Annabelle26 Member Profile

...See more Over two years ago my ex boyfriend (30) and I (26) were in a 7 year relationship (I was 17-24 years old during this time). Our relationship was cosy and sweet. He was kind, supportive and very devoted to me. After living together for a year, he broke up with me. I was so shocked and devastated but I eventually decided that he did the right thing and it was somewhat empowering knowing that I could get to know myself outside a relationship. We have stayed close friends and I don't want to change this. He did have major regrets breaking up with me and for two years he begged for me to get back with him. It killed me doing it, but I had to decline his requests to get back together because it just didn't feel right in my gut. Also there were factors that made me concerned about settling with him. After breaking up I realised that like my father, he drank too much and was a workaholic (these were issues in my parents' marriage and also impacted on my childhood a lot). I'd realised that he was very complacent in our relationship and had little interest to go out and do things together as a couple and socialise with people on the weekend so I felt quite unfulfilled and isolated. Also, the level of chemistry between us was quite poor. Understandably couples lose it with time, but I felt almost like we had become so familiar with one another as friends/family, that being intimate with him was almost like being intimate with a brother and it was only until I had sexual experiences outside the relationship that I realised this. Anyway, 5 months ago he told me that he had met a really special girl. Prior to this happening I was really hoping for this day to come because I cared for him deeply and I knew he wanted to move on and meet someone nice and he finally did. Another bonus was that this girl was totally relaxed and supportive about our close bond. Unfortunately I did not react as I had expected to. I literally broke down into a deep and dark depressive episode where I was hospitalised and unable to work or leave the bed for a long while and had attempted to take my own life (not because of him, but because the depression and lack of hope was so scary and overwhelming). I couldn't help but remember half way through our relationship I felt it had grown stale but I decided to work at it and the last half of the relationship was really nice for us. This made me think that perhaps all those issues I had focused on when he asked for me back were superficial reasons not to settle with him and that we could have made it work. For example, when he wanted me back he promised to cut down on drinking (I was cynical) and to do more together as a couple, and my parents went through a lot during their marriage and are happy together now. About 2 months ago I began to come to terms and even happy with him being with another person and I also stabilised and found a new job and felt that I had finally come out the other side of this awful darkness. Anyway, yesterday after a really good day, I took a nap and had this vivid dream of us being back together. I woke up and felt this intense regret for not taking him back last year when he begged me to and I have not been able to control this intense pain since. I admit that I am terribly lonely and miss the companionship that we had. I have also dated a number of guys and every single one of them have been jerks so I feel scared that I will never meet a good man like him again. I just can't understand whether it was right of me to follow my gut when such intense regret has basically sabotaged my life and I am scared about what my future holds as a single girl who is very romantically inclined and not really impressed by the how men have treated me in the dating world. Does anyone have any insight which could help me get back into a better frame of mind? I appreciate your time!

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