On the verge of destruction and desperate for help

@Apple5312

Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. There's a few things I would like to point out;

My fiance and I have been together 10 years and have 2 children together. Our biggest struggle is communication when there are problems. He tends to yell, criticize and call names and accuses me of being fake and manipulating bc I want to get out of trouble. (The things he's doing and saying will cause a lot of harm to the relationship/connection you two have. This might make you want to spend less time with him because it doesn't feel safe being around someone who does/say those things. It's not okay the way he's treating you, and it will impact your safety and mental health. He's doing all of this to be in control by using protest behavior) I try to communicate to him and if use the wrong word, (He has an unreasonable expectation of how things should be said, and will often make you second guess yourself and walking on eggshells) he gets triggered and tells me to stop talking and that I'm too focused on the details and have no interest in just stopping my poor behavior, (The communication here seems one sided. He has an expectation that you should listen and do everything he wants while he ignores how you feel. In his mind, his feelings are justified no matter how bad they are, but he will often do a projection on you as a way to not take accountability for his own actions. He seems like he will often see himself as a good person, while putting down others because in his mind he's never wrong) especially for his health as he has a heart condition and should not get worked up. (This sounds like some kind of guilt trip, which will often make you feel guilty and sad. He's using his health condition as a way to gain control of your feelings because he knows how much of an impact it will have on you. It's not okay the way he's doing this) I have admitted to neglecting him before bc I tend to put work, chores and childcare in front of spending time with him (Those are understandable reasons, but at the same time it can be tough being around someone who yells, criticizes you, minimizes how you feel and makes it all about himself) (or even having time for myself) but he refuses to understand that not having those things under control gives me anxiety. (I'm guessing if you see things as messy or out place around the house then it gives you a lot of anxiety, which makes you try hard to fix it as a way to feel in control?) He however, has been jobless due to pandemic and depression for over 3 years. (I understand how tough depression can be, it can impact a person well being. This however seems like he has been on this state for far too long) He struggles with addiction and mental health but refuses to talk to a professional. I have been understanding and accepting of these things (You definitely sound like a supportive partner, but do you feel like he's appreciating all of this?) bc I know he wants better but can not get himself out of his own cycle. (I understand what you are saying, but can you recall the times he has put an effort to get better?) He hardly ever leaves the bedroom and watches YouTube most of the time. He also does no cleaning and has garbage all around him but asks me to help and also not help bc it makes him feel bad. Regrettably, I have also picked those things as weapons when I am pushed to a place of anger during fights. I admit that I am a difficult person to get to know bc I keep to myself a lot for fear of judgement or being brushed off. He has made the effort to learn my behaviors but he uses that against me in fights and sometimes focuses on an inaccurate cause/action. (It's awful the way he uses your past and your struggles to hurt you. This will kill any safety and trust you have for him, and it will make you to not share things with him.) Last night was the last straw in a 5 day fight/resolution cycle bc he told me what I do is abuse (This is a projection and he's twisting reality to avoid any accountability. It's extremely tough for him to be wrong, so he rather blames you so he doesn't have to deal with shame) but (and I specifically named these things) the yelling, name calling and degrading way he speaks to me during fights is not in the definition of abuse. (In his mind he's right, and everyone is wrong. It's impossible to have a healthy marriage with someone like him because conflicts will never get solved. He will minimize, project, use his health condition against you, use your past against you and then it will make you doubt your own reality) Verbatim "not in the definition of abuse." (What he's doing is the definition of emotional abuse) It makes me question everything that's ever been said. (He's gaslighting you to make you doubt your own reality. This will often make you second guess yourself, and it will cause your self esteem to feel hurt) If he could be so stubborn in not admitting that that's abuse then anything he's said to me and made me feel could be wrong.

Today is day 1 of reaching out for help. He tells me when I offer to go to a counselor that he doesn't think (He never sees he has a problem, so this will make things very difficult) I need that and just need to listen (He says that, but then doesn't take the time to make you feel heard and understood. This goes both ways, it can't be all about him) and act according to the words I have told him (He says that, but then his words never matches his actions) but I'm starting to believe it's bc he's afraid someone will tell me he's wrong. (Yes, he's terrified a therapist will point out a lot of things that might make you leave him, so he's doing everything he can to stay in control) I also can't afford to do teletherapy and wouldn't be able to go to the office between work and kids.

I can't keep going thru this. I feel crazy, I'm depressed and hate myself regularly.

@Apple531,

you need to do relationship therapy, together. I just hope it's not too late for that as there is a nasty damaging pattern going on.

If he does not agree, then I guess the only option you have, for your own sanity, to make a stand, either therapy, and full corporation from him, or you are done.