Relapse after 4 years. (Trigger Warning)
I started to self harm 9 years ago and continued for 5 years. During that time I felt like I was addicted to it. It had got to the point where I'd had to go to the emergency room and had an ambulance called because of it. I stopped when I was 17 and went 4 whole years without it. But a few months ago I relapsed. The thing that frustrates me the most is that I don't understand why.
During that 4 year period I'd had urges when things got hard, but I never did it, and I'd come close, but I always chose not to. So why did I do it then? It wasn't even close to the worst day I'd had in a long time, it was just a hard day at work. I don't understand why that little bit of frustration is what made me decide to go out and buy a tool, when I'd gotten through so much worse.
I didn't even get what I wanted from it, and I regretted it as soon as I did it, but I think I just kind of spaced out because I kept doing it, which makes me so much more angry at myself because if I had stopped when I wanted to I could have passed it off as an accident and not had to worry about it, but I can't now. It's healed by now, but the scarring is a lot more prominent than what's there from years ago so it sticks out as recent.
I knew this would happen if I ever relapsed, I knew it would make me feel this way, and I did it anyway. I haven't self harmed since then but in these past 2 months everytime I have a stressful day I've been consumed by thoughts of it, and it feels like a real struggle sometimes, so much more than it was before. I'm just frustrated and disappointed that I put myself through this again.
@Cassie7718
I wanted you to know you are not alone. I relasped after 11 years. It only happened the one time and I regretted it immediately. The thoughts were stronger for awhile. I would distract myself when they came. Music was a great source for me. Next month it will be 2 years since my relapse.
@Cassie7718
Hey there, I know how it feels. I went six-ish months without cutting and then I relapsed. I felt awful but I kept doing it. I eventually stopped and am currently six months clean. I know it is hard but you can do it I also know those feelings are hard to handle too. I could barely handle them. You are not alone.
@Cassie7718
Hi Cassie. I understand your frustration and disappointement very well. Relapses are often very difficult moments, and even more so when they happen after a long time of being clean.
You say you don't understand why it has happened. You had felt worse on other occasions and didn't sh. This may be something very important to reflect on. Can you remember which emotions you went through that day? Can you think of other occasions when you felt those very same emotions? Perhaps, unconsciously you created a connection between what you were feeling that day and what you felt sometime in the past, that was indeed overwhelming.
Be gentle and compassionate with yourself... You did something amazing, 4 years clean! I am proud of you. And you are not alone.