I crave control. It never ends..does it?
I'm laying in bed right now. I have a great life. I have a home. I enjoy my job. I have an amazingly supportive boyfriend who makes me feel beautiful and loved. I have great friends.
and yet I'm laying in bed disassociating. I feel my body going numb. I'm having a mood swing into numbness for no reason. I want to go talk to my boyfriend about it but as much as he is understanding and supportive, I know he wouldn't get it and it would just cause him to worry.
I've been recovered from anorexia for 2 1/2 years. I've had therapy after therapy after therapy and I've been in treatment. But some nights I still lay awake missing the hunger pains and my hip bones.
For me, it was never about the weight. I was always thin and I knew it. My eating disorder was born from control. I like my body right now, it's much thicker as an recovered adult women, and I actually like it. Yet.. the feelings of a need for control return.
I was triggered when I lost weight recently (my job is labor intensive). I had lost weight when I was not trying to. That is a loss of control for me. The weight before was where I was comfortable and what I had accepted.. and it changed out of my control. It still bothers me.
My stomach still triggers me. I don't think it will ever stop. My waist will never be small enough. Not to me. My boyfriend touching my stomach always makes my heart drop, no matter how many times he says he loves my soft skin and tells me that I'm so beautiful.
I look in the mirror and I feel good about myself. I do. But I crave control over my body. A type of control that will never be realistic.
To the average person, I'm recovered. To the average person, nothing is wrong. I eat shamelessly. I live my life.
But no one gets to see the days where I lay in bed, not even feeling real, and doubting the validity of my own emotions because I'm supposed to be "better"; I am "better".
I like my body now... but I miss my control.
It never ends.. does it?
(This was more a diary entry style of writing... I'm all over the place. I hope it makes.. any sense. Thank you for reading.)
@AnxiousAna8 I can really understand and relate to how you feel. I'm recovered but often have feelings of wanting to control my weight again. I'm a very motivated person so when this happens, I tell myself that falling back to bad habits would be taking the easy way out. The best thing to do is to identify what the issue is and find a way to control it because anorexia ultimately leads to being out of control - and that's what I really don't want (being inpatient put me off ever going back to where I was again).
I dont know what to do anymore I feel like I cant stop not eating I either eat to much junk food or not enough regular food and when I do eat I calorie count and cant stop Ive tried throwing up a few times but nothing has helped me to lose the weight I want to lose I am 15 and 92 pounds and Im the only one who thinks that I am way over weight I just want someone to talk to I feel all alone and I feel like Im stuck in a hole that I cant get out of someone please help me I just want to talk to someone
@AnxiousAna8 I suffered from what you suffered previously, but as a result of a chronic gastro-intestinal tract. I was loss of appetite and lost my weight to the point that I could not stand on my feet. When I recovered, I lost control of my appetite and became so greedy that I am afraid of knowing my weight.
@AnxiousAna8 I totally get this. I crave the control too, and I have a hard time giving up. I recovered for a few years ago, and now I'm back in the spiral with control, not eating and working out like crazy :/
@AnxiousAna8 I struggle too, eitb feeling strange wnd itneresting and often pleasant sensations all over my body. I feel this way sometimes more than others. I feel it makes my body beautiful, then other times, I despise and hate myself brcause of it. I feel others notice.