AutytheGayLibrophile Member Profile

...See more The Permanent Residence of a Useless Worried Friend By Auty The permanent residence of a useless worried friend, Anxiety… With her, suddenly I’m (A) alarmed (and my) (N) nerves (act up) (While I) e(X)hale (but) (I) can’t breathe (So) (E)rase your thoughts (I’m) (T)-tearing my skin Wh(Y) is this happening to me? You know what I mean? She lives in my head Taking permanent residence Filling me with dread How can I get rid of this? And now I’m Tap tap tapping my foot Bouncing my knee I’m loosened at the roots Feel a rising need to flee “Hey, you good?” Oh yea, I’m fine! …Red scab on my arm, my shin, my thigh Its red, so scratchy and rough It looks like I need to tear it off To draw blood I watch the beads slide down my leg Am I looking for attention? I don’t, I promise, I won’t beg Will they look in disdain because I can’t regulate like I should? Manage your stress, quit picking, do as you’re told Why are you freaking? You said you would Keep it together and never unfold I’m sorry my apprehension Builds excessive tension The slightest upset Now I’m throwing a fit I want to throw up I’m shaking I just might sob Mention one mistake and everything is wrong I am the landlord of this dorm A picture of calm and success This restlessness is my norm I’m not “good,” I’m doing my best But someone is jumping around, it’s overwhelming There’s yelling and speaking Attention-seeking I’m running over the tasks in my mind I hated the look in that woman’s eyes My hair is a mess, I forgot the right papers They stare right ahead, or are they staring at me? You really going to cry, you anxious skin-scraper? An unwelcome house guest My worried friend Permanent residence I can’t let her in Cause she’ll scream in my ears About my worst fears I won’t ask for help Cause that’s weak A meek yelp Self-esteem, -confidence, -love, I’m positive That if I could do better They’d love me the way I hope But now I feel self-centered Am I acting as if I’m better? Why is there pressure in your chest, you’re losing your mind from the stress, the hormones are flowing, your mind says keep going I’m stumbling left and right and my lungs feel tight and I can’t slow down and I won’t freak out But they’re looking at me, they see right through, and I’m going to flee, don’t know what to do Calm down, chill out, deep breaths, rough sketch Of the person I want to be And the person I’m s’posed to be Meet their expectations, finish on time, exceed the standards Knock them out of their seats with the effort, efficiency, results, no deficiency Get enough to eat, get enough of sleep I need a reprise Can’t open my eyes Get out of my head, my mind, my chest Leave me alone How do I do better? Is there no right outcome? No perfect solution? They’ll never really know I need a rewinder As my mind overflows The incessant reminder: Don’t cry, don’t cry Don’t run, don’t hide They’re prickling, my eyes Flee, these fleas Break, brake Don’t freak, you freak Just speak You regular usual normal average human being Like you belong. Like there’s nothing wrong. Throw away the garbage plaguing your mind Just kick out your house guest and rewind Why keep her around when at the end of the day Your giving permanent residence to a useless worried fay

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