Abuse in Marriage
I am feeling so terribly broken right now.. Last night I snapped badly at my wife and said so many terrible and mean things to her wanting my words to hurt her, and I succeeded.
Ever since we have been married my wife initially would get physical when angry; grabbing my collar or shirt or scratching my arm. I was shaken up at first not knowing how to respond and I explained to her not to get physical in arguments as the abuse only grows once it starts. She still does occasionally get physical but rarely. (Though she still hits me on the head or face "as a joke" despite knowing it's one of my triggers and gets me upset).
The verbal abuse however... that has never stopped. She yells and screams and often calls me "idiot", "fucking moron", "dumbass", etc. for moments where she feels I upset her.
Some of them I can understand like a week or two ago we went to the movies and she started a conversation with a lady few seats down from me regarding seat spacing (due to covid). The lady wasn't understanding what my wife was trying to ask her (basically trying to ask if we moved a few seats down, would they be ok in moving further down?). In my head I thought to myself that we probably won't be changing seats anyhow and since they were cross-talking over me with me in the middle, I told the other lady, "it's ok, nevermind." My wife thinking I had insulted her by doing so lost her cool and loudly started displaying her anger at me, calling me a "fucking idiot" for the people around to hear. I stopped talking to her or replying back and she quitely apologized only to pick up the conversation in the car again arguing how wrong I was. I continuously apologized to her but she wanted a guarantee I wouldn't repeat my mistake again... to which I replied I didn't think it was that big of a mistake but I will definitely try not to. Again, this statement landed me in more trouble and an hour long argument inside the car.
Yesterday night, I was in the bathroom, cleaning up (shaving, giving myself a haircut to try to avoid the barber due to covid, taking out my clothes for work and showering). She messaged me that our dog needs to be let out to do his business and to come downstairs and open the kitchen door for him to go to the backyard. I told her, I'm almost done, just give me 10 minutes and jumped in for a quick shower. As I was out of the shower, putting on my clothes, she stormed into the bathroom yelling why I had taken so long (despite being less than 10 mins). As she walked out she again yelled "idiot" and I lost my mind and told her how abusive she is and that all she does is abuse everyone (even her own mother and sister when shes angry). To that, her rage grew more and she started calling me more swear words and names and I started retaliating using the same words against her. As she kept finding new words to insult me, I stooped to a new low and wanting to hurt her bad, started talking about her weight and how "disgusting" of a person she was.
I am now devastated that I said those things to her and have apologized to her repeatedly sending her messages from work. She said I "showed her my true feelings" yesterday which isn't true.. I just wanted to retaliate but I feel bad and ashamed for that.. I know she is wrong but the things I said are not the type of person I am or ever want to be. I hate abusing people, especially having been bullied as a kid myself..
I don't know how to fix this toxic relationship.
@BLife
Hey there, hopefully you are doing well. I see your marriage is taking a toll on you, and it's making you happy. I can also see you are doing the best you can to make this work, but it really seems like things are getting out of hand.
I can tell you really love her, but the way she physically abused you throughout these years is uncalled for. Her behavior causes you to feel hurt, fear and anxiety which is quite understandable. I don't like the way she didn't respect your boundaries, it truly shows she has no empathy for how this makes you feel. A healthy and loving partner would be able to understand and acknowledge their mistakes, but your partner seems to keep doing this on purpose to further you...
The way she behaved and reacted throughout the movie date was rude and disrespectful. She expects everyone to side with her, if not then she will seek retaliation towards the other person. She uses threats, aggression, disrespect and unloving behavior to force you into doing what she wants. The only thing she cares about are her needs and wants, while not putting into account how all of this is making you feel.
I understand you want to fix this relationship, but it takes two people actively working on it to make things work. Her behaviors are unreasonable, rude, dismissive, selfish, and disrespectful. You deserve to be treated with respect, love, care and like a human being. She has been mistreating you for years on purpose, and you don't deserve it.
@freshLight64
Correction: I see your marriage is taking a toll on you, and it's making you unhappy.
i really hope you’re doing better. i know exactly how you feel, my ex was like this with me. i was with him for 8 years and he never changed. he also never saw that what he did was not okay.
at the end of the relationship he told me that i was part of the down fall. that it was mostly my fault and that he had part too but it mostly mine, which was not true.
i also did what you did which was try to make him feel something. i never talked about his appearance i was attracted to him. but i would bring up really bad things that he did to me that he didn’t want me to bring up and he would get really mad about me bringing them up. i would have to do the apologizing for bringing them up.
what she’s doing to you is not ok at all. a partner should never ever talk like that to you. i love my nieces whole heartedly and i would never speak to them in a negative way to hurt them ever. that’s love.
the only way your relationship will prosper is if she accepts that what she is doing to you is wrong. and stops doing it.
my heart breaks for you.
When I read this, I cried. Sorry to hear about your relationship. This hits me deep because I am in a similar situation. Sometimes when we are in an abusive relationship, it’s easy to put the blame on ourselves. Thoughts like “Maybe I did something wrong.” or “I should not have said that.” We have become so good at justifying our loved one’s action that we fail to realize we have our limits too. This roots from a long history of insecurity and this brought us to such a relationship in the first place. Your words were indeed hurtful, but I don’t think we show our true colors when angry. What anger does is blur our thoughts. Clarity often comes when the anger had died down. I think both of you has some healing to do. You can do it together or you can do it apart.
