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BaronessHydra
621 M Embraced 5
PathStep 48 Compassion hearts15 Forum posts28 Forum upvotes14 Current upvotes14 Age GroupAdult Last activeJuly, 2019 Member sinceJanuary 18, 2018
Bio
growing up my family never failed to tell me that i was nothing but a toy &would never be anything else. since 2014 i realized they were COMPLETELY WRONG! I've taught myself several skills and am continuing to learn whatever catches my fancy. working with my hands has helped my 30yr depression immensely to the point of almost non existence.

my main issues now are feeling stressed about being being trapped in a life i don't want anymore.
Recent forum posts
Betrayed by the one person i thought never would
Trauma Support / by BaronessHydra
Last post
November 27th, 2018
...See more i just recently found out during the course of several marital issues that the person i thought had actually fallen in love with ME and not my body/and what it does for him never did. I basically wrote out all my feelings... fears and issues concerning our relationship and he ignored it by just writing back that he needed a little more time to respond. that was almost a month ago. He continues to want to pretend that everything is ok like he was being treated in the way that he was used to in the past when we were first together. I went through a lot of abuse both physically and mentally by my family for as long as i could remember so i've always been they type to stick to myself. so that others couldn't get close enough to use or abuse me. I've known my husband since 1989 he was my only best friend and he has always known and accepted my past. and made me believe that he wasn't like any of the others. and that even at 8 years old that my grandmother was just insane when she told me that no man would ever love me for anything but sex. that he wasn't like that and that he would always be there and would always love me. But 3 years ago when i confided in him that i felt that our alternative sex life was damaging my feelings towards him and I was going to stop having sexual relations for awhile everything changed. at first he was supportive but the longer it went without him showing any interest in me when i wasn't out with other men i kept the celibacy going. thinking that it wouldn't take too long for him to open up about his feelings about us and the state of our marriage. He still hasn't. instead he shoves his head in his phone and his hands down his pants getting angier and angier at me instead of trying anything to repair the cracks in our relationship. or fix any of the issues that he has caused. And now after doing nothing when i begged him to say or do anything to help fix this he still hasn't done anything. if we didn't have children i would have left him immediately. but due to lack of finances on his part he would have nowhere to go so i let him stay in the house with us. All of it is bringing back issues that I thought i had under control and had gotten over but now I am realizing and feeling like I'm worthless unless I'm fulfilling the needs of those around me. I'm basically ignored until something is needed from me. He was my best friend (or so i thought) but now I know that I don't have friends at all and i'm completely and utterly alone when it comes to adult interaction or any friends to share my feelings with. it seems that when i try to open up to those few around me i just get ignored or talked over before i can even finish my sentence. How do I go back to getting used to being alone forever when i was fooled into thinking i wouldn't be?