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CindyS
90 M Embraced
PathStep 1 Compassion hearts11 Forum posts1 Forum upvotes3 Current upvotes3 Age GroupAdult Last activeApril, 2024 Member sinceApril 11, 2024
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Why is my life like this?
Relationship Stress / by CindyS
Last post
 April 26th
...See more I am from Sri Lanka and 38(f) this year. Still Single. I come from a conservative Tamil family. My parents are conservative and my Father was abusive and feared talking against him till I was 22. Since they started seeking proposals for me, I have only been in pain and hurt.. No proposals worked and he became aggressive. He just wanted me to marry some guy from our caste irrespective of what my expectations were and every 3/4 months he quarreled with Mum over my marriage saying she was the one who was spoiling. For him, I have to marry have kids and serve the family..  While things were like this, I also was in relationships. The very first one was married. He told me that later but yet we were in contact and then suddenly he disappeared.. Thereafter, at my work place a man was interested in me. He too was married with kids. He was nice gentleman.. At this time I was about 28 yrs and I was confused as what to do.. Parents fight over marriage, escape boredom, and body needs all together made me go to him for love and affection. We were intimate as well. With time I realised he was too into me and was willing to leave his family behind for me. Thereafter, I decided to leave him completely and left the job as well. Thereafter for 8 yrs, no drama in my life.. proposals came in and nothing worked. About 3 months ago, I was active on the discussion app and met with this guy from the UK.. we were interested but then unfortunately, he tested positive for prostate cancer and thereafter he isolated himself and stopped communicating. I never wanted to let him go but he avoided me and didn't talk to me. The reason he avoided me was he didn't want to hurt me. Because of his medical condition, he was not sure if would survive to continue with me.  And then another guy was talking to me, but divorced and was looking for short term only.  We met after chatting for a week and 2 days later as well and we slightly intimate. By nature, I am sensitive and emotional which he sensed in our two meet ups, whereas he takes everything in a mature way.. When we were about to meet the third time, he emphasized that he could not commit and that he has other commitments like taking of his children and all. Only if I will take it as a friend with benefits, will continue and said will not meet that day and take time and let relax.. but he always checks in on me.. I even gave him the option to leave completely and go but he doesn't want to do that. he also said he likes caring people and is scared to commit. He talks from his heart and brain and confuses me... My childhood was also not good, never enjoyed life as a kid or teenager. never celebrated bdays, parties or anything. Mostly lived a dull life.. No single confidante.. As of now, other than my Mom and sister, no one to worry about me. I have no idea about this guy. What is his mind..  Why is my life like this.. I only want one loving and caring soul to be with me and why is it so hard to get in my life.. Why do I always end up doing all by myself, I don't have single person to come along with me to go out.. It's new year in here and most are packing to travel and preparing for the celebration but I am stuck in my house without knowing what should I do about my life. Feel so devastated and badly want to leave this world but even for that I don't have the guts.. Thinking of living lonely after my parents, I have no idea what will I do.. I can't survive like this
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