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Azlock
337 M Embraced 3
PathStep 17 Compassion hearts9 Forum posts3 Forum upvotes2 Current upvotes2 Age GroupAdult Last activeOctober, 2015 Member sinceOctober 20, 2015
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Feeling hopeless
General Support / by Azlock
Last post
 November 2nd, 2015
...See more I'm going to a doctor today to get a medical evaluation. My depression has come back in full swing, worse than it has in years. I'm writing this up to keep logs so if I ever do anything stupid, people will know why what happened happened. The reason shit has kicked back harder than ever is as follows: # Financial stresses out the arse. # The bullshit last night that Imogen pulled which lead to me becoming a laughing stock and ultimately killing Smash for me. # Missing the shit out of Matt all the time. # Lack of employment opportunities. # Missing my family but realizing that if I went home, the problems would start again. # Despite being surrounded by people, feeling absolutely alone. I want to die. I know it wouldn't solve anything at all because it's the cowards way out but I'm sick of waking up sick, I'm sick of not wanting to eat, I'm sick of always wanting to cry because I can't handle this and I'm sick of being in a position where I cannot find an ounce of comfort from anything that once brought me joy. What's worse is that I want to vent this all out in reality, I want to just talk but I don't find comfort in anyone anymore. Imogen was my main source of comfort but last night proved that when I need her, she's just going to make her complications more important, regardless of whether they damage or make mine worse. My parents will tell me what they've always told me in that I just need to get over it. Hell, even this website didn't work as well as I'd hoped (I actually triggered the shit out of my listener to the point where she asked me to find another person to talk to due to making her feel bad). My job agency councilor seemed more adamant on me going to the doctor rather than wanting to listen and that hurt, it felt so mechanical. The fact remains, I'm an overweight, balding, unfunny piece of shit. I may as well sit tight and welcome all the negativity that's coming my way rather than try to prevent it anymore. I've tried for years to find zen and nothing has worked, I don't even have faith in ever finding that place of resolve. To say my hope is depleted is a gigantic understatement. Peace.
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