A Poem About Anxiety from My Personal Experience

The Permanent Residence of a Useless Worried Friend

By Auty

The permanent residence of a useless worried friend, Anxiety…

With her, suddenly I’m

           (A) alarmed (and my)

 (N) nerves (act up)

(While I) e(X)hale (but)

                  (I) can’t breathe

                        (So) (E)rase your thoughts

                     (I’m) (T)-tearing my skin

                     Wh(Y) is this happening to me?

You know what I mean?

She lives in my head

Taking permanent residence

Filling me with dread

How can I get rid of this?

And now I’m

Tap tap tapping my foot

Bouncing my knee

I’m loosened at the roots

Feel a rising need to flee

“Hey, you good?” Oh yea, I’m fine!

…Red scab on my arm, my shin, my thigh

Its red, so scratchy and rough

It looks like I need to tear it off

To draw blood

I watch the beads slide down my leg

Am I looking for attention?

I don’t, I promise, I won’t beg

Will they look in disdain because I can’t regulate like I should?

Manage your stress, quit picking, do as you’re told

Why are you freaking? You said you would

Keep it together and never unfold

I’m sorry my apprehension 

Builds excessive tension

The slightest upset

Now I’m throwing a fit

I want to throw up

I’m shaking

I just might sob

Mention one mistake and everything is wrong

I am the landlord of this dorm

A picture of calm and success

This restlessness is my norm

I’m not “good,” I’m doing my best

But someone is jumping around, it’s overwhelming

There’s yelling and speaking

Attention-seeking

I’m running over the tasks in my mind

I hated the look in that woman’s eyes

My hair is a mess, I forgot the right papers

They stare right ahead, or are they staring at me?

You really going to cry, you anxious skin-scraper?

An unwelcome house guest

My worried friend

Permanent residence

I can’t let her in

Cause she’ll scream in my ears

About my worst fears

I won’t ask for help

Cause that’s weak

A meek yelp

Self-esteem, -confidence, -love, I’m positive

That if I could do better

They’d love me the way

I hope

But now I feel self-centered

Am I acting as if I’m better?

Why is there pressure in your chest, you’re losing your mind from the stress, the hormones are flowing, your mind says keep going 

I’m stumbling left and right and my lungs feel tight and I can’t slow down and I won’t freak out But they’re looking at me, they see right through, and I’m going to flee, don’t know what to do

Calm down, chill out, deep breaths, rough sketch

Of the person I want to be

And the person I’m s’posed to be

Meet their expectations, finish on time, exceed the standards

Knock them out of their seats with the effort, efficiency, results, no deficiency

Get enough to eat, get enough of sleep

I need a reprise

Can’t open my eyes

Get out of my head, my mind, my chest

Leave me alone

How do I do better?

Is there no right outcome?

No perfect solution?

They’ll never really know

I need a rewinder

As my mind overflows

The incessant reminder:

Don’t cry, don’t cry

Don’t run, don’t hide

They’re prickling, my eyes

Flee, these fleas

Break, brake

Don’t freak, you freak

Just speak 

You regular usual normal average human being

Like you belong. Like there’s nothing wrong.

Throw away the garbage plaguing your mind

Just kick out your house guest and rewind

Why keep her around when at the end of the day

Your giving permanent residence to a useless worried fay