Betrayed by the one person i thought never would
i just recently found out during the course of several marital issues that the person i thought had actually fallen in love with ME and not my body/and what it does for him never did. I basically wrote out all my feelings... fears and issues concerning our relationship and he ignored it by just writing back that he needed a little more time to respond. that was almost a month ago. He continues to want to pretend that everything is ok like he was being treated in the way that he was used to in the past when we were first together.
I went through a lot of abuse both physically and mentally by my family for as long as i could remember so i've always been they type to stick to myself. so that others couldn't get close enough to use or abuse me. I've known my husband since 1989 he was my only best friend and he has always known and accepted my past. and made me believe that he wasn't like any of the others. and that even at 8 years old that my grandmother was just insane when she told me that no man would ever love me for anything but sex. that he wasn't like that and that he would always be there and would always love me.
But 3 years ago when i confided in him that i felt that our alternative sex life was damaging my feelings towards him and I was going to stop having sexual relations for awhile everything changed. at first he was supportive but the longer it went without him showing any interest in me when i wasn't out with other men i kept the celibacy going. thinking that it wouldn't take too long for him to open up about his feelings about us and the state of our marriage. He still hasn't. instead he shoves his head in his phone and his hands down his pants getting angier and angier at me instead of trying anything to repair the cracks in our relationship. or fix any of the issues that he has caused.
And now after doing nothing when i begged him to say or do anything to help fix this he still hasn't done anything. if we didn't have children i would have left him immediately. but due to lack of finances on his part he would have nowhere to go so i let him stay in the house with us. All of it is bringing back issues that I thought i had under control and had gotten over but now I am realizing and feeling like I'm worthless unless I'm fulfilling the needs of those around me. I'm basically ignored until something is needed from me.
He was my best friend (or so i thought) but now I know that I don't have friends at all and i'm completely and utterly alone when it comes to adult interaction or any friends to share my feelings with. it seems that when i try to open up to those few around me i just get ignored or talked over before i can even finish my sentence.
How do I go back to getting used to being alone forever when i was fooled into thinking i wouldn't be?
@BaronessHydra
Hi there,
Couples therapy will help here.
Can I be honest and say that relationships are never with the person OR the body, but always with both.
He may well have changed the relationship contract between you over the years, idk. But you definitely have.
If you want to return to a full relationship with your partner, I think therapy for both of you together will be really useful.
@DavidEss
@DavidEss
@DavidEss thank you. we are actually in family counseling for a little while but i'm not sure how much it's helping so far. i'm also not completely sure if i want to save the relationship with someone who would use me in that way. or if i could ever forgive him or trust him again.
i do appreciate you caring enough to offer your advise and support.
@BaronessHydra
Hi there
Wow that is a lot to go through and I really hope it gets better!
I just want to say reading your story gave me hope in a way and makes me believe you are strong. Bc I am young but I still underwent a lot of emotional and physical abuse growing up and I still worry if I'll ever be able to get married and have an ok relationship
So just like don't rag on yourself so much bc you did something that I can imagine is incredibly difficult-you married someone you trusted someone, you lived with someone you had sex with someone, you had kids with someone
I think that definitely shows you are brave
I also think and can relate that yea him brushing off your feelings and acting like nothing happened is really unhelpful and maybe even immature of him. You don't deserve that. I hope you two can communicate in a helpful way where you can feel heard and he can maybe explain why he's been acting like this
Also yea I agree if you two can afford it marriage counseling sounds really helpful. It sounds like both of you are trying to protect yourselfs, with you I perfectly understand and admire you standing up for yourself and stopping something that was unhealthy for you
And for him I know I don't know you both but it sounds like he does care about you and wants to understand you or at least he definitely did before bc he was able to talk about all those things with you. But also yea I think someone can love you but it matters more how they show it and him icing you out isnt kind.
As for the idea of someone only loving you for your body, again I am young but I relate to that fear and I know how much it hurts. Bc of the certain types of abuse I went through and my self image I often think when I'm in a bad place, 'all I have is my body the only good thing I have is I'm skinny' or what not and im willing to do self-destructive things or be with bad people for the praise
Don't know if that's anything like your situation
But just know I hear you and I can imagine how much that betrayal hurts
I hope it gets better 💜💜💜💜