Athena0900 Member Profile

...See more I have none. I have my first trauma therapy session in person in 2 days. I'm looking forward to it. However I'm also dreading it. I thought I would be finally dealing with my past trauma and pain that has controlled my life this far. But turns out... there's immediate trauma. This morning I finally called the police on the love of my life. He ,like me, is special. He needs extra compassion. Extra care. Extra guidance. And I swear his dos qand don't are opposite mine but just as extremely rigid. However, I realized as I've been over time. The cycle of abuse has to stop. I can't say he's the only abusive person in this duet. I have a mouth on me. I throw things when I explode. It's not okay. But he uses me as his outlet. If his shoes aren't clean enough, if the baby cuddles him and spits up on him, if our son chews his earbuds, if work was bad that day... I've become his safe space where he just let's it all out..but it's hurting me My limp today, my back pain yesterday. The black eye 2 years ago. The 50 lbs of makeup so we could go to dinner last summer. The sore throat that never went away the one time he "accidently" lost control and choked me with his forearm. I have 4 kids now. I've tasted independence . This pandemic allowed me to get. Ajob making good money for the first time in my life. It allowed me to literally take the wheel of finances. I got to drive the car by myself without him in it. I was allowed to drive to see people and do things, and ssshhhhhh sometimes I'd just sit in the car and drink ice coffee and cry for and hour before walking into the house. I had my safe space. 3 times in 2 years I just drove. I didn't know where I was going. I didn't know what I was doing. But I felt so free. 30 minute drives to work weren't long enough. For years I wasn't allowed to work but it was always my fault we had no money. For years self harm, suicidal ideation, outbursts and preterm pregnancies didn't speak loud enough to tell him..I'm depressed. I'm hurting. So I was vocal. I screamed I yelled. Sometimes I just whispered. I made it very specific and clear and he called them rambles. My heart pouring out like waterfalls in a remote destination it felt so good to feel like he would hear me...but when I sat and waited for his response.. he was always angry. Always defensive. I was his safe space . He was not mine. And hearing it would mean accepting it. Would mean he would have to let go of his safe space or give up control of it so that I could find a safe space in him. The conflict was a burden he couldn't bear so it fell on me. Everyday my feet hurt and wept from the pain of the glass on the floor sharper than eggshells because I didn't know what kind of day he was having or what he wanted until he started yelling or scolding me. He always said I talked at him not to him,but he didn't talk at all.he complained. He yelled. He screamed. He would grit his teeth and huff and pout and threaten me with his eyes and his vengeful grin.. but he wouldn't talk to me. I had enough after awhile. I couldn't keep telling ppl I was getting divorced and then running back crying because no one supported me. I felt so alone and I felt so trapped and I felt so..isolated. 💔 no where was safe anymore the car wasn't safe. The house wasn't safe. The internet ..it isn't safe. * I'm bare naked to the world if I tell my side of things but I'm so isolated if I don't. * U can't have a safe space when your pain is inside your brain. U can't run from your feelings and thoughts as intrusive as they are ,they r consistent, unlike my mairrage. This morning... I put my foot down I said no more of this. I am a human and I have feelings and u don't get to keep using me as ur shield, your punching bag,ur slave. I can't carry ur burdens and mine. I can't hold up the world and be a perfect wife. I can't heal u of ur misery.. when I am not even safe in my own life. And these words came out powerful and threatening to him..it became verbal assaults and cursing. In front of the kids... then he decided he would shut me up. He called me a towel head.. made fun of arabic, and my biracial daughter sat up. She looked at me and I saw in her eyes, her self doubt and hurt and betrayal..and I screamed. U can beat me with words and fists if u want..but u won't dare stoop so low as racism in front of her. **I got up to grab our baby that sit by his side. And that's when I felt pain in neck,back knee and I cried. A cigarette I had lit burning my hair I could smell it and feel it's heat on my neck and I feared, if ... he realized my pain and fear and let go. I bolted to the kitchen and dialed real slow.... I gave him a warning ..u need to go. He panicked and he too..pulled out his phone. I called the police and cried to the guy. He talked calmly like he wanted it to sound like I lied. Thank God this time unlike the last.. they made him leave.. and I locked the latch. But now I sit here 4 children and me... depressed as ever.. scared. Isolated.in pain Fearful...but free. *** He texted me after and asked me to talk. Automatically.. was blocked. ***And I'm still wondering why the hell do I feel bad for him... when he abused me? *** Why am I so empathic toward everyone and so protective of everyone....BUT ME.

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