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...See more I am feeling so terribly broken right now.. Last night I snapped badly at my wife and said so many terrible and mean things to her wanting my words to hurt her, and I succeeded. Ever since we have been married my wife initially would get physical when angry; grabbing my collar or shirt or scratching my arm. I was shaken up at first not knowing how to respond and I explained to her not to get physical in arguments as the abuse only grows once it starts. She still does occasionally get physical but rarely. (Though she still hits me on the head or face "as a joke" despite knowing it's one of my triggers and gets me upset). The verbal abuse however... that has never stopped. She yells and screams and often calls me "idiot", "fucking moron", "dumbass", etc. for moments where she feels I upset her. Some of them I can understand like a week or two ago we went to the movies and she started a conversation with a lady few seats down from me regarding seat spacing (due to covid). The lady wasn't understanding what my wife was trying to ask her (basically trying to ask if we moved a few seats down, would they be ok in moving further down?). In my head I thought to myself that we probably won't be changing seats anyhow and since they were cross-talking over me with me in the middle, I told the other lady, "it's ok, nevermind." My wife thinking I had insulted her by doing so lost her cool and loudly started displaying her anger at me, calling me a "fucking idiot" for the people around to hear. I stopped talking to her or replying back and she quitely apologized only to pick up the conversation in the car again arguing how wrong I was. I continuously apologized to her but she wanted a guarantee I wouldn't repeat my mistake again... to which I replied I didn't think it was that big of a mistake but I will definitely try not to. Again, this statement landed me in more trouble and an hour long argument inside the car. Yesterday night, I was in the bathroom, cleaning up (shaving, giving myself a haircut to try to avoid the barber due to covid, taking out my clothes for work and showering). She messaged me that our dog needs to be let out to do his business and to come downstairs and open the kitchen door for him to go to the backyard. I told her, I'm almost done, just give me 10 minutes and jumped in for a quick shower. As I was out of the shower, putting on my clothes, she stormed into the bathroom yelling why I had taken so long (despite being less than 10 mins). As she walked out she again yelled "idiot" and I lost my mind and told her how abusive she is and that all she does is abuse everyone (even her own mother and sister when shes angry). To that, her rage grew more and she started calling me more swear words and names and I started retaliating using the same words against her. As she kept finding new words to insult me, I stooped to a new low and wanting to hurt her bad, started talking about her weight and how "disgusting" of a person she was. I am now devastated that I said those things to her and have apologized to her repeatedly sending her messages from work. She said I "showed her my true feelings" yesterday which isn't true.. I just wanted to retaliate but I feel bad and ashamed for that.. I know she is wrong but the things I said are not the type of person I am or ever want to be. I hate abusing people, especially having been bullied as a kid myself.. I don't know how to fix this toxic relationship.

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