Feeling hopeless
I'm going to a doctor today to get a medical evaluation. My depression has come back in full swing, worse than it has in years. I'm writing this up to keep logs so if I ever do anything stupid, people will know why what happened happened.
The reason shit has kicked back harder than ever is as follows:
# Financial stresses out the arse.
# The bullshit last night that Imogen pulled which lead to me becoming a laughing stock and ultimately killing Smash for me.
# Missing the shit out of Matt all the time.
# Lack of employment opportunities.
# Missing my family but realizing that if I went home, the problems would start again.
# Despite being surrounded by people, feeling absolutely alone.
I want to die. I know it wouldn't solve anything at all because it's the cowards way out but I'm sick of waking up sick, I'm sick of not wanting to eat, I'm sick of always wanting to cry because I can't handle this and I'm sick of being in a position where I cannot find an ounce of comfort from anything that once brought me joy.
What's worse is that I want to vent this all out in reality, I want to just talk but I don't find comfort in anyone anymore. Imogen was my main source of comfort but last night proved that when I need her, she's just going to make her complications more important, regardless of whether they damage or make mine worse. My parents will tell me what they've always told me in that I just need to get over it. Hell, even this website didn't work as well as I'd hoped (I actually triggered the shit out of my listener to the point where she asked me to find another person to talk to due to making her feel bad). My job agency councilor seemed more adamant on me going to the doctor rather than wanting to listen and that hurt, it felt so mechanical.
The fact remains, I'm an overweight, balding, unfunny piece of shit. I may as well sit tight and welcome all the negativity that's coming my way rather than try to prevent it anymore. I've tried for years to find zen and nothing has worked, I don't even have faith in ever finding that place of resolve. To say my hope is depleted is a gigantic understatement.
Peace.
Forgot to make references since people won't get parts.
Matt is my son who I see once a fortnight and Imogen is my partner.
It sounds like you're in one of those moods where you just wish everything would go away. You don't necessarily want to die, but you want something similar to death. A place where nothing can bother you and you won't think. I wish you would delve into why you don't want to see your family. What "problems" would be cased by going home? Why don't you see your son often? Are you surrounded by people who support and provide you with love? Another clear problem to me is your lack of love and respect for yourself. I'm curious as to why you have this hatred of yourself. I recommend you try to create good and healthy relationships with people on here, if not, also with people in real life. That's the best provider of happiness you'll ever be able to find. Receiving and, more importantly, giving love is what really matters. Whenever you do see your son, do good things for him. Do good things for your partner also. I promise you good things will also come your way as long as you're willing to help others. You seem very focused on yourself instead of the people around you. I recommend you start helping others, so that people can also help you in return. You complained about your partner's problems making yours worse or her ignoring your problems, but try actually helping her with her problems, too. A relationship is 50-50. You can't expect her to constantly help and provide you with comfort without you doing the same to her. Hope this helps a lot.
