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AstoriaGerhardt
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Listens toOver 18 LanguagesEnglish Listener sinceSep 28, 2015 Last activeover 6 months ago GenderFemale PathStep 1 People helped0 Chats0 Group support chats0 Listener group chats0 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes0
Bio

I have suffered with general and social anxiety, panic attacks, and suicidal thoughts. If you are suffering with any of those issues or just want someone to talk to, contact me and I will give my best advice.

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Miserable Stage of Change
General Support / by AstoriaGerhardt
Last post
 January 15th, 2017
...See more Hi everyone, I am in a stage of change. The stage I'm in right now is: Empty Shell. I recently quit my biggest dopamine-producing, happiness-bringing coping mechanisms: maladaptive daydreaming. I used to obsessively fantasize while locked in my room since I was about five (I'm 20 now). I have literally hundreds of made-up characters in my brain, and hundreds of storylines they follow. Even though I did it in private and would be embarrassed to be caught, I never really thought there was anything terribly wrong with my behavior. That was until I noticed myself acting very oddly while in the middle of a daydream. I was actually acting out whatever my character was doing in the fantasy: smiling, laughing, crying, singing, frowning, talking, etc. I would do these things repetitively, rewinding to my favorite parts: so if my main fantasy was about something comedic, I would rewind over and over to the part where I was supposed to laugh...and I would laugh every time, on cue. I am not an actress in real life and all of my attempts at acting have been awful. So the fact that I was actually able to express genuine emotions suggests that I was in a TRANCE, able to unhinge my brain and go into another world to become whoever or whatever I wished. My main issue with this is the fact that I know it's just something I do to cope with my feelings of inadequacy. All of my created characters have one thing in common: they are praised and envied, two things I outwardly deny wanting, but I actually want them very badly. All of my characters are someone I want to be. I rarely dream about myself, but when I do, it's always an enhanced version of myself...never who I actually am. That would be boring and unsatisfying. And the fact that I see my reality as boring and unsatisfying is why I'm trying to change. I haven't daydreamed in my room in about a month. I feel like I literally live for nothing anymore. My daydreaming isn't just an addiction; my daydreaming is my entire identity. I have no identity or personality outside of daydreaming. My whole soul was in fantasy land, and I just cut fantasy land off cold-turkey. I am like a dead person now. Nothing is interesting. Nothing gives me life or enthusiasm. And oddly enough, in the last month, I have been having chest pain and panic attacks. I always felt that our heart beat was a subconscious sign of self-love and a desire to exist; no wonder I feel like my heart is failing me. My body is probably confused as to why its even functioning, seeing as the person it used to house has obviously died. I have tried replacing my addiction with something else, but nothing satisfies me like daydreaming did. The only semi-interesting thing I do now is try to analyze my personality. But even that gets boring. I don't know what to do. I don't feel like killing myself, but at the same time, I don't know exactly what I'm living for. When I think about starting up daydreaming again, I just feel...dirty. Like I will feel guilty, and disappointed, because I know better now. There is no way I'll enjoy guilt-free daydreaming ever again. So I'm damned if I do, and damned if I don't. What does a woman with no identity do with herself?
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