"Safe space ". Something I scribbled up from my day today. Trigger warning*abuse*
I have none. I have my first trauma therapy session in person in 2 days. I'm looking forward to it. However I'm also dreading it. I thought I would be finally dealing with my past trauma and pain that has controlled my life this far. But turns out... there's immediate trauma.
This morning I finally called the police on the love of my life. He ,like me, is special. He needs extra compassion. Extra care. Extra guidance. And I swear his dos qand don't are opposite mine but just as extremely rigid. However, I realized as I've been over time. The cycle of abuse has to stop. I can't say he's the only abusive person in this duet. I have a mouth on me. I throw things when I explode. It's not okay. But he uses me as his outlet. If his shoes aren't clean enough, if the baby cuddles him and spits up on him, if our son chews his earbuds, if work was bad that day... I've become his safe space where he just let's it all out..but it's hurting me
My limp today, my back pain yesterday. The black eye 2 years ago. The 50 lbs of makeup so we could go to dinner last summer. The sore throat that never went away the one time he "accidently" lost control and choked me with his forearm. I have 4 kids now. I've tasted independence . This pandemic allowed me to get. Ajob making good money for the first time in my life. It allowed me to literally take the wheel of finances. I got to drive the car by myself without him in it. I was allowed to drive to see people and do things, and ssshhhhhh sometimes I'd just sit in the car and drink ice coffee and cry for and hour before walking into the house. I had my safe space. 3 times in 2 years I just drove. I didn't know where I was going. I didn't know what I was doing. But I felt so free. 30 minute drives to work weren't long enough. For years I wasn't allowed to work but it was always my fault we had no money. For years self harm, suicidal ideation, outbursts and preterm pregnancies didn't speak loud enough to tell him..I'm depressed. I'm hurting. So I was vocal.
I screamed I yelled. Sometimes I just whispered. I made it very specific and clear and he called them rambles. My heart pouring out like waterfalls in a remote destination it felt so good to feel like he would hear me...but when I sat and waited for his response.. he was always angry.
Always defensive. I was his safe space . He was not mine. And hearing it would mean accepting it. Would mean he would have to let go of his safe space or give up control of it so that I could find a safe space in him. The conflict was a burden he couldn't bear so it fell on me. Everyday my feet hurt and wept from the pain of the glass on the floor sharper than eggshells because I didn't know what kind of day he was having or what he wanted until he started yelling or scolding me. He always said I talked at him not to him,but he didn't talk at all.he complained. He yelled. He screamed. He would grit his teeth and huff and pout and threaten me with his eyes and his vengeful grin.. but he wouldn't talk to me. I had enough after awhile. I couldn't keep telling ppl I was getting divorced and then running back crying because no one supported me. I felt so alone and I felt so trapped and I felt so..isolated. 💔 no where was safe anymore the car wasn't safe. The house wasn't safe. The internet ..it isn't safe. * I'm bare naked to the world if I tell my side of things but I'm so isolated if I don't. * U can't have a safe space when your pain is inside your brain. U can't run from your feelings and thoughts as intrusive as they are ,they r consistent, unlike my mairrage. This morning... I put my foot down I said no more of this. I am a human and I have feelings and u don't get to keep using me as ur shield, your punching bag,ur slave. I can't carry ur burdens and mine. I can't hold up the world and be a perfect wife. I can't heal u of ur misery.. when I am not even safe in my own life. And these words came out powerful and threatening to him..it became verbal assaults and cursing. In front of the kids... then he decided he would shut me up. He called me a towel head.. made fun of arabic, and my biracial daughter sat up. She looked at me and I saw in her eyes, her self doubt and hurt and betrayal..and I screamed. U can beat me with words and fists if u want..but u won't dare stoop so low as racism in front of her.
**I got up to grab our baby that sit by his side. And that's when I felt pain in neck,back knee and I cried. A cigarette I had lit burning my hair I could smell it and feel it's heat on my neck and I feared, if ... he realized my pain and fear and let go. I bolted to the kitchen and dialed real slow.... I gave him a warning ..u need to go. He panicked and he too..pulled out his phone. I called the police and cried to the guy. He talked calmly like he wanted it to sound like I lied. Thank God this time unlike the last.. they made him leave.. and I locked the latch. But now I sit here 4 children and me... depressed as ever.. scared. Isolated.in pain Fearful...but free. ***
He texted me after and asked me to talk. Automatically.. was blocked.
***And I'm still wondering why the hell do I feel bad for him... when he abused me? ***
Why am I so empathic toward everyone and so protective of everyone....BUT ME.
@Athena0900
I am so sorry, I am sorry for what has happened to you and for the years of abuse you have suffered at his hands. Right now I am so ****ing proud of you. You just did something that is incredibly difficult. Its a decision my mother never made and I wish she had, and I just want you to know you deserve this. You are a human not a slave and not a punching bag. You stood up for your daughter and you stood up for you. You quite possibly saved your own life. So I am sorry I have no more support to offer, but though its going to be so so hard, you did amazingly well. I strongly believe you made the right choice. I hope you keep writing here, I personally find it a release to share stuff that had to be secret so long.
