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Hello, everyone!
This is my first post. I have actually gotten to the point where I seek outside help. I have heard good things about this place, so I decided to try it. I am not a native English speaker, so forgive any mistakes. I am not quite sure whether this should be posted under 'depression' or 'breakup'. Considering, that breakup triggered my self-labelled depression, I think this probably belongs here.
I have been a loner for the most of my life. Although, I did enjoy social gatherings with my closest friends, I also needed some time alone. It is hard to describe the exact feeling, but despite above-mentioned, there was loneliness. I frequently went for long walks, daydreaming and visualizing a fantasy world around the gray of my life. Educated, employed and amongst friends. When I think about it, there was no reason to feel bad. Nevertheless, I did. I had gotten to the point where nothing interested me anymore. There was nothing I really looked forward to. I was possessed with an indescribable feeling that something was missing. Nevertheless, I did not even have the motivation to look for what it was. Despite the fake smiles, I was functional. I could convince myself to get out of bed and do the same thing every day. Over and over again.
Things change. I moved out of my childhood home to share a flat with some friends. Although, at first the excess socialization was draining, I got used to it quick. I made tons of new friends. I had more free time, yet hardly any idea what to do with it. Before I figured out what else to occupy myself with, one day I met her. There is always a HER in a story, isn't there? Although it happened so quickly, it took a lot of time for me to open up to her. The reason for it was that I was hurt badly in the previous relationships and had my guard up. By the time I did open up, I actually forgot what it is to feel bad. I am aware that this can be labelled as a co-dependent relationship and I really should feel good about myself on my own. Nevertheless, it worked. I actually dismissed that I had any depression before I met her.
However, all good things come to an end. She later admitted that she originally planned to keep me around for two weeks. Yet somehow our relationship grew into two wonderful years of fun – meeting parents, confessing love to one another, amazing love-life and even making some future arrangements. Not necessarily in that order.
She periodically suffered from depression and suggested to break up, because she was not entirely convinced that I am THE ONE and told me that I really should date other girls. Even her close friends. From my point of view, the reason was vague I still cannot wrap my head around it. I was devastated. I am somewhat convinced there was no other party involved, but no matter how open we became to one another after the breakup, I have lost some trust in her. Although there were no fights, I simply cannot label this breakup as 'mutual'. However, I cannot say this came without warning. I felt this building up for some time – she drank excessively, yet while we were together, she never told me that depression forced her into this. She was easily irritable, but would not admit the reason. She later told me that she just wanted to spare me of drama and useless fights, although I do now believe it would have been much healthier if we did fight things out and not keep our negative emotions bottled up inside. I did want to help, but she was so good at masking her pain and I myself was not attentive enough either.
We took two weeks off and afterwards agreed to remain friends and help each other. The breakup also triggered my long-forgotten, self-labelled depression. I did not beg for getting back together, but frequently cried on her shoulder. Tears were hardly shed about the fact that we had broken up. It was rather about me feeling down. I feared being alone with my thoughts. She did reassure me that breakup was for the best and planted this idea deep in my head that I actually started to believe it. Relationship aside, I stared to hate myself again – my life, the achievements I have made. Everything seemed pointless. I had lost hope in humanity. Again. Lost hope in relationships. I frequently cried myself to sleep and for the first time discovered what a panic attack is. Then there were lots of them. I found myself melting down in random places not just because of her, but because I was fed up with everything in general. For a while, I could recharge by spending some time with her – playing cards, talking, etc. Although I really tried, this friendship caused even more panic attacks and pain. Time passed, and in the absence of her, the idea of being just friends started to get to me, killing me slowly inside. I also started to feel that I was a burden on her. Not much of a friend, when looking like a zombie.
Two months into misery, I realized that this dysfunctional friendship is not healthy and decided to stop contacting her. I want to say that did this mostly for myself. However, I would lie if I said I had extinguished all hope of ever getting back together. I regret that did not tell her that I needed some time apart, since I originally pushed for friendship. However, this decision happened gradually and I did not have a chance to talk it out. It was hard. We had too many mutual friends and I had alienated the rest.
In addition, I started taking anxiolytics and antidepressants.
I did not reply to any breadcrumbs, so she must have been aware I was ignoring her. For a moment, I actually thought I was getting better. Panic attacks were nearly gone. I had even gotten to the point where I could point out the flaws in our past-relationship. I stopped idolizing her and saw life beyond the two of us. I picked up long-forgotten hobbies. I got in touch with old friends, since I lost many mutual friends during breakup. I did not date, but actually gave it a big thought. But then, I fear, I must have built up tolerance to the antidepressants and started to get much worse. Time flew by, I never noticed. And I never did stop thinking obsessively about her. Nevertheless, I did remain semi-functional, active.
Two months later, I bumped into her at a concert. I suspected she would be there, since our mutual friends were bound to be there. I handled it gracefully, greeted her and smiled through the whole thing. A day later, she sent me a text message and asked whether I was home, as she wanted to treat me with a homemade snack. I missed the text message and eventually got the 'package' from her brother (they live in an upstairs flat). I thanked her and tried not reading too much into this, since it was Christmas time and she is my neighbour after all. Nevertheless, the panic attacks were instantly back and I was spiralling the same familiar emotional path that leads to more pain and tears.
I did not want to feel this way, so a week later I made a conscious choice. As I was about to arrange a meeting and tell her that we should pretending, admit that friendship didn't work and stop contacting altogether, I got an invitation from her to a house party. I am aware this does not remotely sound like reconciliation and will probably cause more harm than good. I just do not know what to do. On one hand, I know that it would be healthy to attempt to move on. On another, I do still love her and a huge part of me still wants her back. I am just not sure how to handle this situation. We are a mystery box for each other and despite the above-mentioned; I am not very keen on playing these emotional games. If I do attend, how do I handle myself? I already feel anxiety building up and that will definitely burst out in panic. What happens, if I do not attend? Do I continue my silence? Do I break off friendship as soon as possible in favour of healing? I do still want to help her with her depression. I enjoy spending time with her, but I know there cannot be any friendship when it hurts like hell inside. I am just not sure I can ever be around her without pain and panic creeping in on me.
Moreover, what do I do in general? I know that it takes time. Four months into this, I cannot honestly say that I feel better.
Yes, I have considered therapy. However, I do not live in a developed country and our health care system is in shambles. There is a shortage of professionals and I am not sure I can afford one in long term.
I apologize for the long post. It is a weirdly good feeling to write it down, even if it brings tears to my eyes.
Have a good day everyone!
