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Arbintor
156 M Embraced 1
PathStep 9 Compassion hearts11 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes4 Current upvotes4 Age GroupAdult Last activeFebruary, 2024 Member sinceJune 17, 2021
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What actually helps?
Depression Support / by Arbintor
Last post
 February 5th, 2024
...See more I have desperately wanted to 0/1 for years. Talking doesn't help, it straight up makes things way worse, professional or not. Doing what I love doesn't work, it only hastens the incoming yearning to 0/1. Going on walks is a terrible idea, they only serve as a reminder, and I've grown to hate them. Read a book? No longer capable, which then turns into my lamentations. Draw? I learned to hate doing that over a decade ago, still can't enjoy it anymore. Listen to music? A reminder that I'm trash. Count to 100? That didn't work when I was 10 and it doesn't work now. Go on a drive? Too much car-related trauma, I can't be in a moving vehicle longer than 4 minutes without starting to freak out. Sing? My voice isn't worth hearing, and it also has trauma related incidents. Write? So I can be added to the thousands of other *** novelists with terrible ideas? I could make new friends so I can be betrayed once again and lose the trust I don't have for others, if I even let them talk to me in the first place. Focus on me? I'm a bad person who deserves the torment in reality. And I can back that statement up with ease. What's helps? The only thing that helps involves sharp objects and now I look like I've been attacked by a large animal, but it brings relief for so much longer than everything else. I can't afford healthcare if things go awry so I can't even do that now. Seriously what do I have to do to find even just a day where the temptation to disappear doesn't exist?
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Relapse
Self-Harm Recovery / by Arbintor
Last post
 December 29th, 2023
...See more I don't know what to do at this point. Every job I've ever held has pushed me into SH or worse, and due to certain events at my last job I now refuse to work for any company, because what's the point in talking to manager, specifically corporate managers about my mental health if the corporation only take actions that directly worsen it, and then completely ignore me? They fired me shortly after catching me SHing on camera before opening shop one day. Nearly 5 months later and almost all the money I managed to have saved up in case anything bad happened to me financially is gone, and even still I can't even think about getting a job and working without getting the itch. I'm terrified of it at this point. I'm stuck living with my parents and one of them in particular does a fantastic job in making me feel awful about living, and today they pushed me into relapsing doing what they do best. I can't afford what I need physically done for my body right now. I've already seen the therapist that every single psychiatrist I've used in the past 2 years recommends, and none of his advice actually works on me. No matter how hard I try, which ends up having the opposite effect on me. I was even advised to leave the mental hospital's group therapy because it wasn't helping and that the insurance I would only have for another couple of weeks was preparing to screw me over before dropping me. There's also the therapist office who left me in an empty video call for an hour before saying, "oops, couldn't connect, wanna reschedule, we can't see you for another 3 months." The day my insurance expired. Despite doing everything I can do to get away from these feelings. Whether it's the 150+ pages I've written/ typed for a novel, the 30 minutes of music I've made in an online studio, the many hours I've spent practicing my intrument, spending time in a video game, or even playing with/being around my dog, nothing alleviates the despair. Even thinking of what I've accomplished makes me feel worse, I can't find the happiness in it.
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Do I have an eating disorder?
Eating Disorder Support / by Arbintor
Last post
 August 28th, 2021
...See more For years now I have had a non-existent appetite. When I started taking medicine for ADHD I heard it suppresses appetite, but it didn't affect mine. It was what like how normally feel, "I know Im hungry but I'm not hungry." I reached the point that I don't really feel hungry anymore, or maybe I dunno what the signs are. I'll habitually starve myself to save money or because I just don't want to eat.
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