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Apple5312
192 M Embraced 1
PathStep 7 Compassion hearts9 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes0 Current upvotes0 Age GroupAdult Last activeJune, 2022 Member sinceAugust 7, 2017
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On the verge of destruction and desperate for help
Relationship Stress / by Apple5312
Last post
 June 2nd, 2022
...See more My fiance and I have been together 10 years and have 2 children together. Our biggest struggle is communication when there are problems. He tends to yell, criticize and call names and accuses me of being fake and manipulating bc I want to get out of trouble. I try to communicate to him and if use the wrong word, he gets triggered and tells me to stop talking and that I'm too focused on the details and have no interest in just stopping my poor behavior, especially for his health as he has a heart condition and should not get worked up. I have admitted to neglecting him before bc I tend to put work, chores and childcare in front of spending time with him (or even having time for myself) but he refuses to understand that not having those things under control gives me anxiety. He however, has been jobless due to pandemic and depression for over 3 years. He struggles with addiction and mental health but refuses to talk to a professional. I have been understanding and accepting of these things bc I know he wants better but can not get himself out of his own cycle. He hardly ever leaves the bedroom and watches YouTube most of the time. He also does no cleaning and has garbage all around him but asks me to help and also not help bc it makes him feel bad. Regrettably, I have also picked those things as weapons when I am pushed to a place of anger during fights. I admit that I am a difficult person to get to know bc I keep to myself a lot for fear of judgement or being brushed off. He has made the effort to learn my behaviors but he uses that against me in fights and sometimes focuses on an inaccurate cause/action. Last night was the last straw in a 5 day fight/resolution cycle bc he told me what I do is abuse but (and I specifically named these things) the yelling, name calling and degrading way he speaks to me during fights is not in the definition of abuse. Verbatim "not in the definition of abuse." It makes me question everything that's ever been said. If he could be so stubborn in not admitting that that's abuse then anything he's said to me and made me feel could be wrong. Today is day 1 of reaching out for help. He tells me when I offer to go to a counselor that he doesn't think I need that and just need to listen and act according to the words I have told him but I'm starting to believe it's bc he's afraid someone will tell me he's wrong. I also can't afford to do teletherapy and wouldn't be able to go to the office between work and kids. I can't keep going thru this. I feel crazy, I'm depressed and hate myself regularly.
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