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BunnysSunflower
120 M Embraced 1
PathStep 16 Compassion hearts7 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes1 Current upvotes1 Age GroupAdult Last activeSeptember, 2021 Member sinceSeptember 7, 2021
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Anxiety over a situation I caused
Anxiety Support / by BunnysSunflower
Last post
 September 9th, 2021
...See more I do hope this is the right area to put this in 😅 I have so much built up anxiety from a situation that happened a couple years ago that I've never talked about anywhere, and haven't been able to deal with mentally. Years ago I catfished my former best friend. I didn't feel good about it when I did it, I never once felt good about doing it. I was clueless about why I was doing it and kept doing it, up until a few hours ago when I was having a heart to heart with a friend. Bit of backstory: my dad wasn't around much, he traveled to different countries for work, my mom didn't pay much attention to me and more to my older brother, and a couple years after that payed more attention to my younger brother. I came to the idea that my personal reason (subconsciously, because I never realized until now) that the reason I felt the need to become someone else in order to get into a relationship, is possibly because my parents didn't seem to care about me. So somehow I guess I've interpreted that as: I'm not loveable, so I have to be someone else so someone will love me. I've never told her directly that it was me, but through questioning and my weak answers she knows, out of panic I blocked her on all social media's so she's definitely figured it out. She never got definitive closure and neither did I. I've checked up on her social media's, to see how she's doing, out of fear she's doing terrible because of the pain I've caused. She continued cosplaying, she's been to many concerts and she's even in a relationship now! So, she's doing great (from what I can tell, she's always been brutally honest on her social media's about how she's doing), so why am I still feeling this anxiety deep in my chest that I can't get rid of for weeks on end? I'll forget for a couple months and I'll be somewhat okay, but then something will make me remember and I'll be an anxious mess again. I've never written this all out.. and seeing it written out like this is scary, the thought of posting more anxiety inducing. I feel bad about feeling bad, if that makes sense. Since I was the one who caused her pain, I shouldn't be feeling like I deserve to feel good again.
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