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Cassie7718
133 M Embraced 1
PathStep 2 Compassion hearts9 Forum posts2 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeMarch, 2022 Member sinceOctober 23, 2019
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Relapse after 4 years. (Trigger Warning)
Self-Harm Recovery / by Cassie7718
Last post
 October 27th, 2019
...See more I started to self harm 9 years ago and continued for 5 years. During that time I felt like I was addicted to it. It had got to the point where I'd had to go to the emergency room and had an ambulance called because of it. I stopped when I was 17 and went 4 whole years without it. But a few months ago I relapsed. The thing that frustrates me the most is that I don't understand why. During that 4 year period I'd had urges when things got hard, but I never did it, and I'd come close, but I always chose not to. So why did I do it then? It wasn't even close to the worst day I'd had in a long time, it was just a hard day at work. I don't understand why that little bit of frustration is what made me decide to go out and buy a tool, when I'd gotten through so much worse. I didn't even get what I wanted from it, and I regretted it as soon as I did it, but I think I just kind of spaced out because I kept doing it, which makes me so much more angry at myself because if I had stopped when I wanted to I could have passed it off as an accident and not had to worry about it, but I can't now. It's healed by now, but the scarring is a lot more prominent than what's there from years ago so it sticks out as recent. I knew this would happen if I ever relapsed, I knew it would make me feel this way, and I did it anyway. I haven't self harmed since then but in these past 2 months everytime I have a stressful day I've been consumed by thoughts of it, and it feels like a real struggle sometimes, so much more than it was before. I'm just frustrated and disappointed that I put myself through this again.
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