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AnxiousAna8
1,142 M Little Steps 3
PathStep 3 Compassion hearts104 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes8 Current upvotes8 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2021 Member sinceJune 7, 2018
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I crave control. It never ends..does it?
Eating Disorder Support / by AnxiousAna8
Last post
 February 2nd, 2020
...See more I'm laying in bed right now. I have a great life. I have a home. I enjoy my job. I have an amazingly supportive boyfriend who makes me feel beautiful and loved. I have great friends. and yet I'm laying in bed disassociating. I feel my body going numb. I'm having a mood swing into numbness for no reason. I want to go talk to my boyfriend about it but as much as he is understanding and supportive, I know he wouldn't get it and it would just cause him to worry. I've been recovered from anorexia for 2 1/2 years. I've had therapy after therapy after therapy and I've been in treatment. But some nights I still lay awake missing the hunger pains and my hip bones. For me, it was never about the weight. I was always thin and I knew it. My eating disorder was born from control. I like my body right now, it's much thicker as an recovered adult women, and I actually like it. Yet.. the feelings of a need for control return. I was triggered when I lost weight recently (my job is labor intensive). I had lost weight when I was not trying to. That is a loss of control for me. The weight before was where I was comfortable and what I had accepted.. and it changed out of my control. It still bothers me. My stomach still triggers me. I don't think it will ever stop. My waist will never be small enough. Not to me. My boyfriend touching my stomach always makes my heart drop, no matter how many times he says he loves my soft skin and tells me that I'm so beautiful. I look in the mirror and I feel good about myself. I do. But I crave control over my body. A type of control that will never be realistic. To the average person, I'm recovered. To the average person, nothing is wrong. I eat shamelessly. I live my life. But no one gets to see the days where I lay in bed, not even feeling real, and doubting the validity of my own emotions because I'm supposed to be "better"; I am "better". I like my body now... but I miss my control. It never ends.. does it? (This was more a diary entry style of writing... I'm all over the place. I hope it makes.. any sense. Thank you for reading.)
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