Sending you strength <3
Thank you. I think I will benefit from in the evening after the kids lay down. Just writing about my day and how I feel. I've read that during the isolating times is when ppl tend to rush back to their abuser for a measure of comfort and I know I do this too. So I hope this space helps me to avoid that bad decision
Do I just add another "diary" entry as a thread to this one? I'm not sure how to keep it all in one place . Others have oages but might seems to be an extended page so I don't want to add to the original. It would end up a book in no time. Sorry ,I am still learning how to navigate this app. I found it when I was looking for depression support awhile ago and I barely used it til now.
"What is this?" Today's entry.
My mom came by early this morning.
She helped me tidy and run to the store.
I'd say the day was regular and boring.
But then it wouldn't be about me anymore.
The children played but oldest asked questions
She seemed to be quite a little detective 🕵️♀️
She ppked and prodded and hit all the nerves
But I had to be patient because she was hurt
I know in her mind she is just being casual
But outlook she sounded like a bit of an... Hole
Her dad and I not being together
It shattered her vision of true love forever
Thank God for therapy and hers she sees soon
Because I just want her to know. Yes we r broken,but we both do love you.
My middle one not so open about everything she sees
But I could tell by her behavior
She was seeing me.
She helped out a lot today and had great manners
But she does that in a quiet way
It's like she is yelling at me to "look at her"
I just want her to know she isn't unseen
We love her dearly
She's not background noise to me
My boy ,he's so special, truly one of a kind.
He kept asking when daddy would pull in the drive
I had to explain in my stressed mommy voice
"Daddy isn't coming go okay with your toys"
My picky little Easter who talks kindof funny
Ate everything today,no complaints no whining.
He helped out his sisters..but he did tell his Nana "no"
He took a long nap and he said words I didn't know he could know
He chatted away telling stories with details
That's how I knew.. he wasn't feeling well
It was his way of expressing "mom I miss dad"
And everytime he hugged me,I could feel his sad.
The baby is broken, she cries and she cries. She doesn't say mom only "dada" and "bye". She napped in the car and a bit in the house. But most of the day she was quiet as a mouse.
I think it's because she senses our pain
She's overwhelmed. Either silent crying. Or calling his name.
So today I can't say it was okay or good.
It was rough. It was strange.. and so so so tough.
I'm glad my mom pulled through for me though.
Got the house clean. And for the kids dad did show.
Later in the night a movie before bed. He spent time with each if them and then he left.
I know for the kids that meant oh so much.
It was uneasy for me.
Still in pain from his touch.
We acted casual like everything was fine. We even talked a bit about what wa son my mind.
My heart is so guarded I'm tense at the thought.. that this is the scene that ruins the plot.
Instead if free and thriving someday.. will I fall back into the cycle and be reclaimed prey?
I think today I held boundaries strong. But I comforted my kids without stringing dad along.
So here's to complications. And keeping him at a distance.
But being a mom, who has to think of her kids.
Ahhh life
Today was better. I'm taking Steps to organize my hosiery how I want. And in ADHD friendly ways. I'm so tired if the dicmscusting mess we have acquired thru my negligence while depressed but from having a partner who never lifts a finger. Our children have picked up the sloppy habits as well. So today I organized all the laundry into bins and stacked them in the entrance room. Now I don't have to worry about laundry strewn through the house getting full of dirt and dog hair. And everything is right next to where the washer and dryer is so it's adhd friendly to wrinkly put it all away. This should contribute greatly to keeping the house clean and my sanity.
I'm disappointed because with him gone I have limited to no access to transportation. Tomorrow is supposed to be my first trauma therapy apointment I was looking forward to going and I feel saddened that childcare and transportation will be post pointing it most likely. It's unfortunate but part of the struggle of seperation/divorce. So much of me wants to text him and ask him to help me with the car but I know that would not be wise. So I'm not.
My mom again was here and helping me get things strained out. She is being a major support which has helped me not feel so lonely but also helped me to get out of my funk. I appreciate that although she hasn't always been the best support when it comes to me being in abusive relationships. She seems to really get it and want to be there for me and the kids.
Ending on a positive here; I have 4 emails for job applications I sent out to get back into fulltime Healthcare Healthcare they seem mighty interested in me based off my resume thay I threw together. That gives me hope for my future. I specified wages amount as well and it doesn't seem to have been an issue. I pray Allah grants me success in this is it is his wish.
Alhamdulillah ❤
Well trauma therapy didn't work out. Guy was a complete jerk. Didn't even do an intake today because I may not be able to handle myself and my own problems. But I know mental health and I've worked with many people who have suffered from altered state or reality and mental health complications. I would never speak to someone in a vulnarable/ fragile state of mind the way he spoke to me today. Completely condescending and rude. Almost sassy and holier than thou complex. Idc how many degrees u have, if ur not even doing what ur degree says u are capable of doing, like speaking compassionately to trauma victims... then it's jsut a piece of paper with ink and that's it. There's no garentee ur friend didn't help u cheat ur way to thay degree. I don't trust it. I know too many unqualified but extremely brilliant people.and too many people with degrees and success (that had me right their essays for their finals in college) and I don't even my ged and they passed and graduated with A's.( Your welcome btw) I'm not about to be vunarabke and broken in front of a person who has to act like a power hungry asshole 2 seconds into a phone call. Not worth my time.
But the downside to that is I've been keeping so much inside and kept telling myself "thank God u have a trauma apointment" ... and now I don't know where to put all the emotions and negative traumatic energy. I want to jsut go off. I'm utilizing this to hopefully postpone the inevitable break down I will be having later.
