Anxiety over a situation I caused
I do hope this is the right area to put this in 😅
I have so much built up anxiety from a situation that happened a couple years ago that I've never talked about anywhere, and haven't been able to deal with mentally.
Years ago I catfished my former best friend.
I didn't feel good about it when I did it, I never once felt good about doing it. I was clueless about why I was doing it and kept doing it, up until a few hours ago when I was having a heart to heart with a friend.
Bit of backstory: my dad wasn't around much, he traveled to different countries for work, my mom didn't pay much attention to me and more to my older brother, and a couple years after that payed more attention to my younger brother.
I came to the idea that my personal reason (subconsciously, because I never realized until now) that the reason I felt the need to become someone else in order to get into a relationship, is possibly because my parents didn't seem to care about me. So somehow I guess I've interpreted that as: I'm not loveable, so I have to be someone else so someone will love me.
I've never told her directly that it was me, but through questioning and my weak answers she knows, out of panic I blocked her on all social media's so she's definitely figured it out. She never got definitive closure and neither did I.
I've checked up on her social media's, to see how she's doing, out of fear she's doing terrible because of the pain I've caused. She continued cosplaying, she's been to many concerts and she's even in a relationship now! So, she's doing great (from what I can tell, she's always been brutally honest on her social media's about how she's doing), so why am I still feeling this anxiety deep in my chest that I can't get rid of for weeks on end?
I'll forget for a couple months and I'll be somewhat okay, but then something will make me remember and I'll be an anxious mess again.
I've never written this all out.. and seeing it written out like this is scary, the thought of posting more anxiety inducing.
I feel bad about feeling bad, if that makes sense. Since I was the one who caused her pain, I shouldn't be feeling like I deserve to feel good again.
@BunnysSunflower Thank you for opening up and sharing your story. You (and everyone else) deserve to be happy and find healing, regardless of past mistakes (we've all made them). The recurring anxiety is a sign that there is something unresolved about your experience(s), and your writing about it here is a brave first step to processing all that. Please continue to write (or talk) about how you feel when the anxiety returns. Try to identify what thoughts, fears, feelings, etc. are accompanying the anxiety. Identifying feelings/emotions has been shown to reduce the intensity thereof. Try asking whether the accompanying thoughts/fears are cognitive distortions. In other words, do they fall into any of these categories and reasses:
1. Engaging in catastrophic thinking
You to expect the worst outcome in any situation. You often find yourself thinking, “What if…?” If your child misses curfew, you imagine he’s been in a car accident. If your boss schedules a meeting, you worry you’ll be fired. And your thinking spirals from there: You may think of losing your child. Getting fired means you’ll become homeless.
2. Discounting the positive
When something goes right — say you get a promotion — you acknowledge it but refuse to take credit. Instead, you chalk it up to dumb luck or a mistake. Or, you receive many positive comments on an evaluation, but choose to focus on a single piece of negative feedback.
3. Emotional reasoning
You rely on “gut” feelings over objective evidence to judge yourself and the world. For example, “I feel like a bad mother, therefore I must be a bad mother.”
4. Labeling/mislabeling
You often define yourself and others with negative labels. In assigning labels, you focus on one past behavior or event. Your co-worker is “lazy” because they came to work late. You’re “stupid” because you failed the math test.
5. Mental filtering
You view yourself, your life, and your future through a negative lens. You ignore anything positive. Filtering can increase feelings of hopelessness and helplessness.
6. Jumping to conclusions
You base your decisions not on what someone says or does, but on what you believe they’re thinking. You believe you can read minds or anticipate reactions. You don’t ask what the other person thinks or feels.
Fortune-telling is another form of cognitive distortion related to jumping to conclusions. You insist you can predict the future, regardless of what you do. You’ll be famous without putting in the hard work. Or you’ll always be a failure, so hard work is a waste of time.
7. Overgeneralization
People who overgeneralize apply their experience from one event to another. If your marriage ended in divorce, you think you’re not worthy of love. As a result, you might conclude you should never date again.
8. Personalization
If people often tell you, “stop taking this so personally,” then you likely experience personalization. You blame yourself for things outside of your control. You falsely believe that everything that someone says or does is a direct reaction to you. Personalization can convince you that you are being targeted or excluded. It can also cause you to compare yourself to others.
9. Polarized or black-and-white thinking
This kind of thinking deals in extremes. People and situations are either great or terrible. You believe you’re either destined for success or failure. You don’t allow room for balanced perspectives or outcomes.
10. “Should” statements
You have a list of rules for how people should and shouldn’t behave. Constantly blaming yourself or others for what “should” have been said or done (but wasn’t) can increase stress and anxiety. You will never be happy if you always focus on what “should” have been.
