It's getting to the point where I feel I'll do something drastic like sell all my belongings and disappear to a new city. I just don't have anyone to talk to about this. I think I realized today I'm the only one really holding me back but I feel really guilty when I think about leaving or doing anything besides what she wants me to. I feel like its my responsibility to help her but i dont know how and i am sad that nobody else wants to. I just want to be free. I feel like my heart is locked away somewhere..I don't have a good sense of who I am anymore.
I am really sorry that you have all this going on your life. It is alot of weight to carry. I am glad you are sharing this . It's not good to keep things bottled in. Just know you are here for a reason. Let whatever makes you happy be your compass in life but just make the right decisions. Make a plan for your self. Find things that you are passionate about. I believe today education is important and can open alot of doors for you in the future . The way I see it if you don't start school now it will be difficult for you to go later. Plus school can be a distraction for all the things that you are dealing with. Don't give up keep looking for a job and then keep saving your money. Once you are situated moving out will be a good option. Just be smart about it you don't want to ruin your credit. So take advantage of living at home.
Love yourself most importantly! I'm sure your mother loves you and she has been through a lot. Don't be discouraged you seem pretty understanding of your mother's behavior. I know it's not easy but you have to do what's important for yourself. You have a life to live and enjoy. For now stay focused and motivated.
@Blessedandloved26
Thanks for your reply. I guess I feel stunted and eager to just get on with life. I have always had a difficult time thinking about my future and long term planning.. I wonder if I should see a psychologist. I have anxiety that makes it feel difficult to leave the house if I'm not obligated. I can force myself but it is taxing.
I understand completely. I felt like that at some point. It's is all in your mind. You have to get control and don't let your fears control you. I started taking short walks and listening to music . It helped me. Try running errands simple things like going to the grocery store and other things.
Set goals! And complete them. Most important be consistent. This got my confidence up to do anything. Try and be positive it is a domino effect it will spread.
Blame no one ,but it's you're father thought.
1. You are traumatized, it is normal to escape
2. Most abused women like you're mama, go through a cycle of battering,try reading about that.
3.Try to get some breather, then collect yourself if you can't help it ,ask friends,if you will nt help you're mother frm his abuser,who will ?
4.Report to authorities in discretion
@Tyler143
Thanks for your reply. My mother is no longer with her abuser for a very long time now. There is nothing to report to anyone about. I called the police many times when I was a child but they rarely did much of anything.
I am so sorry for what you've had to endure and for what you are still going through. I understand you wanting to help your Mom and you also wanting to escape and just be free. That sounds like a very difficult line to walk.
I hope this is okay but I just really want to validate your experience as a child, not just your Mom's. I know it seems like your Mom took the brunt of all your Dad's abuse, but you were also an innocent victim. You were a child that was exposed to terrible things at a very early age. You felt helpless and powerless. And you were not to blame for any of it.
I'm sure you know this, but please, please know that you were not at all responsible for what your Dad did to your Mom when you were a child. There was nothing you could have done to stop it. In no way was it ever your fault. Your Mom is an adult who is responsible for her own life, her own mental health, and her own recovery now. She was abused, but you are not responsible for her health in any way and she should not guilt trip you into staying. I believe that she deserves to heal from what happened to her and live a good life. I also believe that you deserve to heal. Your recovery is so, so important. Your feelings are important and valid, no matter what anyone says. Right now, I hope your emotional well-being is your priority because it absolutely deserves to be.
I think you mentioned therapy and whether it would be a good idea to start seeing a psychologist. I think it would be. I've been in therapy for awhile now (I'm 24), and it's been very beneficial for me and it's slowly helping me recover from a lot of past trauma in my own childhood. It could do the same for you. You deserve the freedom you want so much. Your heart doesn't have to be locked away. You can find yourself again, I promise.
I wish you the best of luck in your recovery. My thoughts will be with you. Take gentle care of yourself. If you ever want to talk, Im here.
